Tuesday, April 10, 2007

To Catch A Thief III

27. INT. JAILHOUSE (NIGHT)

A rather grubby interior with cells along one wall. CROWLEY is the jailor, a small man with a friendly face. He is asleep face down at his desk. When the door opens however, his head snaps up with well-practiced vigor.

CROWLEY
I'm awake, sir!

Pretchard, Kenning and the Doctor stand in the doorway.

PRETCHARD
It's us, Crowley, you daft sod.

Crowly lets out a sigh of relief.

CROWLEY
Oh, right you are. New prisoner, aye?

PRETCHARD
Yes. Right here.

DOCTOR
Good evening, Mr Crowley.

He leans forward and shakes Crowley’s hand.

DOCTOR
I’m the Doctor. I hope not to be staying long.

CROWLEY
Oh, dear.

DOCTOR
Don’t worry, I won’t be any trouble.

Crowley eyes him cautiously.

CROWLEY
Aye, thanks for that.

He turns to the constables.

CROWLEY
We’ve been getting a lot of prisoner, ain't we?

KENNING
Not our fault, Crowley.

CROWLEY
It’s not a question of fault, it’s a question of cells! And we haven’t got enough!

PRETCHARD
Come on, Crowley we've heard ALL this before.

CROWLEY
You say that all the time.

KENNING
Cause it’s true, that’s why. Just give us a key.

CROWLEY
No, no, Mr Pretchard.

KENNING
Kenning.

CROWLEY
Whatever. I mean it quite literally.

He speaks slowly, as if to an idiot.

CROWLEY
We - haven't – got – the - cells. All - are - occupied.

He smiles.

CROWLEY
Got that?

KENNING
Well what are we supposed to do with him?

PRETCHARD
I’m not taking him home with me!

KENNING
Nor me.

DOCTOR
Oh, how charming!

Crowley rubs his face, then his temples. He sighs.

CROWLEY
Never used to have this problem. Now all these highwaymen start springing up all over the place, and I’m the one who has to suffer most.

KENNING
You? Crowly, are you the poor soul who has to capture them?

PRETCHARD
No, Kenning, that’s US.

KENNING
Pretchard... just hold your tongue from now on.

The Doctor peers out the window, thinking to himself.

DOCTOR
Highwaymen, eh? So, it’s what? Early 18th Century? Epping Forest...

CROWLEY
What’s he going on about?

KENNING
How should we know? Can’t he bunk up with someone in the cells?

CROWLEY
That would be highly irregular.

PRETCHARD
It’d be quick and easy though, right enough.

CROWLEY
That’s true.

The Doctor snaps out of his thoughts.

DOCTOR
Hmm? I’m sorry?

CROWLEY
You will be. You shall be sharing you cell, sir.

DOCTOR
With a highwayman? Me? A humble cattle rustler?

KENNING
You seem intrigued by them, I’m sure you’ll not be bored.

CROWLEY
But on the brighter side, sire, you'll be sharing the cell with quite a celebrity...

DOCTOR
Who? Dick Turpin?

He grins hopefully. Pretchard frowns and turns to Kenning.

PRETCHARD
Who?

DOCTOR
Dick Turpin. You know? Dick TURPIN! The famous highwayman?

A beat.

DOCTOR
Not so famous after all, then?

KENNING
I know of no such man by that name.

CROWLEY
Nor I.

DOCTOR
Well, then who is the celebrity in the cell then?

CROWLEY
I speak of the "gentleman highwayman", as he is known, sire.

DOCTOR
Means nothing to me.

CROWLEY
Mister Tom King.

The Doctor nods in understanding.

DOCTOR
Oh! The OTHER famous highwayman. Not quite as famous, but then, beggars can’t be choosers. Cattle rustlers maybe, but not choosers.

PRETCHARD
There is no other famous highwayman! Not to he! He will not have it!

DOCTOR
Well, things may change. They often do in my experience.

Crowley opens a drawer, taking out a large ring of keys. He picks one out, removes it and passes it Pretchard.

CROWLEY
Here's the key. You two know where the cell is, I’m certain.

Kenning snatches it from his palm.

PRETCHARD
Aw!

KENNING
You’d only lose it.

PRETCHARD
Lose what?

KENNING
Ah, y’see? Your mind is still in bed!

CROWLEY
Yes, well, I'm a mite tired for this banter right now.

PRETCHARD
You are always tired Crowley.

CROWLEY
Only because you two gentlemen are so wearying. Is that all you will be needing?

PRETCHARD
Just so.

CROWLEY
Well, go forth then! Leave me in peace!

The Doctor pats him on the shoulder as he passes.

DOCTOR
Pure dreams, Mr. Crowley.

He and the constables cross to a stairwell and descend out of sight.

CROWLEY
Pure dreams... I should be so lucky.


28. INT. JAIL CORRIDOR (NIGHT)

The Doctor strides down the corridor, Pretchard and Kenning struggling to keep up. The Doctor’s chatter is visibly irritating them.

DOCTOR
What I don’t understand is how he came to be captured? You don’t become a famous highwayman by being caught, do you? And if King is so incredible, then how did he come to be captured at all?

PRETCHARD
Ask him yourself!

KENNING
When he wakes up!

DOCTOR
Do I detect a note of criticism, Constables?

KENNING
A note? A song more like! You annoy more than a toothache!

DOCTOR
Oh, well, that is easily fixed. Let me go.

PRETCHARD
How does that solve toothache?

DOCTOR
Mouth closed, Pretchard.

KENNING
Mouth closed yourself!

He unlocks the door to a cell and hauls it open.

DOCTOR
What happened to service with a smile?

Pretchard smiles. The Doctor grimaces.

DOCTOR
Point taken.


29. INT. CELL (NIGHT)

A dark, grubby cell. There is straw on the ground and a huddled figure under a blanket is in the corner. It does not move as the Doctor is unceremoniously shoved inside.

DOCTOR
You’ll come back for lunch, won’t you?

The door slams shut. The figure does not move.

DOCTOR
Ah. Yes. Right you are, then.

Looking around, he starts to remove his suit enough to take his communicator. He switches it on and a tiny red LED begins to flash. He whispers into it, suddenly frantic.

DOCTOR
Hello? Peri? Peri! Can you hear me? I’ve got a positive APB on Division 161. Peri, do you read? Over? Alpha? Bravo? Mayday, mayday! Tora, tora, tora! Alpha Bravo, Uncle, Charley, Romeo, Victor, Oscar, Auntie Em, Toto?! Toto!! Are you there?

A burst of static. The Doctor hastily hugs the communicator to his chest to muffle the noise. The Doctor sighs sadly.

DOCTOR
She will be BEYOND insufferable after all this.

He sighs, slides down the wall and starts to toy with the communicator. Dissolve to:


30. MONTAGE

Period flute music plays a tranquil tune. The sun slowly rises over Epping forest. A rooster crows. The TARDIS is gently silhouetted against the sunshine. The RESIDENTS of Tarbrook are moving around, the town centre coming to life. As the residents perform their morning duties, the birds in the trees outside the watch house.


31. INT. WATCH HOUSE (DAY)

Sunshine streams through the windows. The room is relatively spartarn, containing a few chairs and a table on which is a map of the forest. Farrier, already in full dress uniform sits at his desk, sipping from a mug as makes notes in a book. He checks the map of the forest on his desk and frowns, agitated.

FARRIER
Lieutenant Colt!

A moment later the door opens a squat, bearded lieutenant enters, squinting through tired eyes. This is COLT, loyal and knackered.

COLT
Sire?

FARRIER
Who was this man arrested last night?

COLT
Oh, the cattle rustler?

FARRIER
Yes. Who was he?

COLT
He gave no name, Captain.

FARRIER
I can see that, Colt, I have the papers from Magistrate Descott here in front of me. Now, from what you know, do you think he could be... the Man?

Colt shrugs.

COLT
I don't think it's likely, sire.

FARRIER
And why not, pray?

Colt looks awkward and rubs his forehead, sighing.

COLT
Well, to be perfectly honest, sire...

FARRIER
I expect no less. Go on, Colt.

COLT
I’m skeptical... that the Man even exists.

FARRIER
That level of skepticism is unusual, Richard. Even from you. Is there a particular reason?

COLT
It's just a series of unaccounted robberies, sire. They could be the work of anyone.

FARRIER
And they could be the work of the Man!

COLT
Captain, what leads you to that conclusion?

Farrier snarls and crosses to the window sill to look out.

FARRIER
Bah! I don’t have to explain my reasoning to you, Lieutenant! I have been studying these robberies for years and -

Colt laughs aloud.

COLT
“Years”, sire?!

Farrier looks furious and his knuckles turn white as they grip the window sill.

FARRIER
A year. I said “A year”.

Colt, still smiling, nods.

COLT
Captain.

FARRIER
A YEAR, LIEUTENANT!

COLT
Aye, sire.

FARRIER
I have studied well, Colt. And from my where I'm standing there's no doubt in my mind. No doubt whatsoever. Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have served abroad...

Colt nods dully.

FARRIER
Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have seen and heard and smelled the rage of TEN THOUSAND warriors in one place...

Colt mouths “ten thousand warriors”. He’s heard this before.

FARRIER
...and that place is one small sliver of Hell. Because I – unlike you – have seen it. And you haven’t seen that hatred. Or smelt that hatred. Or felt that hatred. It’s savagery. Pure and undilted savagery. I have seen it. And I see it in EVERY one of these robberies. It carries a mark so tangible... I can almost touch it.

COLT
That IS tangible, sire.

FARRIER
Exactly.

COLT
Even so, sir...

FARRIER
Quiet! I am an officer! I have no time for slack-jawed doubting Thomases.

COLT
No, sir.

FARRIER
No, sir! Now, I want an interview with this stranger...

He turns to the desk, picks up the reports and glances at them.

FARRIER
...yes, with this “Doctor”, as soon as it is possible for it be arranged. Is that understood precisely, Lieutenant Colt?

COLT
Precisely, sire. Just a normal interview, sire?

Farrier gives him a quizzical look, making eye contact for the first time.

FARRIER
Yes. Why?

COLT
It's only, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to fetch the... “instruments”.

Farrier gives a smile you’d rather not see.

FARRIER
No, Richard my friend. The “instruments” will not be needed today.


32. EXT. COPSE (DAY)

The TARDIS sits in the shade. Birds are singing.

DOCTOR (VO)
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Come in, tango!


33. INT. TARDIS – PERI’S ROOM (DAY)

Formally Tegan and Nyssa’s room. There are a few more books, a changing screen and a collection of plants in pots. A tartan sash hangs on the wall behind the bed on which Peri is sprawled, fast asleep. She cracks open an eye as the Doctor’s voice continues.

DOCTOR (VO)
Tango, this is Alpha Force! Go Alpha Force! Delta Omega two, standby...

Peri mumbles into her pillow.

PERI
Doctor?

The voice is coming from her bedroom table, under a broach and a Cryon crystal and other knick knacks. Peri semi-consciously flails an arm out, as if to switch off an alarm clock that’s starting ringing.

DOCTOR (VO)
Go, Peri 8, over? If this is working, it will record this message and broadcast to your communicator, but only replay it when you’re conscious. I can do that sort of thing because of my usual remarkable skills I try not to boast about. I’m working on the assumption you’re doing what you’re told and getting some sleep to recover. Roger, Brown 2? The next voice you will be hearing will be none other than myself from the central location of... Tarminster? No, Tarbrook, that’s the name... Anyway, stand by for further communication on this channel.

PERI
You’re in a prison cell, aren’t you?

DOCTOR (VO)
Now, heh, you’re not going to believe this, Peri...

PERI
Something slightly unexpected’s happened?

DOCTOR (VO)
Well, putting it at its simplest, something slightly unexpected’s happened...

PERI
And you need my help, don’t you?

She rolls over and sits up, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

DOCTOR (VO)
...and, to be honest, I need your help.

She grins and shakes her head. Then she struggles out of bed.

PERI
Try me. What happened?

DOCTOR (VO)
The thing is, long story cut short, I've managed to be accused of, well, being a cattle rustler.

Peri turns and stares at the communicator.

DOCTOR (VO)
A very stinging accusation, I might add. For not once in my life, not in almost nine hundred years have I ever, EVER rustled a cow.

Peri continues to stare.

DOCTOR (VO)
Or bullock, either. Well, there was that business in Knossos but... No. Never mind that now. You still have all of Tegan’s old things, yes? Well, she should have a rather splendid outfit, a sort of basic frock. Only a hundred years too late, but she does have it. Oh, the complaints I got from here when we missed THAT holiday destination. Two hundred parsecs out and everyone’s a critic. Anyway, you’ll need it, and some sensible shoes...

She crosses to the changing screen and flips through the dresses on the rack.

PERI
Oh? Why’s that?

DOCTOR (VO)
You see, I’m some way away from the TARDIS at the moments. About... ooh, forty minutes walk in a town called Tarbrook. I’m in the jailhouse.

PERI
Oh, the Baltimore girl gets it right again...

DOCTOR (VO)
Sorry about this, Bingo 12. So many thoughts, it’s hard to get them into any sort of order and I’m trying not to wake up the cell mate.

Peri finds the dress and looks it over.

PERI
So, I take it we’re on Earth? In England in the past?

DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, we’re on Earth by the way. About in the middle of England. Somewhere close to Epping forest as far as I can make out, circa 1730 give or take a few years.

PERI
I am going to be insufferable after this, I really am.

DOCTOR (VO)
But, frankly, I'm starting to wonder if we’ve drifted into some kind of parallel universe by mistake.

PERI
You say that every time the locals are rude.

DOCTOR (VO)
I mean, not only have I been treated so rudely, but also NOBODY here seems to have heard of Dick Turpin! DICK TURPIN!

PERI
Who’s Dick Turpin?

DOCTOR (VO)
Still, divergent timeline or not, cattle rustling is considered an offence worthy of the death penalty and I do not intend to die in the mistaken belief I was abducting cows!

PERI
So, what do I do after I find you?

DOCTOR (VO)
On topic, on topic. When you find the town, Peri, there is something you must do!

PERI
I’m all ears!

DOCTOR (VO)
You’ve got to get me some breakfast.

Peri sighs and steps behind the changing screen, drawing it closed.

PERI
Some breakfast. Right.

DOCTOR (VO)
I’m starving and I doubt eighteenth century English prison food will be good for my sensitive palette. Some sausages would be nice – I LOVE sausages... Oh, and while you’re here, we’ll discuss escape plans, defense strategies, etc, etc, obviously.

PERI (VO)
But after your breakfast.

DOCTOR (VO)
Just... well, after breakfast. You can’t plot an escape on an empty stomach, can you? There’s an inn right across the town square, you can’t miss it.

PERI (VO)
I better bring some money.

DOCTOR (VO)
And don’t forget to bring some money! Now, message ends. Over?

The Doctor begins to do a crap impersonation of Winston Churchill.

DOCTOR (VO)
We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the trenches, for it is not over until the fat lady sings! Yes! This one’s for the gypper. Or was it ‘Kipper’? Slide, Di Maggio! Slide! Slide! Slide! Division 16 will light this place up like a Christmas tree – go in for a slice of the action and kick some serious Androgum...

Peri pulls back the curtain, now wearing a light yellow frock.

PERI
You’ve left it switched on, Doc.

DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, no it’s still switched on! Botheration!

She picks up the communicator and switches it off.

PERI
How the hell did he survive 900 years without me?

Shrugging, she leaves her room.

- to be continued

6 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Damn it, I know exactly which bits are yours - all the best bits.

You win again, E-man.

(Churchill impression! Why didn't I think of that...)

Youth of Australia said...

Thanks man. You got a cliffhanger somewhere so I can complete the first episode?

As for the radio business, I think I was inspired by the bit in the Mysterious Planet where you see the Doctor keeps a teddy bear with him. He's very childish when he thinks no one is looking.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I wrote it, but it was on my flash drive which, as we well know, has vanished off the face of the Earth. I'll have to whip it up again - if you could just email me the bit where the script you got ended I'd be oblidged.

Youth of Australia said...

Sent you the email.

I've not messed the original up too badly, have I?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I've not messed the original up too badly, have I?

You've basically made it better in every possible way!

For a while I was thinking about another cold-opener, but the story probably works better without one - especially considering it directly follows Androgum Inheritance, which I'm planning to be pretty intense. A bit of a wind-down for the viewers.

Youth of Australia said...

I'm glad you liked it. I didn't want to make you feel like Robin Bland or anything like that.

Yeah, I was thinking that the extra episode would also be a wind down story for the Doctor and Peri, involving their attempts to get the TARDIS back after its working chameleon circuit causes it to be sold at an antiques fair.