Thursday, October 15, 2015

Chronic Conflict XV: Diminishing Returns!

[The author collapses across his type writer.]

Author: Alas! I am dying! Oh woe is me! There is still my epic novella to write before I allow myself the liberty of death! Damn you cliquey bunny-boiling chavs...

[A mass of Tythonian blubber oozes in.]


[The author is crushed beneath Evil Annie.]

[Note: the following is a reconstruction with, it has to be said, surprisingly good animation. But the BBC won't touch it with a barge poll attached to another barge poll because they know where it's been.]

[Stock footage of the Dalek fleet closing in around Gallifrey. Daleks swarm through the atmosphere.

[Narvin is carried in Romana's arms blubbering like a baby.]

Romana: Oh noes! Nothing can possibly save us now!

[Stock footage of the alien fleets of Trenzalore and the Pandorica.]

[In the TARDIS, the Doctor and Braxiatel watch on.]

Braxiatel: Amazing Doctor! How exactly did you persuade the Nekkistani and the Monans and the Architryxians AND the Trell to stop being total dickheads and join the fight?

Doctor: I promised there was a new writer with more talent, imagination and no more rehashed gags from Blackadder, Red Dwarf, nor would I compare everything to the author's 80s cinema footage.

Braxiatel: Egads, Doctor. Why didn't we think of it earlier?

[On Gallifrey, Romana drops Narvin and shouts into a microphone.]

Romana: Fire the time torpedoes!

Reldaf: Oh, right! Sorry madam president! Totally forgot we had those!

[A flock missiles explodes, freezing the Dalek fleet.]

Romana: Now fire the ordinary missiles!

[The armadas start firing. Dalek ships explode.]

Romana: That should well and truly fuck them up.

Narvin: What about the Daleks still on Gallifrey?

Romana: Christ, Narvin, I'm not superwoman!

[The Dalek Supreme leads some Daleks to the TARDIS bay.]

Dalek Supreme: Come, gentle kinsmen! We must ride the winged chariot of surprise if we are to ascertain a gambit that is felicitious to the salvation of nature's greatest children of Skaro!

Dalek 1: Wow, I can hardly spot the new writer at all, can you?

Dalek 2: Totally seamless!

Dalek 3: ...suck-ups.

[They enter the TARDIS looking like a Coca Cola dispenser and take off.]

Reldaf: The Daleks have access to a TARDIS!

Romana: Meh, what's the worst that could happen!

Narvin: It seems they've using time travel against us!

Monk: Definitely a new writer!

Doctor: Shut down their TARDIS!

Narvin: We can't - they are using their own power source which they stole from the Braxiatel Collection!

Braxiatel: Oops. I was sure I switched that off.

[The Dalek Supreme and her Daleks materialize by the Magnetron.]

Dalek Supreme: Now the warp and weft of fate bows to my convenience, let us cast these guttersnipe bipeds into the scorching embrace of their life giving orbs!

Dalek 3: You mean kick them in the bollocks?

Dalek Supreme: Nay, nay and thrice nay! The scorching disc of Kasterbous Gamma that lights up the darkened places in the soul and...

[One of the Daleks hits her with a baseball bat.]

Dalek Supreme: OK. I'm better now. Activate the Magnetron and throw the allied fleet in the sun!

Dalek 2: But the Magnetron doesn't work!

Dalek Supreme: Oh yeah, we had it sabotaged. Rats!

[In the briefing room, the Doctor addresses the allies.]

Doctor: Right, although the Daleks have yet to fix the Magnetron, we should be safe if we send our ships right up to the Dalek saucers and fight them at point blank range - the Daleks can't use the Magnetron without destroying their own forces!

Nekkistani: Why don't we just keep firing at a distance at the frozen saucers?

Monan: Yeah, what are you? A Dalek agent?

Trell: Yeah, we're winning.

Doctor: Which is why I want all your ships to return to your worlds and get grounded until I give you the signal. I also want all your most important generals and strategists put into a time station cut off from the rest of the universe.

Nekkistani: Oh, no. We can't do that! We still have all the Apocalypse Element we mined from the remains of Etra Prime!

Doctor: What?!!

Romana: Oh god, more Apocalypse Element fanwank.

Doctor: Hang on, you have mined a substance that can destroy reality itself?

Nekkistani: Well, it seemed so wasteful to leave it lying there.

[A runner comes in with a script.]

Doctor: Sorry, everyone. This bit was actually written down so we're obliged to use it. Oh it's a script for me! I hope it's a nice juicy monologue of wit, passion and not just banging on about cosmic napalm for people who haven't heard The Apocalypse Element...

[He reads it and sighs.]

Romana: How bad is it?

Doctor: Pretty bad.

Romana: OK, well go on with it. We share your pain.

Narvin: Yes, and things have been going so well since the new guy took over. It's just karma when you think about it.

Doctor: All right. "You mean you refused to help Gallifrey on the grounds of preventing the destruction of the universe, and this was your fallback strategy?"

Nekkistani: It's only a little bit.

Doctor: I am not convinced, to say the least. Can that be it?


Doctor: [sighs] "You’re talking about a cosmic napalm. The most flammable, volatile destructive element in the universe which spread through and destroyed one of the largest galaxies in the cosmos with frightening speed in a matter of minutes, and you’re telling me you think you might have found a way to limit it’s range? But surely you can’t have tested it of course, because even testing it would be madness!"

Nekkistani: OK! OK! We're the bad guys, it seems! Just stop reading the script! We give in!

Doctor: Give in you should! I want all the stuff given to me for safe-keeping and also all of you important people in that space station I mentioned earlier so you're all in one place and easy prey for Daleks! [screams] HEIL YARVELLING! [normal] Not that I'm not the Dalek spy or anything.

[The Nekkistani hands over a specimen jar.]

Doctor: And you better not be chewing gum young man. Now, where's Brax?

[The Braxiatel collection. Braxiatel is setting up a Timeonic Fusion Device which looks like a keg of beer with a plunger-handle attached.]

Braxiatel: I might as well blow it all up now the Daleks have taken over. I mean, for a one-liner in City of Death, the concept really has had a good innings.

Doctor: Ah, City of Death. The good old days before JNT.

Braxiatel: He was a production assistant at the time.


[A Dalek spots them.]

Dalek 4: Ere! What are you two doing here? Bloody humanoids! Have you walked on the grass?

Braxiatel: Oh noes! We're doomed! What we need is a distraction!

[Susan returns.]

Susan: Sorry, did I leave my keys on the set?

[The Dalek shoots her and she explodes, spraying everyone with blood and gore.]

Doctor: [ala Streetcar Named Desire] Susan! SUSANNNNN!!!!!

[The Doctor beats the Dalek apart with a novelty inflatable shark.]

Doctor: You twisted abomination! She was a proper canonical companion! Lucie, Tamsin, Alex, Molly, they are nothing compared to her you monstrous abhorrence! How could you, a scary dogmatic race known for exterminating people, be so cruel?

Dalek 4: Aw come on, she wasn't even supposed to be in this scene!

Doctor: I shall destroy you!

Dalek 4: What? But I'm a cripple! Have you no political correctness in your soul!


Dalek 4: [tiny voice] Oooooooooooooh fuck.


[The Doctor is covered head to toe in Dalek blood, looking curiously similiar to Grolic in Alien 3. Bits of mutant dangle between his teeth. Braxiatel looks on in horror.]


Doctor: Well, don't blame me, this was in the original story outline. I mean, frankly I feel left out - all the other Doctors got to sadistically torture Daleks in bloodlust frenzy! Name one that didn't!

Braxiatel: William Hartnell.

Doctor: OK, name four more that didn't.

Braxiatel: Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy.

Doctor: OK, name another four.

Braxiatel: David Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi, Tom Baker.

Doctor: OK, name another seventeen.

Braxiatel: Geoffrey Bayldon, David Warner, David Collings, Nicholas Briggs, Arabella Wier, David Banks, Richard E Grant, Steven Payne, Nick Scovell, Michael Jayston, Tim Tremalor, Rowan Atkinson, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant, Joanna Lumbly, Lenny Henry, plus the guy from Seven Keys to Doomsday.

Doctor: Trevor Martin?

Braxiatel: Yeah, him.

Doctor: Congratulations. Go fuck yourself.

[They leave in the TARDIS.]

Doctor: I think I'll change history and save Susan.

Braxiatel: What? Use time travel in a Time War? Don't be ridiculous!

Doctor: Nonsense! There's nothing to stop me bar perhaps a Timeonic Fusion Device...

[The Timeonic Fusion Device blows up the Braxiatel Collection.]

Doctor: Dangnabbit. My timing is really off today.

[Braxiatel beats the floor with his fists in despair.]


Doctor: Aren't you going to do a bitter, tear-inducing monologue about the loss of all the art and achievements of primitive worlds and the painstaking work that went into them now gone to waste, rendering all endeavor inherently pointless?

Braxiatel: Nah, the Planet of the Apes gag summed it up pretty well. Besides, I really don't like the Daleks because some humans that worked for them tortured me once two thousand years ago. Not that I have a grudge or anything.

Doctor: And yet we still don't know who the traitor is.

[The runner hands them some script.]

Braxiatel: Oh god. Ahem. "I mean what kind of lowlife scum could willingly sell their own civilisation out to the Daleks? Who could honestly sink that low?"

[Braxiatel hands the script to the Doctor.]

Braxiatel: Apparently that strikes a nerve in you and you remarks in bitter fury "Who indeed!"

Doctor: [flatly] "Who, indeed!"

[Long pause.]

Braxiatel: Now what?

Doctor: Well, um, ladies and gentlemen... the Doug Anthony Allstars!

[Side-wipe to footage from DAAS Kapital: Humility.]

Paul: War is bad, war is wrong. The small wars, the day to day wars, the everyday wars of man against man, husband against wife, brother against sister, [strangely aroused at the thought] uncle against nephew... [sobers] There's more Evelyn Waugh than we can say, and all the small wars combined can make a Great War, but what is a Great War? Let's just have a moment of silence.

Tim: And let's take a minute to reflect.

[He pulls out a mirror and looks at himself. Then all three start to sing.]

Paul: With a downwind blast from his doughy ass,
Like a lance of fire he shot up the mast.
As he mumbled blasphemous epitaphs,
"I am the sailor."

All: And the captain cried with a mighty heave-ho
"Enemy sighted on the starboard bow.
Load your cannons, let 'em go.
For God is on our side, boys."

Richard: In the dust and sand of a foreign land.
With hands afire he buried his friend.
He beat his brow and cursing foul he said:
"I am the soldier"

All: And the private laughed as he reached the bluff,
His gun barrel smoking, enough's enough.
We've done more damage than old Macduff.
And God is full of pride, boys.

Tim: He flew through the flak on the first attack,
The bomb bay open on a missiles back.
Here's the payload, he crudely spat,
"I am the airman."

All: And the General sighed "This is our last stand,
Let every man say 'Amen',
For we'll not see daylight again.
And tonight we'll meet our God, boys."

Tim: Well the airman plunged into the pines...

Paul: And the sailor drowned in the briny brine...

Richard: And the soldier in haste put his foot on a mine.

All: And it comes to all in time, boys.
For on the day they died, boys,
God was on the other side, boys.

[The audience applaud.]

- to be continued in Chronic Conflict XVI: Even More Things Explode!

Chronic Conflict XIV: The Intellectual Wasteland

[Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is sulking. So is Susan, oddly enough.]

Doctor: Oh, I am wracked with melancholic pathos! I haven't been so miserable since Charley left!

Susan: So go back to her.

Doctor: No fear! Where was I? Oh yes, I've not felt so empty since Lucie Miller told me to go fuck myself on Blackpool beach...

Susan: What about when she died horribly along with your other companion, plus your great-grandson and the entire population of Earth?

Doctor: Susan my child, don't you remember continuity ended in 2008? Everything since is pure conjecture and clearly inferior to this ongoing saga.

Susan: And suddenly I remember why I preferred living on a post-apocalyptic wasteland to hanging around you and those two square from school.

Doctor: Oh, how hurt I am! Romana, my oldest friend so disappointed and angry in me beyond apologies, beyond forgiveness! It hurts more than any other parting he can remember! No, wait, The Green Death was pretty upsetting now I come to think of it... Actually, I suppose Tegan and Jamie and Zoe might also get on the list...

Susan: Please, for god's sake, just shut up!

Doctor: Oh, I loathe the idea of going back to Charley on the rebound! Maybe I don't need an unhealthy relationship with the touch of a woman? Perhaps a frustrated subtext-filled homoerotic bromance would be refreshing. Hrm... I can only think of Turlough and Chesterton. Does the Brigadier? No, he'd point out what a complete retard I've been throughout this story...

Susan: Yay. More self-pity.

Doctor: Sometimes the truth hurts, but I yearn the luxury of deciding which truth to choose. Haven't I borne enough sharp words from Romana?

Susan: OH MAN UP YOU GINORMOUS PUSSY! I'm going to have a Terri's chocolate orange and fake an orgasm...

Doctor: Susan. That's hardly a way to talk around your Grandfather.

Susan: I'm actually starting to doubt someone as neurotic and repressed as you could have knocked up my grandmother. You sure you just weren't her beard?

Doctor: How dare you girl! For that I shall do something bold, positive, decisive, right out of the Hinchcliffe era!

Susan: ...liiiiike?

Doctor: Um... ah... I know, I will go all Ace Rimmer, break into the Nekkistani/Monan alliance and find out why they're being such dicks! And, yeah, I'll bust my old friend Braxiatel out of prison!

Susan: Old friend? Grandfather, he's your brother! He's my grand uncle! He helped us steal this TARDIS and escape from Gallifrey in the first place? Why are you being so freaking coy? And to be honest I think grandmother would have definitely put out for him instead of you...

Doctor: Shut up, Susan or I shall summarize the Divergent Universe arc again.

Susan: [meekly] I'll be good, grandfather.

Doctor: Anyway, with this non-copyrighted invisibility cloak from Harry Potter and his teleport bracelet from Blake's 7 I can perform a jail break in less than five episodes.

Susan: So am I actually here to do anything? I mean, I'm totally superfluous to the plot. Why am I here? K9 could have done this job and got better dialogue...

Doctor: Right, that does it, child! Ahem. It all started on the R101...

Susan: ARGHHHHH!!!

[Panopticon. Narvin claps his hand dynamically.]

Narvin: Right people! Now that time-wasting childhood-betraying bastard who was in Warriors of the Deep is gone, we can actually get on with a plot with no tedious introspection, reflection, self-analysis or emo self-pity!

Romana: This is going to take some getting used to.

[A pause.]

Romana: OK, the moment has passed. Right, we have four days before the pretty-much intact Dalek forces arrive but luckily we have a completely impenetrable force field to keep them out. And I'm not even being ridiculously optimistic, nothing can get through those shields, it's canonical fact.

Monk: So what are we worried about?

Romana: Nothing, I guess. Oh yeah, send the Sisters to live inside a hollow moon somewhere. Now they don't have the Doctor to whine about sexual politics to, they have no purpose in this plot whatsoever.

Drax: [salutes] Oh it, boss!

Romana: Right, open a channel to those tin bastards. They've lost all their speaking parts, so this should be a quick conversation.

[The screen activates to show three Daleks fighting over the flight controls.]

Dalek 1: Sod off, Zorg, I'm doing the driver!

Dalek 2: Davros said I could drive!

Dalek 1: That was before he got eaten by a Stanly Kubrick special effect!

Dalek 3: Er, Org, didn't the Emperor put me in charge?

Dalek 1: Hey, Zeg, if you want to listen to a mutant with both a god complex AND a human head permanently jammed up his rectum, be my guest...

Dalek 2: Um, guys, the communicator's on.

Dalek 1: Aw, shit! Try and look worthy of the Nation Estate!

Romana: Daleks! You have encroached upon our space long and far enough. And I have decided you will stop your advance now. Not so much as an inch further!

Dalek 3: What's an inch?

Dalek 2: Dunno. Daleks do metric. I think there's a fridge magnet that converts it somewhere...

Dalek 1: Or a ruler, one of them wooden ones...

Romana: Just get out of Gallifreyan space!

Dalek 1: Is... is she addressing us?

Dalek 2: I think she is!

Dalek 3: She sounded so rude! I way preferred Mary Tamm!

Romana: Enough of this! If you do not halt your advance we will execute the Dalek Supreme immediately. She dies now, unless you stop your advance on our territory. You have two hours to comply.

Dalek 1: Why are you going to give us two hours if you're going to kill her now?

Dalek 3: I'm finding this very hard to follow. Why is she even threatening us if we can't get past the force field?

Dalek 2: Maybe she's compensating for something. Chicks have issues.

Dalek 1: Whoa. Well, all those who want to face the PMT of Rassilon can keep going, but I for one am hitting the brakes.

Narvin: The Dalek fleet. They're stopping. Coming to a standstill. Not quite all of them yet, but they're all slowing.

Romana: How suddenly, suspiciously compliant of them.

Dalek 1: Jeez, woman, DOES NOTHING PLEASE YOU?!?

[With a burst of Dudley Simpson music, the Doctor teleports into a corridor.]

Doctor: [into bracelet] Down and safe! Tell Zen to keep an eye out for pursuit ships and have the force wall on standby! Leave Orac on teleport duty and don't get drunk on duty-free adrenaline and soma!

Susan: [over comms] Grandfather, please tell me I was adopted.

Doctor: No time for crap fanwank retcons, child! Cue the action montage!

[Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" plays in the background as we see the Doctor put on his invisible CSO cloth and stumble blindly around through the corridors until he hits a fire alarm button and all the sirens and flashing lights start. The Doctor swears mightily and guards surround him.]

Doctor: Teleport, damn you!

[The Doctor reappears into the TARDIS.]

Doctor: Thank you Susan, although next time saving me before the nick of time would be much appreciated.

Susan: ...fuck you, old man.

[She teleports him out again.]

Susan: Repetitious AND a misquote. Mind of Evil 6 was way better.

[Braxiatel's Cell. The man himself hids behind a sofa as the Doctor appears.]

Doctor: Hello, Brax! It's me, your loveable baby brother, come to spring you out of jailbreak!

Braxiatel: Go away! I disowned you after Warriors of the Deep!

Doctor: It's all right, I disowned you after Empire of Glass!

Braxiatel: I wish I had it in me to defend myself on that point.

Doctor: So why all the hate for Gallifrey?

Braxiatel: Well, remember that 5-second cutaway in Neverland where the Time Lords went evil and chopped off people's heads? Apparently that went viral and everyone thinks the Time Lords will become the ultimate space bastards unless the Daleks wipe them out first.

Doctor: Oh. On the bright side, at least it wasn't The Vengeance of Morbius's 5-second cutaway with the same basic premise. Because listeners actually ENJOYED Neverland. OK, now we know that we can use this information somehow to save Gallifrey from the Daleks. Fancy joining my puny gang, Brax?

Braxiatel: But I don't want to be rescued! I'm into erotic Twilight fanfics! It gives my pathetic life meaning now that the New Adventures are over!

Doctor: Oh no, you're not fooling me that way twice!

[The Doctor tackles him and they teleport back to the TARDIS.]

Doctor: Right! Next stop Achetryx to join the anti-Dalek-anti-Time Lord alliance! I feel especially non-partisan today, so team, let's get dynamic!

Braxiatel: Don't worry, Susan. Your grandmother slept around like crazy.

Susan: Aw, thanks Uncle Brax.

Braxiatel: It's OK. I know how our DNA cries itself to sleep every night...

[Back on Gallifrey, Romana is talking to Narvin and Reldalf because most other characters have been killed off by now.]

Romana: Right, my cunning plan is that we blast Gallifrey thousands of years into the future and let the Daleks kill all those bastards who won't help us. If that isn't a clear cut and wholesome end to this problem, then what is?

Narvin: Well, it worked before.

Reldaf: Actually, no it didn't.

Narvin: Yeah, but this time there are no sympathetic characters left to wipe out. I say go for this. Who cares if it doesn't synch up with BBC Wales?

Reldaf: But what if we jump into the future and find the Daleks have conquered everything?

Romana: Oh great, so another lengthy discussion about an idea never to be used! Great! Just fucking great! I thought now the Doctor was gone shit was actually going to happen now!

[The Daleks appear on the screen.]

Dalek 1: On second thoughts, we're going to invade after all! QUELLE SURPRISE, BITCHES!

Romana: And I asked so nicely! Right, let's blow up the Dalek Supreme!

Narvin: Yeah, whatever. It's all lost its drammatic potency by now.

[Back in the TARDIS, the excuse of a narrative chunkers onwards.]

Braxiatel: Right. The author's listened to Paradise 5 recently so guess what we do now?

Susan: Ooh, smuggle ourselves into a space hotel under the pretext of being guests and or staff and hang around ominously listening to conversations of great import?

Doctor: Exactly. And now we've described that we can cut to the end of the episode. It was just going to be more crap ripped off The Apocalypse Element anyway, so there's nothing important to miss out.


Braxiatel: Well, that didn't work.

Doctor: Still, on the bright side, I now have some psychic paper!

Susan: [yawns] Yay.

Doctor: And now I have a plan so cunning that you could pin a tail on it and call it a spielsnape.


Susan: I officially disown you. You can't even nick a funny line from Blackadder? Pathetic! Utterly pathetic! In fact, fuck this I am no longer taking part in this stupid fanfic.

[Susan storms off-camera, beats up a PA, and leaves.]

Doctor: To be honest, I'm impressed she lasted this long. I wonder what's happening back on Gallifrey to pad out this installment?

[Romana enters the Dalek Supreme Cell.]

Dalek Supreme: Hello, Unit 117. Is it time for my conjugal visit?

Romana: No, bitch, it's time to die!

Dalek Supreme: You have lost everything! Your only option is surrender! You would never have survived us! Your failure was assured! You are a slave. You are never more than our slave, Unit 117! Gallifrey will burn into ashes. Your people will all die, and you will be our slave again! Unit 117! You are a fool Unit One One Seven. Do you really believe your words can compel my Daleks to obey you? The words of a slave! You will suffer, and you will beg me to forgive you for your words now!

[Romana zaps the Dalek Supreme with her sonic screwdriver.]

Romana: Hah. I have muted you. What are you going to do now, you slag?

[The Dalek Supreme breaks out of its chain, opens up and then closes again, trapping Romana's arm inside. Then it flies off, dragging Romana with it, banging into walls and pillars.]

Narvin: This could prove a horrific battle.

Reldaf: Or we could just open fire now and hope Romana regenerates.

Narvin: At a pinch, yes, we could do that.

[The spheres disconnect from the Dalek Supreme's skirt.]

Narvin: Oh no! The Dalek Supreme's balls have dropped!

[The spheres explode lots of control panels. Romana escapes at some part.]

Narvin: Um, you remember those impenatrable force fields?

Romana: What do you mean "remember"?

Narvin: We don't have them any more.

Romana: Well, at least the Daleks aren't attacking now we're defenseless.

Narvin: Yeah, about that...

[Daleks storm towards Gallifrey in youtube edits of The Last Day.]

Narvin: Oh, Romana, we are SO screwed!

Romana: Change of plan - LEG IT!!!

- to be continued Chronic Conflict XV: Diminishing Returns!