The Chase of Pathos I

(RUN OPENING CREDITS)
(THE CHASE OF PATHOS)

1. INT. TARDIS CORRIDOR (DAY)

A corridor not too far away from the control room. Several roundels have been removed to reveal the circuitry beneath. The DOCTOR is attaching a batch of circuitry to a socket inside the roundel, but it does not seem to fit right and he nearly loses his grip on it. Holding it in place with one hand, he takes the sonic screwdriver from his mouth and uses it on the circuits until satisfied. He takes his hand away carefully – the circuit stays were it is. Pleased, he presses a button on the circuit. There is a mild explosion of sparks that startles the Doctor.

DOCTOR
Well, that shouldn’t have happened!

Annoyed, he zaps the circuit again and presses the button twice. A light blinks on and the Doctor smiles happily. PERI enters from the other end of the corridor.

PERI
What was that?

DOCTOR
A genius at work.

The Doctor replaces the roundel.

PERI
You should put up warning signs. Anyway, you want some breakfast?

DOCTOR
“Breakfast”? No thank you.

PERI
Come on, I made waffles.

DOCTOR
Lovely, I’m sure. And as much as I appreciate the gesture, I am capable of feeding myself, you know Peri.

He delves into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate bar.

PERI
Fine. It’s just you haven’t eaten in three days.

DOCTOR
I’ve been busy.

PERI
On what? You’ve reset everything three times since the other you changed things. Haven’t you got it back the way you want.

DOCTOR
Oh yes, did that ages ago. But it is maintenance I’m concerned about now.

PERI
What maintenance? The zeiton stuff is installed, the TARDIS is fine!

DOCTOR
“Fine”? My dear Peri, this time and relative dimension in space is barely working at 37 per cent of its proper function. There are a million and one things need fixing – and if I’ve started, I might as well finish.

The Doctor ducks into a nearby room, struggling to unwrap his chocolate bar.


2. INT. TARDIS JUNCTION ROOM (DAY)

A rather bare room with a table of components and half a dozen roundels removed to expose the components within. A few tables covered with tools and junk are scattered around. The Doctor and Peri enter.

PERI
What’s so urgent? We’ve got life support, we can move, the beds are comfy and the kitchen is stocked.

DOCTOR
But the Chameleon Circuit doesn’t work!

The Doctor gives up on the chocolate bar and drops it onto a table. Snatching up some circuit boards, he crosses to another open roundel and slides them into place.

PERI
Chameleon circuit?

DOCTOR
Yes.

PERI
You have a circuit for Kamelion the android?

DOCTOR
Not that Kamelion.

PERI
You mean the lizard? You have a circuit for lizards?

DOCTOR
It is something of a misnomer that chameleons deliberately change the colour of their scales to blend in with their surroundings, but they are capable of it.

PERI
And this circuit, what, changes the colour of the TARDIS?

DOCTOR
Not just colour. Shape, texture, width, size, form. You didn’t really think it was constructed as a police box, did you? No, the TARDIS is capable of many amazing things – when working properly. And when working properly, the TARDIS disguises itself as a suitable form to blend into its surroundings wherever it may be.

PERI
But yours doesn’t, because it doesn’t work properly?

The Doctor lowers a component over the circuit boards and it snaps into place.

DOCTOR
Yes. The circuit was playing up when I came into possession of the old girl, and it jammed when I visited London in 1963. No one would have given a police box a second glance back then. But it’s stayed as a police box ever since.

PERI
Until now?

The Doctor looks at her, a mad glint in his eye and a feral grin.

DOCTOR
Until now.

He presses a control on the component and it lights up.


3. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

Peri has tidied up the room slightly over the last few days, but several roundels are now open to expose circuitry within. The Doctor and Peri enter. The Doctor checks a diamond-shaped circular lamp on the door control panel. It is flashing.

DOCTOR
Ahah! There – camouflage unit fully active! Now the next time we materialize, the system will scan the surrounding area in atto-seconds, examine the current cultural aesthetics of that particular location in time and space, build up a complex architectural matrix from the intergalactic standard template, and carefully examine and cross reference the data it has so far collected.

PERI
And that’s what was broken?

DOCTOR
Oh, no, that part was fine. The trouble was every single time the Chameleon Circuit THEN chucked all the information in the bin and took whatever shape pleased it most – and it was always some type of police box.

PERI
Another triumph for free thought!

DOCTOR
True. But rather inadequate as a disguise.

The Doctor claps his hands in a business like fashion.

DOCTOR
Now, where to next, Peri? The final days of Pompeii? The Paradise System? The Millennial Science Fair of 2001? The Love Joy Time Web? Bellows Fletch? Or, dare we even to suggest, watch the archaeological dig on Berryn IV?

PERI
OR we could have a picnic?

The Doctor slowly turns to look at her.

DOCTOR
A picnic.

PERI
Yeah. We’ve done enough universe saving, historical sightseeing and whistle tours of the dark places of the rotten human soul. We deserve a holiday, and what better way to start than with...

The Doctor’s voice and expression do not change.

DOCTOR
A picnic.

Peri grins, snaps her fingers and points at the Doctor.

PERI
You got it!

DOCTOR
A picnic.

PERI
You must know somewhere nice for a picnic? Nice and safe and dull? No Tractators, Cybermen, psychopaths, mercenaries, plasmatons, evil Time Ladies, giant insects or highwaymen? Somewhere like that?

A long pause.

DOCTOR
A picnic.

PERI
OK. How about we head to London in 1963. That way if the chameleon circuit is still not working, no one will notice?

DOCTOR
Fine. A picnic.

The Doctor starts setting controls, adjusting the components in the roundels.

PERI
What’s wrong with a picnic?

DOCTOR
Did I say anything was wrong with a picnic?

PERI
How about if I make the hamper?

The Doctor sighs melodramatically.

DOCTOR
If you want...

PERI
Oh, come on, Doc. We can use up the waffles I made? Hey, I’ll get you some Prenuvian pate, some macroons, cake and a pot of orange pekoe tea, you love that!

The Doctor waves his hand dismissively.

DOCTOR
If you must, you must.

Peri rolls her eyes and heads for the internal door. The Doctor watches her go and when she’s gone, laughs and claps his hands. Much more enthusiastically, he moves around the console and resets controls.

DOCTOR
She likes holidays, knows a perfect picnic menu and she remembers what sort of tea I like. How did I ever manage without her?


4. EXT. OUTSIDE AUCTION HOUSE (DAY)

A bright sunny day in a countryside car park near a warehouse open to the public. Several trucks are parked and various PEOPLE are carefully unloading furniture, and arranging it near the entrance to the warehouse. Some other people are arranging antiques and marking them. A smug looking short, bearded man called DIRKUS is strolling around the allotment, chewing on an unlit cigar. As he moves off, in the corner of the car park between a dresser and several hat stands and racks, the TARDIS materializes normally, partially blocking a sign saying:

DIRKUS’
SALES BY
AUCTION

5. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

The Doctor watches as the time rotor sinks into the console with a chime.

PERI (VO)
We arrived yet?

DOCTOR
Just seconds ago.

PERI (VO)
Where are we then?

DOCTOR
Somewhere nice and safe and dull, as the lady requested.

Peri re enters, carrying a picnic hamper and a wide-brimmed straw hat.

PERI
And where’s that?

The Doctor moves to the other monitor as information scrolls down it.

DOCTOR
Earth, south England, 460 feet above sea level, in an area of picturesque countryside, pleasant towns and countless opportunities for recreation, shopping and entertainment. At least that’s what the New Shell Guide to Britain says. Its part of the parish of Slaugham and the postcode is RH119, Crawley.

PERI
And what’s the local name for it?

DOCTOR
Pease Pottage.

Peri smirks.

PERI
No, seriously, what’s it called?

DOCTOR
It’s called Pease Pottage, a small town in Crawley.

PERI
“Pease Pottage”? Is that rhyming slang?

DOCTOR
No, it’s Olde English.

PERI
For what?

DOCTOR
Pea soup.

PERI
Why would anyone name a town after pea soup? Oh, wait is it foggy or something?

DOCTOR
Let’s see.

The Doctor turns the dial and the scanner opens. The junk outside fills the screen.

PERI
Rolling green fields? Alien holocaust, more like.

DOCTOR
Nonsense.

The Doctor adjusts the scanner. The image pans to show the warehouse.

DOCTOR
Ah. There you are, Peri, a simple explanation.

PERI
We’re at a showroom?

DOCTOR
More or less.

PERI
An antique’s road show?

DOCTOR
Probably an auction on today. Shall we have a divvy?

PERI
A what?

DOCTOR
Divvy! Glance at the antiques to try and spot a genuine prize. A true divvy is someone capable of telling the real thing at a glance, with no need for catalogues, or research.

PERI
And you think we can do that?

DOCTOR
We might be able to do. It’s instinct, it can’t be taught. Come on!

Cheerfully he pulls the door control and scurries out. Peri dumps the hamper in the wheelbarrow. She sighs.

PERI
Looking at antiques. Well, Brown, you ASKED for nice and safe and dull...

Sighing, she follows the Doctor outside. The doors close.


6. EXT. OUTSIDE AUCTION HOUSE (DAY)

The Doctor is easing several antiques out of the way, allowing him to emerge fully from the small place the TARDIS is in. Peri carefully emerges, frowns, and looks back at the TARDIS. She hurries over to the Doctor.

PERI
Bad news, Doctor.

DOCTOR
Oh?

PERI
The chameleon circuit isn’t working.

The Doctor looks at the police box and blinks.

DOCTOR
So it is. Or rather, isn’t. Well, those were two days uninterrupted work wasted!

Angrily, he crosses back to the TARDIS and hauls the door closed with an angry slam. Immediately there is a muffled whining of machinery starting up, getting louder and louder. The Doctor jumps out of the alcove of antiques as the noise changes into a loud electrical buzzing. The police box turns transparent to reveal a polished wooden cupboard of vaguely the same size. The police box fades away entirely as the noise ends.

DOCTOR
Ah! There! I knew I fixed it!

Brightly he turns to join Peri.

DOCTOR
She just hadn’t done it for a while.

PERI
Great. But what if gets stuck again?

DOCTOR
Well, on the bright side, all those nasty enemies looking for police boxes won’t be expecting an Sheraton armoire to materialize in the midst of things. Now, let’s see what’s on offer before they call the auction.

The Doctor heads off for the warehouse. Peri follows.

PERI
What exactly are you looking for?

DOCTOR
Oh, how should I know until I find it?

PERI
You want a bargain from antiques? Why not just use the TARDIS and get them new?

DOCTOR
It's not the same, Peri! Where's the thrill of the chase? The excitement!

PERI
Excitement? In looking through some glorified garage sale?

DOCTOR
An auction, Peri. An auction. Yes, there are roll top desks and battered birdcages and commemorative medals, not to mention the omnipresent silver cutlery. But somewhere amongst them there could be a genuine antique.

PERI
You think?

DOCTOR
I do. Genuine, authentic, shining with love that it was made with.

PERI
And if there isn't?

DOCTOR
It's the possibility that triggers excitement, Peri, not the reality. Deep down, all these dealers come here for that feeling.

PERI
What about the money?

DOCTOR
Where's your faith in human nature?

PERI
You’re not human.

DOCTOR
Does that make you trust me more or less?

Dirkus and another man, LACHLAN, wander past the furniture. Lachlan is a man in his late fifties with a monocle and a clipboard with lots of paper crammed into it. Lachlan is scribbling furiously with a ballpoint pen. Dirkus is talking a lot.

DIRKUS
...that ebony is superb. Simply superb, so it better do better than the jade. I got forty-seven per cent less than what three separate divvies valued it as. Argot too, worth a fortune. What did I get for it? Five pounds ninety, that’s what I get for it. I tell you, I have run out of rainy day supplies, it’s practically been a monsoon all year. The weather better stay clement, Lachlan, or you’ll be all at sea if I’m in the same boat and if so much as one loose canon rocks that boat...

He trails off as he sees the TARDIS, still disguised as an armoire.

DIRKUS
Lachlan?

LACHLAN
Yes, Mr. Dirkus?

DIRKUS
I thought there was only one armoire today.

LACHLAN
There is. Sheraton style armoire, in lot 23. It’s already inside. This must be a different one.

DIRKUS
Thank you, Lachlan. I’d never have worked that out by myself.

He peers between the dresser at the TARDIS.

DIRKUS
An armoire... Sheraton style too...

He steps back, popping the unlit cigar back in his mouth.

DIRKUS
Good enough.

LACHLAN
For what, sir?

DIRKUS
To suit a Yorkshire man with more money than sense and personalized number plates. They refused to bid, but offered me a monkey for it. They can have this one instead.

LACHLAN
But it’s not ours!

Dirkus snorts in amusement.

DIRKUS
Any marker on it?

Worried, Lachlan steps into the narrow space and inspects the TARDIS.

LACHLAN
Uh, no. Seems to be humming though...

DIRKUS
Probably your shakes, you disheveled lush. Someone’s dumped it here for the meanwhile. As the old saying goes, finders are keepers, losers are... heh... losers. Right, put the original up for auction and get this one down to storage. Get it done, Lachlan.

Lachlan sighs and struggles to leave the alcove.

LACHLAN
Yes, Mr. Dirkus.


7. EXT. THE WAREHOUSE (DAY)

People are milling around, looking through the various items on display. The Doctor and Peri move through the crowd. In one corner, a woman is tidying a polished table holding a variety of vases and plates. This is MELANIE BUSH, with a mane of red hair, fierce blue eyes and freckles. She picks up a catalogue and flips through it, checking the things on the table match with the pages before her. The Doctor and Peri meander over. The Doctor picks up a figurine, examines it for a moment and puts it back.

DOCTOR
You haven’t seen a silver powder box, have you? I’ve always wanted one of those, somewhere to keep the transducers and fuse wire for emergencies.

Peri picks up a blue and gold plate.

PERI
This looks nice.

The Doctor glances at it.

DOCTOR
It's a fake.

PERI
Is it?

DOCTOR
Made by Samuel Glen in 1723?

Peri checks the plate.

PERI
"Glen... AD 1723". Yep.

DOCTOR
It's a fake.

PERI
How do you know?

DOCTOR
Samuel Glen was born in 1724. As you can imagine, him making a plate a year before he existed either suggests a temporal paradox big enough to rip the universe apart, OR...

PERI
Or a fake. I get it.

She drops the plate. They cross to Mel’s table.

PERI
I thought you weren’t supposed to research authenticity.

DOCTOR
If you’re a divvy, yes, but perhaps I’m a barker?

PERI
A barker? You’re a dog?

MEL
A barker is a divvy with knowledge rather than instinct.

DOCTOR
I couldn’t have put it better myself, miss...

Mel smiles.

MEL
I’m Mel.

PERI
Mel?

MEL
Short for Melanie. Melanie Bush.

They shake hands. The Doctor picks up a mirror and looks it over while the others talk.

PERI
Ah, well, I’m Peri, short for Perpugilliam. Perpugilliam Brown.

Mel glances at Peri uncertainly.

MEL
Nice name.

Peri smiles and shrugs.

PERI
Like I say to my mom, “What was wrong with Chloe?”

Mel chuckles.

MEL
We can’t choose our family. My aunt’s the reason I’m here today.

PERI
Is she an antique dealer?

MEL
No, but her attic was full. Still, it’s not the worst way to spend a Sunday morning, is it? Nice to meet new people, see some lovely things.

PERI
Guess so. What do you do normally?

MEL
I’m a junior computer programmer, down at the Sussex Deltech branch.

PERI
Uh, neat. A whizzkid.

MEL
Is that what they call us in America?

PERI
Well, it’s a compliment. So, you separate any good, er, encrypted codes from a language protocol lately?

Mel laughs.

MEL
Not really. I’m still learning the ropes, they won’t let me get any good stuff for a while. They’re really paranoid after that robbery in London. Did you hear about it?

Peri shrugs.

PERI
Oh, we heard some gossip in passing.

MEL
Are you visiting England for long?

PERI
Just passing through, I’m on an equatorial vacation.

MEL
And you came to Pease Pottage of all places?!

PERI
I’m a trendsetter. And it seemed like a nice place for a picnic, but my friend...

The Doctor picks up a pair of Wellington boots.

DOCTOR
Are these for auction too?

MEL
No, they’re mine.

DOCTOR
Pity. My incredible knowledge and skill as a barker have let me down again.

PERI
Seen anything you want?

DOCTOR
There was that antediluvian insect repellent pump by the exit.

PERI
What’s an antediluvian insect?

MEL
Antediluvian, Peri. It means “old-fashioned”.

DOCTOR
Thank you, my dear. An old-fashioned repellent pump for CONTEMPORARY insects.

Peri tries to hide her irritation.

PERI
Annnnnnnnnd why do you want it?

DOCTOR
Well, it would go down a storm on Vortis, be the equivalent of a baby’s bottle.

MEL
Where’s Vortis?

DOCTOR
Oh, off the beaten track, you wouldn’t have heard of it.

MEL
I’ve heard of most places.

PERI
Some fancy local name only academics use?

The Doctor examines the stuff on the table.

DOCTOR
If you like.

MEL
Do you think this stuff will get much?

DOCTOR
Which lot is it?

MEL
Lot number 6.

She hands him the catalogue she holds. The Doctor glances through it, grim. The people around them start to move faster and talk louder.

DOCTOR
Long case clocks, bible boxes, filing cabinets... Well, auctions are unpredictable beasts... These paintings though.

MEL
Good value?

DOCTOR
If you remove the paintings and auctioned the frames, possibly...

MEL
I didn’t think so. Hold up, the auction’s starting.

DOCTOR
Yes. Still, you never know. I better get some currency from the TARDIS, I’m fresh out.

PERI
You’re not seriously going to buy stuff, are you?

The Doctor is hurrying to exit.

DOCTOR
Back soon!


8. EXT. OUTSIDE THE WAREHOUSE (DAY)

The Doctor runs over to where the TARDIS was parked. He pauses to take his key from his waistcoat pocket, stopping as he sees the empty space. Frowning he crosses to it.

DOCTOR
Chameleon Circuit must be playing up again...

He puts out his hand. It touches empty air. The Doctor frowns.

DOCTOR
Oh no...

He looks around, then sprints back to the warehouse.


9. INT. WAREHOUSE (DAY)

The auction has started, with a large crowd standing before a stage. A stern-looking AUCTIONEER stands at a podium while two other handymen carry the objects on stage to show off to the crowd.

AUCTIONEER
Lot 5, an Arabian wedding headdress. Who will start me at 100? 100 for a start? Anywhere?

Various people start to bid.

AUCTIONEER
100, I’m bid? Who will make it 120? Looking for 120... 120, I’m bid. 130? Who’ll make it 130, I am looking for? With you, madam, 130, the bid’s with you at 130 but I’m looking for 50...

This continues. The Doctor rushes into the crowd and searches for Peri and Mel.

PERI
What’s up?

DOCTOR
The TARDIS, it’s been stolen!

PERI
Oh typical, they must have thought it was one of the antiques!

MEL
Oh, they wouldn’t take it if it didn’t have a marker on it.

DOCTOR
Melanie, the antiques racket is not renowned for fairness and is well known for selling and supplying stolen goods!

MEL
Don’t be so pessimistic, Doctor. You sure someone’s taken it?

DOCTOR
Certain.

PERI
You should have left it as a police box!

MEL

Police box?

DOCTOR
Bizarrely enough, Peri, that isn’t a comforting or helpful thought at the moment.

AUCTIONEEER
At 350, and yours, sir.

MEL
Oh, that’ll be my lot next.

She heads to the front of the room.

PERI
Oh, right. Good luck.

MEL
Thanks.

PERI
Well, what are we going to do about it?

DOCTOR
How should I know? It might have been carted off by any one of the farmers or collectors...

PERI
Well, we’ll ask the guy in charge – it should narrow down. What did it look like again?

DOCTOR
A Sheraton armoire.

Peri blinks.

PERI
Like that one?

She points to the stage. The Doctor follows her gaze and sees an armoire being loaded on stage. It is identical to the shape the TARDIS assumed.

DOCTOR
Just like that one.

AUCTIONEER
Ah yes, ladies and gentlemen, a last minute entry on behalf of Mr. Tony Dirkus. This is a 19th century Sheraton armoire in good condition, solid satinwood with the trademark rectilinear form, inlaid decorations and brass trimmings. A spectacular piece, in short.

The Doctor watches on, furious.

- to be continued...