To Catch A Thief II

10. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (DAY)

The Doctor enters, still carrying the diving helmet. He places it on the console and does his gloves as Peri enters the room as well.

PERI
It’s idiotic! The most idiotic thing any idiot could do!

DOCTOR
Enjoy the variety.

PERI
What variety?

The Doctor picks up a silver cylinder from the wheelbarrow and looks it over.

DOCTOR
Me being an idiot. Well, you’re probably tired of living with a genius by now. A touch of idiocy will be refreshing. Until the control systems are reprogrammed, I won’t trust my health to them. It’s just a sensible precaution. We’ve no idea where we are!

PERI
They say it’s Earth!

DOCTOR
No, they say it MIGHT be Earth – and the instruments, as previously established, are unreliable. Now, whatever the atmospheric conditions outside, I will be safe.

He fits the silver cylinder to his chest.

DOCTOR
Air supply good. Yes, acid rain, hard vacuum, underwater, blazing desert – I’m much better prepared for whatever it is out there than you are.

Peri heads for the internal door.

PERI
Then I’ll get the other suit.

DOCTOR
Who said there was another suit?

Peri stops at the doorway.

PERI
Oh.

DOCTOR
And even if there was one, I wouldn’t let you wear it. Now stay in here.

Peri rolls her eyes in exasperation.

PERI
For how long?!

DOCTOR
Oh, I don’t know! Until you feel better.

PERI
Like I’ve been telling you all morning – I – FEEL – FINE!

DOCTOR
Then stay in here until you LOOK better.

He picks a mirror from the wheelbarrow and hands it to her. She looks at her reflection and tries not to noticeably do her hair.

PERI
I look OK!

DOCTOR
Ah, but you don’t look DAZZLING! Until you do, you’re grounded.

Peri folds her arms, and looks at the ground. She speaks quietly.

PERI
You know, if you don’t want me to travel with you any more, you could just say so.

The Doctor’s face falls. That really hurts.

DOCTOR
Oh, Peri... how can you even THINK that?

PERI
Why else wouldn’t you let me come with you?

DOCTOR
Perhaps because I think it’s for the best this time? Peri. Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be to be deprived of the freedom that you and I have. It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam, unable to get anywhere you want to. But you have been exposed to things no human being of the twentieth century has EVER dreamed of, let alone experienced! You may feel fine inside the TARDIS, outside time and space, but there’s absolutely no guarantee you will feel the same once you leave. I... I honestly would prefer you safe and sound in here.

PERI
Why do you act like it’s a just some joke?

DOCTOR
The key word there, Peri, is act. It’s just my way.

PERI
Way of saying you don’t want me to get hurt?

DOCTOR
Way of saying I’d hate to lose you. Now, all I am asking if you stay inside the TARDIS. Just for another day or so. By then, any recurring symptoms will have manifested themselves and we can take it from there. You know where that medicine is for if you DO feel ill? Good. Now, until I get back, take things nice and easy for a while. There’s plenty of entertainment in the library and...

The Doctor picks up his helmet but hesitates putting it on.

DOCTOR
I’m not asking too much, am I?

Peri smiles.

PERI
Guess not. But I still think we’re on Earth. You don’t need that outfit.

DOCTOR
Don’t I? What if we are on Earth before it had a breathable atmosphere?

PERI
The instruments say...

DOCTOR
I am RE-CALIBRATING the instruments, Peri. Now, I know you’ve only just learned how they work, but disregard them for the moment.

He holds up his handheld scanner/delta particle detector.

DOCTOR
I’ll take my own readings for now.

PERI
I still say it’s working fine!

DOCTOR
Really? You're sure of that, are you?

PERI
More than that. I'm positive they’re working fine.

DOCTOR
Think we're clever do we?

PERI
I know so.

DOCTOR
Then how about we make this interesting? A little wager, maybe? If you're right, and the TARDIS doesn’t need fixing you not only get to name our next destination but also get me to do you a favour. But if I'm right, I get the SAME!

Peri pretends to look worried.

PERI
Ooooh. Big stakes.

DOCTOR
Ah! Not so confident now, are we?

PERI
I am! ... Promise not to cheat?

DOCTOR
Peri, would I do a thing like that?

Peri smiles brightly and nods.

PERI
Yes, you would!

DOCTOR
Well, yes, I would - but I won't. This time.

PERI
Then you're on.

DOCTOR
Done.

They shake on it.


11. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)

As before. Farrier is still covering King with his pistol. King is coming to the end of a rather long and intriguing story which probably isn’t true.

KING
...and then I was beside the tree, when I saw your convoy. I thought you were guarding some coffers, and I know I have much better use for the money than anyone in the government. Sad to say though, but yet again, my loins were bigger than my stomach.

Pretchard bursts out laughing.

PRETCHARD
Fine jesting!

KENNING
Oh, grow up, Pretchard.

PRETCHARD
“His loins were bigger than his stomach” says he!

Farrier still hasn’t moved the pistol from King’s head. He speaks frostily.

FARRIER
I heard him. Chain him up.

Pretchard looks around for a few moments. Kenning whispers to him briefly. Pretchard nods in response and goes to the cart, pulling out some manacles. He fits them onto King, muttering sotto voce so the others do not hear.

PRETCHARD
Not too tight, Master King?

King smiles at Ferrier, hissing through gritted teeth.

KING
It's fine, thank you. I'm more concerned about my neck right now...

Farrier turns to face the other men.

FARRIER
Right, lads, who here can tell me the price on THAT there scumbag's head?

CONSTABLE
Eight hundred pound, sir.

FARRIER
That's right, Constable. Eight... hundred... pounds. And that's a share for ALL of us!

WATCHMEN
Huzzah!

KING
Please, no need to thank me, it was the least I could do...

Tom King is unceremoniously bundled into the prisoner cart.


12. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

The Doctor is putting his helmet on. His voice now booms through a speaker grille.

DOCTOR
Now, I’ve got a communicator just in case anything happens. Not that it's even remotely possible that it would, of course. Needless to say. But if it something does happen, I have the communicator. Which I won't be needing because nothing will be going wrong.

PERI
I get the idea. See ya.

He pulls the door lever and speaks in a very poor American accent.

DOCTOR
See ya!

The Doctor walks out through the doors. Peri pushes the control and the doors close.


13. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)

The sun has just set. The TARDIS stands in a wooded copse. The doors rattle open and the suited figure of the Doctor rather awkwardly emerges, making a loud breathing sound. Using a torch, the Doctor looks around him. His shoulders slump.

DOCTOR
Looks like Earth. Looks like England.

He reaches up and removes his helmet. He sighs.

DOCTOR
How utterly predictable.

He tries to tuck it under his arm but needs both hands to hold it. Since he cannot hold the helmet and use the torch, he shrugs and and unceremoniously throws it down onto the ground. He moves off through the trees.

DOCTOR
She will be insufferable after this...


14. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)

Two figures are striding purposefully down a dark road. One of them is a burly farmhand - EZEKIEL - whilst the other is clearly a nobleman, SIR ANTHONY. Anthony is carrying a rifle. Ezekiel is holding a lantern.

SIR ANTHONY
This had best not be some flight of fancy, Ezekiel.

EZEKIAL
It ain’t, sire.

SIR ANTHONY
Because you’ve dragged me out here for nothing...

EZEKIEL
I'd be swearing it ain't, sir, on me own mam's grave.

SIR ANTHONY
You have troubled me with less before.

EZEKIEL
All the more reason for this 'un to be the genuine, sir! Swear it, sure as day's light. Almighty strike me down where I stand if ain't it true!

Sir Anthony sighs wearily.

SIR ANTHONY
Yes, yes, I get the idea. What kind of sound did you say?

Ezekiel looks at him with palpable fear.

EZEKIEL
Not of this world, sir. Not of this world...


15. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)

The Doctor moves through the trees, shining the torch around. He stops, hearing something. He turns in a slow circle and a bird, disturbed, flutters off up into the sky. The Doctor smiles slightly at it.

DOCTOR
No ravenous bog monsters in the wood tonight? It WOULD make a change...

He frowns.

DOCTOR
Now, which way was I heading? Come to think of it, which way did I come from?

He turns, trying to reorient himself when the torch flickers wildly.

DOCTOR
Oh, don’t. Don’t you dare!

The torch dies.

DOCTOR
I’m warning you!

It stays dead.

DOCTOR
I’m serious!

The Doctor bangs it against a tree. No avail.

DOCTOR
Useless Algolian power pack.

He moves to put it in his pocket, but the diving suit does not allow him such freedom. He shrugs and throws it over his shoulder. He looks around.

DOCTOR
I definitely came from that way. So, that way must be TARDIS.

He turns and heads off in the opposite direction.


16. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)

The Doctor moves through the trees, before bumping into a fence. He starts to feel his way along when he sees, over a bush, a distant light.


17. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)

The light is Ezekiel’s lantern. He and Sir Anthony are getting closer.


18. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)

The Doctor ducks down below the fence.


19. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)

Ezekiel looks sharply to the left.

EZEKIEL
Did you see that, sire?

SIR ANTHONY
No. Your imagining things again, this is a waste of my time...

EZEKIEL
No, sir, I swear, I swear!


20. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)

The Doctor is hiding beside the fence. There is movement nearby.

DOCTOR
Is there someone there?

Silence.

DOCTOR
Because if there is, I think you should know some people are coming this way. They might be looking for you.

There is some more noise of movement. The Doctor stares through the fence, curiously, but can't see anything. He moves across to the paddock gate and opens it up. As soon as he does a cow comes out, and is soon followed by another.

DOCTOR
Oh. Of course.

He regains his composure as the fourth cow escapes.

DOCTOR
Look, get back inside.

The Doctor tries to push one back in, but to no avail. More start coming out the gate while he is distracted. The stricken cow starts to moo plaintively.


21. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)

The sound of distressed cattle reach the duo.

EZEKIEL
The cows, m'lud!

Sir Anthony groans.

SIR ANTHONY
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

The two start running towards the paddock as fast as they can.


22. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)

The Doctor is now surrounded by cows. They are all ignoring him, trying to find new grazing fodder.

DOCTOR
No! Get back in the paddock, you block-headed creatures! IN THE PADDOCK!

He crosses to one cow, nearest the gate, to shift it back in. A straggler cow runs out and knocks the Doctor over as it escapes.

DOCTOR
Bad cow!

Ezekiel and Sir Anthony reach the fence. Ezekiel’s lantern light falls on the Doctor, who shields his eyes against the sudden glare.

EZEKIEL (VO)
There he is!

DOCTOR
Oh no...

EZEKIEL (VO)
The flibbertigibbet!

SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Man or no, the blackguard's got my beasts!

DOCTOR
I don’t suppose either of you two give me a hand?

EZEKIEL (VO)
It speaks, sire!

SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Aye, an t'will bleed in a moment!

The Doctor wisely takes his cue to scramble for cover.

EZEKIEL (VO)
No!

A pistol shot is heard.

SIR ANTHONY (VO)
After him!

The Doctor scrambles around the corner of the fence.

DOCTOR
If they think a bunch of medieval misfits is going to get the better of me, well, they will be VERY much mistaken!

Fade to black.


23. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)

Fade up. We see the manor house against the star-studded sky. Lights burn in the windows.


24. INT. DRESCOTT HOUSE – STUDY (NIGHT)

A well-furnished room lit by candles. A large portrait of Sir Anthony hangs behind a large desk. The Doctor stands to one side, hands bound. Ezekiel stands by the door with a loaded pistol, staring at him in confusion. The Doctor sighs.

DOCTOR
This has to be the most embarrassing night of this ENTIRE life...

EZEKIEL
Your raiment...

DOCTOR
What about them?

EZEKIEL
Be they of one who worships the Horned Beast?

DOCTOR
If they are, they never said anything to me about it.

The door opens and Sir Anthony enters, grave and business like.

SIR ANTHONY
After some VERY hard work, my cattle have been recovered.

DOCTOR
You wouldn't have lost them in the first place if you didn't go firing guns about the place whenever you feel like it.

SIR ANTHONY
Silence!

The Doctor stares at him and mimes zipping his mouth closed.

SIR ANTHONY
You are either very stupid, or just very unlucky. Do you know why?

DOCTOR
Because I opened a gate and nearly got shot?

SIR ANTHONY
Because I am the magistrate of this town.

DOCTOR
This town being..?

Sir Anthony is puzzled at the question.

SIR ANTHONY
Tarbrook, of course.

DOCTOR
Oh, yes, of course, Tarbrook. I apologize. Mind like that cheese that's full of holes.

EZEKIEL
It could be a demon, sire. Unsure of where the dark forces have summoned it to?

SIR ANTHONY
If it IS a demon, Ezekiel, it's not a very good one.

EZEKIEL
There's more to him than meets the eye, sire.

SIR ANTHONY
Oh, just shut up, will you? Your superstition bores me at the best of times and these are NOT the best of times.

He turns to address the Doctor.

SIR ANTHONY.
I would be grateful if you could give me your name. It is not considered proper to assign a death penalty to an anonymous man.

DOCTOR
Aren't you forgetting something, here? The Magna Carta? Ring any bells?

Sir Anthony is taken aback.

SIR ANTHONY
I am no despot! You'll get a trial, man, just not a very long one - one week hence.

A pause.

DOCTOR
Is that IT?

SIR ANTHONY
Cattle-rustling is a very serious offence. Especially when it's my cattle.

DOCTOR
For the last time, I wasn’t cattle-rustling! Why would I attempt to rustle cattle on my own, with no equipment and clearly no gift for controlling cattle?

SIR ANTHONY
No doubt these matters will be revealed at the trial.

DOCTOR
You WILL be disappointed, then, Sir Anthony.

The door opens again and Pretchard and Kenning enter, looking half asleep. Pretchard speaks through several yawns.

PRETCHARD
Constables Pretchard and Kenning, Sir Anthony, reporting for prisoner. I mean, duty.

SIR ANTHONY
He's right there.

KENNING
Is he? Oh.

SIR ANTHONY
There's no need to be gentle with him - a dark horse wrapped in a ruffian.

DOCTOR
It always has to come down to fashion, doesn’t it?

Kenning and Pretchard grab a hold of the Doctor by his arms.

DOCTOR
It’s all right, Constables Pretchard and Kenning, I’m not going to hurt you.

EZEKIEL
Ware his tongue!

DOCTOR
Oh, what have I done now?

EZEKIEL
Constables, I beg you be careful, he has the mark of a being not of this world!

DOCTOR
What rot! Prove it!

EZEKIEL
He may yet form himself into an unholy beast of old!

Pretchard groans.

PRETCHARD
Why do we get the worst jobs, Kenning? Not just a prisoner escort at this time of night, a DEMON prisoner escort!

KENNING
I’d welcome a demon tonight, lad. My head’s so leaden I’d think it a mercy for the Dark Lord to steal it.

DOCTOR
Well, you’ve come to the wrong person. I’ve just gotten used to the head I’ve got...

SIR ANTHONY
Oh, get out, the lot of you!

DOCTOR
You heard him, men! ATTEN-SHUT!

They snap to attention. The Doctor grins at Sir Anthony.

DOCTOR
QUUUIIIIIIIIIIIICK MARCH! LEFT, RIGHT! LEFT, RIGHT!...

They march out of the room. Sir Anthony shakes his head in exasperation.

SIR ANTHONY
Those bumbling idiots... They will be the death of me on day.


25. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)

The trio march out of the house into the night, the Doctor leading the way. Dissolve to:


26. EXT. TARBROOK TOWN CENTRE (NIGHT)

Tarbook is quite a small town, but large enough to be more than a village. The centre of town is cobbled, and contains a feed-shed, an inn, and a jailhouse as some of it’s more prominent features. Currently it is night, so it is not at all busy. We hear the clumping of the watchmen's boots, and it isn't long before Kenning and Pretchard come on screen, keeping up a swift march with the Doctor between them. They both look very worn down, especially compared to the Doctor, who is not even flustered. Pretchard wheezily raises a hand and waves.

PRETCHARD
Sire? Sire, could we entreat you for a respite?

The Doctor keeps marching.

DOCTOR
I'm your prisoner, of course you can!

PRETCHARD
Oh... I'd forgotten.

KENNING
Me too. Let’s have a rest then.

They stop, sway and almost collapse, finding a doorway to sit in. The Doctor turns and heads back for them as they struggle to regain their breath.

DOCTOR
You're watchmen, then? No, not watchmen. You're constabulary? Sherriffs?

Kenning wearily manages to lift his head.

KENNING
By name, sir, but not by our natures.

DOCTOR
Clearly. You’re unusually disciplined for men in your position.

PRETCHARD
We are?

DOCTOR
Oh, yes. It's unpaid work, but you follow orders with military precision.

PRETCHARD
So would you, sire, if you were under Captain Farrier.

KENNING
A tyrant he is, sire. Damned tyrant of the highest order. Cares nothing for the rights of man. Not liberty nor fraternity.

PRETCHARD
Nor teatime.

KENNING
Indeed, nor teatime!

DOCTOR
Army man, is he? Sounds like a solider.

KENNING
Understand that he was, sire.

PRETCHARD
Not fit for active duty, though. Cause he limps.

KENNING
Limps! One leg moves behind the other - that's all is to it! You can CALL him lame but still he riles for a hunt, right enough. I've seen him move like... like...

DOCTOR
A snake caught between the scorpions pincers?

KENNING
Exactly like that, sire.

PRETCHARD
Kenning? What’s a scorpion?

KENNING
Never you mind, Pretchard.

DOCTOR
Interesting. Are you ready to move on?

PRETCHARD
Suppose so.

KENNING
The sooner you're behind lock and key the sooner we go to bed.

DOCTOR
Well, then we better start moving then, hadn’t we?

The pair of them reluctantly get back up and begin escorting the Doctor again. They move off much slower than when they arrived.

DOCTOR
You don't seem to be taking this work very seriously.

KENNING
Forgive us, sire but zealotry does not become.

DOCTOR
I’ve heard it said.

KENNING
Should you try and escape, though, I’ve no doubt you’d be impressed with the tenacity of some our comrades.

PRETCHARD
Oh good. We’re at the jailhouse.

They enter the nearest building.

- to be continued