To Catch A Thief I

(ROLL OPENING CREDITS)
(TO CATCH A THIEF)
(EPISODE ONE: THE LAST HIGHWAYMAN)

1. MODEL SHOT

The TARDIS gently rotates on its axis in a pleasantly shimmering blue void.

Dissolve to:


2. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

The console room is a bit messy. A few start charts cover the console, the scanner alcove is acting as a bookshelf and a small wheelbarrow full of junk is parked opposite the exterior doors. THE DOCTOR stands by the console, picking up junk off it – bags of sweets, note books, three different recorders. He looks at the stovepipe hat on the time rotor and sighs very deeply.

DOCTOR
Acted like he owned the place. What a liberty.

The internal door opens. Peri steps through, dressed in her rather rumpled blue trouser suit.

PERI
Morning, Doc. Want some breakfast?

DOCTOR
Peri, what are you doing out of bed?

PERI
I...

DOCTOR
You’re disobeying the Doctor’s orders, that is what you are doing!

PERI
OK, OK, I just wanted to know where we’re going.

DOCTOR
I haven’t the faintest idea.

PERI
Yeah, right.

DOCTOR
I honestly don’t know. What does it matter, anyway?

PERI
What kinda question is that?

DOCTOR
Exactly the kind it sounded like, Peri. I say exactly what I intend – no fooling about with double intendres for the likes of me. I mean everything I say.

He crosses over to the wheelbarrow and pretends to sift through it.

PERI
If I said half the things you did, I’d probably keep that to myself.

DOCTOR
Hmph. Apart from anything else, you’re not going anywhere in the foreseeable future so there seems little point in landing the TARDIS.

Peri smirks and crosses to the console to peer at the star charts.

PERI
What are you gonna do, huh? Ground me?

The Doctor glares at her, and continues to sift through the junk.

DOCTOR
Why not?

Peri’s face falls.

PERI
Um, I was just being a bit sarcastic.

The Doctor doesn’t look up from sorting through the junk.

DOCTOR
Were you? Fascinating.

PERI
Look, I’ll be as straightforward as you from now on, OK?

DOCTOR
It might help matters.

Peri takes a deep breath, but she’s getting increasingly irritated.

PERI
Fine, then. I don’t want to just wait around in the TARDIS, grounded or not, understand?

The Doctor beams at her.

DOCTOR
Understood. You’re still not going anywhere, though.

PERI
But I’m sick of staying in bed! Let’s go somewhere!

The Doctor walks over to Peri and places his hands on her shoulders.

DOCTOR
My dear, dear, Peri. Do just try and calm down.

She shrugs his hands off.

PERI
I’ll calm down when you stop patronizing me!

DOCTOR
Would I EVER patronize you, Peri?

PERI
Yes, you would!

DOCTOR
Only if I thought it would help you calm down.

PERI
You’re doing it now!

DOCTOR
What?

PERI
Patronizing me!

The Doctor snaps. Screaming at the top of his voice, he jumps up and down on the spot.

DOCTOR
I SAID "CALM DOWN"!!!

Peri is unable to stop giggling. The Doctor, struggling to control his breathing and calm himself down, chuckles.

DOCTOR
Peri. I honestly don’t think you’re in a fit state to travel. You are not even recovered from your bout of radiation sickness which, speaking as a man who has encountered such poisoning before, was very nasty.

PERI
Doctor, I feel fine! I’ve been through every gizmo in the medical kit twice.

DOCTOR
Peri, you were contaminated not more than five weeks since your entire biochemical system tried to change itself into a bird!

PERI
Doctor that was AGES ago!

DOCTOR
Ages? It was thirty two days ago! What is the problem with you humans?!

He runs a hand through his curls in exasperation.

DOCTOR
Why do you all think you’re bullet proof? Why can’t you remember that at the end of the day it all comes down to a very small fleshy pump pounding away behind the thin sheet of a handful brittle bones?

PERI
Yeah, I can do without the free X-ray, Doctor...

The Doctor sighs.

DOCTOR
Peri. You have been through a lot. A lot by MY standards – which, we both know, are staggeringly high. I would be very grateful if you went back to bed and continued to recuperate in peace and quiet.

PERI
Why are you getting so worried about me?

The Doctor shrugs awkwardly and starts to fold up the star chart.

DOCTOR
Worried about you? I’m not worried about you, per se. Just... showing an interest.

PERI
You are! You’re worried I’ll get hurt the next time I step outside.

DOCTOR
Well, on statistical probability it would be fair to expect it.

Peri snorts.

PERI
Fair? What about you? You practically go to get yourself killed everywhere you go! Sometimes I think you’ve got a death wish!

The Doctor spins round, outraged.

DOCTOR
I DO NOT! A death wish? Me? What lead you to that preposterous notion?!

PERI
You went and picked a fight with a guy.

DOCTOR
That’s not all that happened, and you know it...

PERI
A guy you said had twenty times your strength!

The Doctor preens and scratches his lapel.

DOCTOR
And I won, didn’t I?

PERI
Oh, minor detail!

DOCTOR
Peri, I hardly think citing examples of one or two less-tolerant people crossing my path is really relevant. I’m a Time Lord.

PERI
I hadn’t noticed.

DOCTOR
We are BUILT to survive this cruel universe!

PERI
What? And humans aren't?

DOCTOR
No you aren’t! You're designed to survive on ONE obscure little rock of a planet. A very pretty little rock of a planet with some lovely sunsets, admittedly, but an obscure little rock of a planet nonetheless. There's a big difference between us. The Time Lord physiology is specifically engineered to be immediately adaptable to all environments - even the vacuum of space. For a minute or two, anyway.

PERI
Well, whoop-de-do. Lucky old Time Lord.

DOCTOR
Lucky me.

He picks up another star chart from the console and notices the displays underneath.

DOCTOR
Oh, no, this isn’t good.

He starts adjusting controls frantically.

PERI
Something gone wrong? Again?

DOCTOR
Gone wrong? No. Not gone wrong. Not as such. But the systems have been tampered with.

PERI
Don’t look at me.

DOCTOR
I’m not looking at you! It wasn’t you, it was... him. My “other self”.

Peri rubs her eyes.

PERI
You’re not STILL going on about that, are you?

DOCTOR
Yes, I am! Have you any idea how troubling it is, wondering what he’s been doing to the control systems? He’s... CHANGED things! We’ll have to reset and recalibrate the old girl, MY way.

PERI
Not again!

DOCTOR
Yes, again! Peri, just look at what he’s done! The vector alignment map's been reset, the diometric stabiliser’s jammed, and coordinate override is...

He grabs a handle on the console (similar to the door control) and hauls on it, expecting it to resist. Unfortunately he rips it out of the console with a shower of sparks. Peri manages to stop him falling backwards over the wheelbarrow. Immediately a wobbly, speeded up materialization bellow rings out as the room shudders.

DOCTOR
...oops.

PERI
Guess the grounding’s been revoked, huh?

The Doctor gives Peri a long-suffering look.


3. MODEL SHOT

The TARDIS spins purposefully through the swirling light.


4. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

The Doctor and Peri are operating controls on the console – but the time rotor continues to piston and the room is swaying unsteadily.

PERI
What’s a coordinate override?

DOCTOR
Clever gadget. Depending what mode the TARDIS is in, it can change preprogrammed courses, set to a random destination, act as an anti-collision device...

PERI
So what now you’ve broken it?

DOCTOR
I did not break it! HE did! I just discovered the damage.

PERI
Well?

DOCTOR
Well, it’s cancelled the coordinate program and we’re heading for... somewhere. Random. Totally at the TARDIS’ choosing. Though, looking on the bright side, a test flight like this will be beneficial.

PERI
How so, my dear Doctor?

DOCTOR
Letting the old girl cruise like this, choosing its own destination at random, will allow me to monitor the current settings. And when I know what they are...

PERI
You can change them back to how you like them?

DOCTOR
Precisely! But there’s no way to tell just where we’ll end up.

PERI
It’ll be Earth.

DOCTOR
Might not be, Peri. We have all of time and space to choose from.

PERI
It’ll be Earth.

DOCTOR
What makes you say that?

PERI
Because the TARDIS likes going there. I like going there. You like going there. And you love the way the leaves look greener in the higher oxygen content...

DOCTOR
I doubt that has any say in matters. No, that would be too predictable for him.

PERI
Or maybe that’s what he wants you to think?

DOCTOR
Yes, he might do that...

He sighs wearily and shakes his head.

DOCTOR
And people talk about the past catching up with you.

The room lurches and there is the distant, loud sound of a crash. With a final materialization howl, the room steadies up, knocking the Doctor and Peri off their feet.


5. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)

A small, wooden cart makes its way along a forest road. It is drawn by a pair of old horses, and a dim-looking DRIVER. Ahead of it walks a patrol of MEN in uninspiring uniforms in the early 18th century style. At their head walks CAPTAIN FARRIER. Two of the watchmen at the rear of the column start talking to one another: they are PRETCHARD and KENNING. Kenning is short and stout, and speaks in a fairly plummy voice.

KENNING
Has he told you anything of the prisoner?

PRETCHARD
Why would he? Everyone knows I can't keep a secret.

Kenning chuckles.

KENNING
Exactly. Sometimes men in his position feel it's advantageous to let secrets out.

PRETCHARD
Well, he doesn't, clearly. He told me nothing about her.

KENNING
Her? It's a she?

Pretchard curses under his breath.

PRETCHARD
Erm, yeah. Don't spread it around.

KENNING
My dear lad, would I do a thing like that?

Pretchard's reaction shows that he doesn't like being called lad, and that he knows full well Kenning WOULD do a thing like that.

KENNING
Is she good looking?

PRETCHARD
She's our prisoner!

KENNING
So? She's got a face don't she?

PRETCHARD
Yeah, if only it was the face which it was you were concerned with.

FARRIER
HALT!

The column comes to a sudden stop, with the exception of Pretchard and Kenning, who bump into the backs of the men in front of them. Farrier turns around to face them. He is a scary-looking man, and walks with a limp. He slowly walks in between the ranks until he comes to right in front of them.

FARRIER
Enjoying yourselves?

Pretchard shrugs and mumbles.

PRETCHARD
Til now.

Kenning elbows him in the ribs. Pretchard groans and doubles over, gasping, so Kenning steps in front of him and speaks very loudly to block out the moans.

KENNING
The answer could be yes but could no, sire. No in the sense that our duties may currently be not of an exciting nature, but also yes in the sense that it is always an honour and delight to serve in such a noble cause-

FARRIER
Shut your fat gob, Kenning - before someone shoves a pistol in it.

Kenning meekly returns to his former position. Pretchard is now able to breathe.

KENNING
Will do so, sire.

FARRIER
I don't like noise. I don't like noise when I'm hearing the newest and most fashionable concerto being played by a virtuoso on a Stradivarius. And I certainly don't like it when I'm hearing it from my two WORST officers.

Pretchard draws a rattling breathe.

PRETCHARD
Sire...

He has a very loud coughing fit.

PRETCHARD
I'll be... quiet from... from now on...

He gives very loud, long retch. It goes for about six seconds. He straightens up.

PRETCHARD
Sire.

Farrier looks at him, deadpan.

FARRIER
Very glad to hear it.

Farrier turns to face Kenning, who backs away as much as he can.

FARRIER
And you, Kenning? Or would you like to ride with the prisoner yourself?

KENNING
By the fact you are offering, I am guessing I do not.

Farrier smiles slightly.

FARRIER
No, you don't. She's like to scratch your sodding eyeballs out. Of course, mind you, you're the last person who'll have a say in the matter.

Kenning gives a frightened grin, showing his lack of dental history.


6. INT. TARDIS CORRIDOR (DAY)

Peri stands outside a door not too far away to the control room. The Doctor is inside, and she has been talking for a while.

PERI
...and it’s kind of flattering, I admit. God knows you’re showing more concern than my stepfather. But I still think that it’s totally unreasonable! I mean, I know I’ve been through a hard time, but surely I’m the best one to decide if I can keep it up? I’d know, wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I?

No reply. Peri raises her voice.

PERI
Doctor? Doctor, are you listening to me?

No reply. Peri fumes.

PERI
Right.

She wrenches the door open and is taken aback to see a huge figure in an antique diving suit with a golden spherical helmet standing there. She cries out in shock as it lurches out of the door towards her.


7. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)

As before. Ferrier is still chastising Kenning and Pretchard.

FERRIER
And if I hear just one more word from the pair of you...

CONSTABLE (VO)
Captain Farrier!

Farrier rushes forward to one of his men, the CONSTABLE, who is pointing to the bushes. After a moment we can make out something moving in the foliage, watching them. Dangerous music. Farrier and the Constable exchange whispers.

FARRIER
Constable?

CONSTABLE
Man with a spyglass, sire.

FARRIER
Aha!

Farrier whips out his flintlock pistol and fires it into the bush.

FARRIER
Come out into plain sight, coward!

He throws down the first pistol and pulls out a second, which is also loaded. The thing in the bushes, breathing heavily, moves out of the foliage towards the group. We see it’s point of view as Farrier trains the pistol on him.

FARRIER
And just who and what are you, fellow?

We see it is a rather embarrassed-looking MAN, dressed all in black. His hands are up.

MAN
My, my.

Farrier does not react to the greeting.

FARRIER
Pretchard! Search him!

PRETCHARD
Sire!

Pretchard hurries over to the man and starts to frisk him

MAN
This is dreadfully unexpected...


8. INT. TARDIS CORRIDOR (DAY)

Peri is leaning against the wall, trying to calm down. The diving suit’s helmet has been removed, revealing the Doctor was wearing it all along. He puts the helmet on the floor and starts to remove his gloves.

DOCTOR
...first you stand out here talking to yourself for minutes, then you scream as soon as you set eyes on me! And then you claim you’re fully recovered!

PERI
What the hell are you wearing?

DOCTOR
A diving suit. Obviously. Somehow it managed to survive the fire. Good old Victorian workmanship, there’s none finer...

PERI
Yeah, I can see that--

DOCTOR
And you just asked me! Can’t you see, Peri, you’re NOT all right!

PERI
Of course I'm all right!

The Doctor places his bare hand on her forehead.

DOCTOR
Really? Because your temperature disagrees.

Peri puts her own hand to her forehead.

PERI
Does it?

DOCTOR
Oh, yes.

He picks up the helmet and gloves.

DOCTOR
I’m can’t tell if it’s too high or too low but there’s definite temperature there and it disagrees with you.

The Doctor walks off down the corridor. Peri goes after him.

PERI
Doctor, you're being an idiot! AGAIN!


9. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)

As before. Pretchard now holds a pistol and a large purse. The Man still has his hands raised and smiles a winning smile.

FARRIER
Any particular reason you've been stalking about the forest carrying a gun?

MAN
I'm a merchant. But I'm rather down on my luck, you see, so I can no longer afford guards. You'll note that also gives a reasonable explanation for the purse.

FARRIER
And where are your wares?

MAN
Mislaid, I'm sad to say. There was a card game. A regrettable card game. My horse was lost in it as well, which is why I'm headed back along this way, so I can buy them back and resume my business.

FARRIER
Whilst avoiding the roads?

MAN
Of course, my good man, of course. There are bandits along these roads!

FARRIER
I thought that was why you had carried the gun? In case of bandits?

The man grins slightly too much.

MAN
Ah, yes, but... well, it’s... you see, I was also concerned... about my debtors. Yes. As you can imagine, I owe money to some other gentlemen as well. They’ve been looking for me. Naturally, I wish to avoid them as much as it is possible to do so.

FARRIER
Naturally.

Farrier raises the pistol up to the Man’s head and steps towards him.

FARRIER
I feel certain that THIS is the part where you admit that in truth you are nothing but a filthy highwayman.

The man grins back, unafraid.

MAN
I was worried you’d never guess. Tom King, sire, at your service.

The name means something to everyone present.

PRETCHARD
THE Tom King?

KENNING
CAPTAIN King?!

PRETCHARD AND KENNING
THE CAPTAIN King?!?

KING
One and the same.

Farrier is clearly struggling to remain aloof.

FARRIER
Clearly, Captain King, you are not the thief the stories claim. You just walked straight into the biggest group of watchmen the forest has ever seen!

King looks around in mock realization.

KING
So I have!

- to be continued...