Author: Alas! I am dying! Oh woe is me! There is still my epic novella to write before I allow myself the liberty of death! Damn you cliquey bunny-boiling chavs...
[A mass of Tythonian blubber oozes in.]
Evil Annie: FEAR NOT. I AM AN EXPERT AT RECONSTRUCTING UNFINISHED STORIES. PLUS I TOTALLY WROTE ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN. IN RETURN I DEMAND PIE! PIE! PIEEEEEEEEEE...
[The author is crushed beneath Evil Annie.]
[Note: the following is a reconstruction with, it has to be said, surprisingly good animation. But the BBC won't touch it with a barge poll attached to another barge poll because they know where it's been.]
[Stock footage of the Dalek fleet closing in around Gallifrey. Daleks swarm through the atmosphere.
[Narvin is carried in Romana's arms blubbering like a baby.]
Romana: Oh noes! Nothing can possibly save us now!
[Stock footage of the alien fleets of Trenzalore and the Pandorica.]
[In the TARDIS, the Doctor and Braxiatel watch on.]
Braxiatel: Amazing Doctor! How exactly did you persuade the Nekkistani and the Monans and the Architryxians AND the Trell to stop being total dickheads and join the fight?
Doctor: I promised there was a new writer with more talent, imagination and no more rehashed gags from Blackadder, Red Dwarf, nor would I compare everything to the author's 80s cinema footage.
Braxiatel: Egads, Doctor. Why didn't we think of it earlier?
[On Gallifrey, Romana drops Narvin and shouts into a microphone.]
Romana: Fire the time torpedoes!
Reldaf: Oh, right! Sorry madam president! Totally forgot we had those!
[A flock missiles explodes, freezing the Dalek fleet.]
Romana: Now fire the ordinary missiles!
[The armadas start firing. Dalek ships explode.]
Romana: That should well and truly fuck them up.
Narvin: What about the Daleks still on Gallifrey?
Romana: Christ, Narvin, I'm not superwoman!
[The Dalek Supreme leads some Daleks to the TARDIS bay.]
Dalek Supreme: Come, gentle kinsmen! We must ride the winged chariot of surprise if we are to ascertain a gambit that is felicitious to the salvation of nature's greatest children of Skaro!
Dalek 1: Wow, I can hardly spot the new writer at all, can you?
Dalek 2: Totally seamless!
Dalek 3: ...suck-ups.
[They enter the TARDIS looking like a Coca Cola dispenser and take off.]
Reldaf: The Daleks have access to a TARDIS!
Romana: Meh, what's the worst that could happen!
Narvin: It seems they've using time travel against us!
Monk: Definitely a new writer!
Doctor: Shut down their TARDIS!
Narvin: We can't - they are using their own power source which they stole from the Braxiatel Collection!
Braxiatel: Oops. I was sure I switched that off.
[The Dalek Supreme and her Daleks materialize by the Magnetron.]
Dalek Supreme: Now the warp and weft of fate bows to my convenience, let us cast these guttersnipe bipeds into the scorching embrace of their life giving orbs!
Dalek 3: You mean kick them in the bollocks?
Dalek Supreme: Nay, nay and thrice nay! The scorching disc of Kasterbous Gamma that lights up the darkened places in the soul and...
[One of the Daleks hits her with a baseball bat.]
Dalek Supreme: OK. I'm better now. Activate the Magnetron and throw the allied fleet in the sun!
Dalek 2: But the Magnetron doesn't work!
Dalek Supreme: Oh yeah, we had it sabotaged. Rats!
[In the briefing room, the Doctor addresses the allies.]
Doctor: Right, although the Daleks have yet to fix the Magnetron, we should be safe if we send our ships right up to the Dalek saucers and fight them at point blank range - the Daleks can't use the Magnetron without destroying their own forces!
Nekkistani: Why don't we just keep firing at a distance at the frozen saucers?
Monan: Yeah, what are you? A Dalek agent?
Trell: Yeah, we're winning.
Doctor: Which is why I want all your ships to return to your worlds and get grounded until I give you the signal. I also want all your most important generals and strategists put into a time station cut off from the rest of the universe.
Nekkistani: Oh, no. We can't do that! We still have all the Apocalypse Element we mined from the remains of Etra Prime!
Romana: Oh god, more Apocalypse Element fanwank.
Doctor: Hang on, you have mined a substance that can destroy reality itself?
Nekkistani: Well, it seemed so wasteful to leave it lying there.
[A runner comes in with a script.]
Doctor: Sorry, everyone. This bit was actually written down so we're obliged to use it. Oh it's a script for me! I hope it's a nice juicy monologue of wit, passion and not just banging on about cosmic napalm for people who haven't heard The Apocalypse Element...
[He reads it and sighs.]
Romana: How bad is it?
Doctor: Pretty bad.
Romana: OK, well go on with it. We share your pain.
Narvin: Yes, and things have been going so well since the new guy took over. It's just karma when you think about it.
Doctor: All right. "You mean you refused to help Gallifrey on the grounds of preventing the destruction of the universe, and this was your fallback strategy?"
Nekkistani: It's only a little bit.
Doctor: I am not convinced, to say the least. Can that be it?
Evil Annie: NO! BE TRUE TO THE SPIRIT OF THE SOURCE MATERIAL!
Doctor: [sighs] "You’re talking about a cosmic napalm. The most flammable, volatile destructive element in the universe which spread through and destroyed one of the largest galaxies in the cosmos with frightening speed in a matter of minutes, and you’re telling me you think you might have found a way to limit it’s range? But surely you can’t have tested it of course, because even testing it would be madness!"
Nekkistani: OK! OK! We're the bad guys, it seems! Just stop reading the script! We give in!
Doctor: Give in you should! I want all the stuff given to me for safe-keeping and also all of you important people in that space station I mentioned earlier so you're all in one place and easy prey for Daleks! [screams] HEIL YARVELLING! [normal] Not that I'm not the Dalek spy or anything.
[The Nekkistani hands over a specimen jar.]
Doctor: And you better not be chewing gum young man. Now, where's Brax?
[The Braxiatel collection. Braxiatel is setting up a Timeonic Fusion Device which looks like a keg of beer with a plunger-handle attached.]
Braxiatel: I might as well blow it all up now the Daleks have taken over. I mean, for a one-liner in City of Death, the concept really has had a good innings.
Doctor: Ah, City of Death. The good old days before JNT.
Braxiatel: He was a production assistant at the time.
Doctor: DON'T BOTHER ME WITH FACTS, BRAX! I'M FUCKING DENIAL ALL RIGHT!
[A Dalek spots them.]
Dalek 4: Ere! What are you two doing here? Bloody humanoids! Have you walked on the grass?
Braxiatel: Oh noes! We're doomed! What we need is a distraction!
Susan: Sorry, did I leave my keys on the set?
[The Dalek shoots her and she explodes, spraying everyone with blood and gore.]
Doctor: [ala Streetcar Named Desire] Susan! SUSANNNNN!!!!!
[The Doctor beats the Dalek apart with a novelty inflatable shark.]
Doctor: You twisted abomination! She was a proper canonical companion! Lucie, Tamsin, Alex, Molly, they are nothing compared to her you monstrous abhorrence! How could you, a scary dogmatic race known for exterminating people, be so cruel?
Dalek 4: Aw come on, she wasn't even supposed to be in this scene!
Doctor: I shall destroy you!
Dalek 4: What? But I'm a cripple! Have you no political correctness in your soul!
Doctor: I WAS IN WARRIORS OF THE DEEP!
Dalek 4: [tiny voice] Oooooooooooooh fuck.
[Caption: "A LOT OF UNDESCRIBABLE DALEK TORTURE LATER..."]
[The Doctor is covered head to toe in Dalek blood, looking curiously similiar to Grolic in Alien 3. Bits of mutant dangle between his teeth. Braxiatel looks on in horror.]
Braxiatel: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, DUDE!
Doctor: Well, don't blame me, this was in the original story outline. I mean, frankly I feel left out - all the other Doctors got to sadistically torture Daleks in bloodlust frenzy! Name one that didn't!
Braxiatel: William Hartnell.
Doctor: OK, name four more that didn't.
Braxiatel: Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy.
Doctor: OK, name another four.
Braxiatel: David Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi, Tom Baker.
Doctor: OK, name another seventeen.
Braxiatel: Geoffrey Bayldon, David Warner, David Collings, Nicholas Briggs, Arabella Wier, David Banks, Richard E Grant, Steven Payne, Nick Scovell, Michael Jayston, Tim Tremalor, Rowan Atkinson, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant, Joanna Lumbly, Lenny Henry, plus the guy from Seven Keys to Doomsday.
Doctor: Trevor Martin?
Braxiatel: Yeah, him.
Doctor: Congratulations. Go fuck yourself.
[They leave in the TARDIS.]
Doctor: I think I'll change history and save Susan.
Braxiatel: What? Use time travel in a Time War? Don't be ridiculous!
Doctor: Nonsense! There's nothing to stop me bar perhaps a Timeonic Fusion Device...
[The Timeonic Fusion Device blows up the Braxiatel Collection.]
Doctor: Dangnabbit. My timing is really off today.
[Braxiatel beats the floor with his fists in despair.]
Braxiatel: I BLEW IT UP! I'M A MANIAC! I WENT AND BLEW IT UP! GOD, NOOOO!!
Doctor: Aren't you going to do a bitter, tear-inducing monologue about the loss of all the art and achievements of primitive worlds and the painstaking work that went into them now gone to waste, rendering all endeavor inherently pointless?
Braxiatel: Nah, the Planet of the Apes gag summed it up pretty well. Besides, I really don't like the Daleks because some humans that worked for them tortured me once two thousand years ago. Not that I have a grudge or anything.
Doctor: And yet we still don't know who the traitor is.
[The runner hands them some script.]
Braxiatel: Oh god. Ahem. "I mean what kind of lowlife scum could willingly sell their own civilisation out to the Daleks? Who could honestly sink that low?"
[Braxiatel hands the script to the Doctor.]
Braxiatel: Apparently that strikes a nerve in you and you remarks in bitter fury "Who indeed!"
Doctor: [flatly] "Who, indeed!"
Braxiatel: Now what?
Doctor: Well, um, ladies and gentlemen... the Doug Anthony Allstars!
[Side-wipe to footage from DAAS Kapital: Humility.]
Paul: War is bad, war is wrong. The small wars, the day to day wars, the everyday wars of man against man, husband against wife, brother against sister, [strangely aroused at the thought] uncle against nephew... [sobers] There's more Evelyn Waugh than we can say, and all the small wars combined can make a Great War, but what is a Great War? Let's just have a moment of silence.
Tim: And let's take a minute to reflect.
[He pulls out a mirror and looks at himself. Then all three start to sing.]
Paul: With a downwind blast from his doughy ass,
Like a lance of fire he shot up the mast.
As he mumbled blasphemous epitaphs,
"I am the sailor."
All: And the captain cried with a mighty heave-ho
"Enemy sighted on the starboard bow.
Load your cannons, let 'em go.
For God is on our side, boys."
Richard: In the dust and sand of a foreign land.
With hands afire he buried his friend.
He beat his brow and cursing foul he said:
"I am the soldier"
All: And the private laughed as he reached the bluff,
His gun barrel smoking, enough's enough.
We've done more damage than old Macduff.
And God is full of pride, boys.
Tim: He flew through the flak on the first attack,
The bomb bay open on a missiles back.
Here's the payload, he crudely spat,
"I am the airman."
All: And the General sighed "This is our last stand,
Let every man say 'Amen',
For we'll not see daylight again.
And tonight we'll meet our God, boys."
Tim: Well the airman plunged into the pines...
Paul: And the sailor drowned in the briny brine...
Richard: And the soldier in haste put his foot on a mine.
All: And it comes to all in time, boys.
For on the day they died, boys,
God was on the other side, boys.
[The audience applaud.]
- to be continued in Chronic Conflict XVI: Even More Things Explode!