Lost Story Artwork: Twilight of the Living

THE TWILIGHT OF THE LIVING

by Miles Ried

Savini-Minor - a colony world on the outermost frontier of the Earth Empire. First established in 4570, the settlers now wait for a fresh batch of colonists eager to start a new life on the verdant green planetoid. The atmosphere is perfect, the lands cultivated, the settlers are thriving, the moon is a lovely shade of red and IMC are delighted with the mineral deposits discovered so far.

But something has gone wrong. Something has gone terribly wrong. Something no one was expecting.

On Savini-Minor, time is running out. On Savini-Minor, there is a creeping pandemic destroying civilization. On Savini-Minor, the colonists are caught in a struggle of survival against ever-increasing odds. On Savini-Minor there is a fate worse than death. On Savini-Minor, the dead won't stay dead. On Savini-Minor, the dead walk and the living run. On Savini-Minor, it is the beginning of the end.

On Savini-Minor, the TARDIS has landed and the Doctor and Peri are trapped in the darkest day of horror that either of them will ever know and there is no hope for tomorrow...

SlipBack Draft Script

A redraft of the first episode, based on Miles Reid's script...

(RUN OPENING CREDITS)

1. MODEL SHOT

We see a large, foggy grey planet hanging in space and has three moons. Lights dart back and forth in the space around it. We pan out to see the TARDIS slowly spinning through space towards it.


2. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT)

The time rotor is moving and the scanner is open, showing the grey planet. THE DOCTOR is operating the console on the side of the doors, while PERI leans against it, looking at the scanner.

PERI
It's a dustbowl... a tennis ball covered in dust.

DOCTOR
THAT is Zaurak Minor, Peri! The quintessential cosmic monopoly of cosmopolitan metropolii! The hub of the Galactic Confederacy, and in the new scheme of things the successor to Earth – the world that counts, where everyone’s been there and back!

PERI
Still looks like a dump.

The Doctor finishes setting controls and joins her on the other side of the console.

DOCTOR
And looks aren’t always deceptive. The universe, as an ethnographic entity, has reached middle age. The peoples of the cosmos have left home, settled down to act responsible, raise two point five offspring and ponder about their pet voltrox’s manic depression over the mortgage. An age of peace and prosperity.

Peri finally looks at the Doctor, taking her eyes from the screen.

PERI
So what went wrong?

The Doctor shrugs and folds his arms.

DOCTOR
The universe, as an ethnographic entity, has reached its mid-life crisis.


3. MODEL SHOT

The TARDIS moves closer to the planet.


4. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT)

The Doctor is collecting his jacket from the hatstand.

DOCTOR
We’re not seeing it at it’s best, of course. All the pioneers and explorers have gone, the miners too now that all the available mineral resources have been used up and now everyone’s too concerned with making ends meet. And some very nasty opportunities have come up...

PERI
Is the human race still around?

The Doctor puts on his jacket, rather surprised at the question.

DOCTOR
Of course. The gene pool’s slightly more even now – the creeds and colours are too close nowadays for anyone to complain. Give or take the extra kidney and few inches in height, humanity is as it always was. Mind you, there are several other species living down there. Draconians, Terileptils, the odd Mogarian...

PERI
Is that bad?

The Doctor considers his answer.

DOCTOR
Just stick close to me, Peri, we won’t be staying long.

He crosses back to the scanner. The planet fills the screen.

PERI
Why are we going there at all?

DOCTOR
To visit one of the finest Voxnic bars this side of the universe, of course! Why else?

PERI
Voxnic? You always say I'm too young for it.

DOCTOR
Well... you were. But now you’re not, and I would love a glass of vintage 20th Millennium.

Peri looks up in surprise as he starts setting controls again.

PERI
That’s why we’re here? To get wasted in an alien wine bar?

DOCTOR
Did you have anything else planned tonight, Peri?

Grinning, he slides the control to full before she can answer. The sound of materialization fills the room.


5. MODEL SHOT

The spinning TARDIS slowly fades away, leaving the space above the planet empty.

(FINISH OPENING CREDITS)
(SLIPBACK)
(EPISODE ONE)

1. MODEL SHOT

We see a sprawling city of grey sky scrapers and highways. Grey smog wafts over the scene, and there is the sound of futuristic traffic and blaring music. It is hard to tell if it is dawn or dusk.


2. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY - STREET CORNER (DAY)

Various ALIENS are wandering around, most of them in a hurry, some sitting against walls, drinking from distinctive cone-like flasks of Voxnic. A cloaked figure carrying a duffel bag – SHELLINGBORNE moves from the crowds down an even-gloomier side street. He stops by some dumpsters where there is a narrow doorway, from which emerge different music and pulsing lights – like a quiet disco. Garish, alien hieroglyphics are spray painted on the wall. The graffiti contains the phrase LUCAN’S PLACE, VOXNIC, JOCKEYBAR, NO TOUR BOTS. A service ANDROID – a simplistic, shiny metal robot with a crude approximation of a face – glides up to the doorway. It speaks in a thick, synthesized buzz.

ANDROID
I’m afraid I must ask you to submit to a weapons scan.

GRANT
I’ve nothing to hide.

The Android raises its left claw. In it is a handheld device it waves over Grant’s cloaked body and over his bag. The buzz remains steady and after a moment it stops.

ANDROID
Thank you, sir. Please step inside. Welcome to Lucan’s Place.

The android glides backwards into bar. The cloaked Grant enters. Further down the street, past the dumpster, is the TARDIS.


3. INT. LUCAN’S PLACE (DAY)

Unlike the grey, dull planet, the bar is brightly coloured and filled with the sounds of revelry. Lots of different ALIENS and HUMANS sit together, drinking, laughing, living, loving. There is a circular bar in the middle of the room, facing dimly lit booths in which others are drinking at tables. Several Androids glide back and forth, along with more organic WAITRESSES. As Grant enters, he passes ELIAS – a garish figure with bright green hair in a quiff, dressed in a sleeveless orange tunic with golden cricket-style shin pads. He spots Grant’s cloaked form and waves vigorously for attention. Grant clearly spots him, but does not wave back or otherwise acknowledge him. He stalks off, passing the bar where the Doctor and Peri are sitting on stools with some other aliens. Peri is looking dully at her glass, not so cheerful as the Doctor, who laughs uproarishly as the alien next to him tells an anecdote.

ALIEN
...then you should have seen its biological ancestor!

DOCTOR
And how did you get out of that?

ALIEN
I didn’t! It started screaming and I was nearly arrested!

The Doctor and the alien laugh and clink flasks of Voxnic before downing them. Meanwhile, Grant heads for an unoccupied booth. He places the bag underneath the table and leans back, now barely visible in the shadows. Elias lurches up to the table, holding two flasks. In the background, we the Doctor telling a story through laughter and conversation.

DOCTOR (VO)
Covered with fur they were, and they used to hop! Hop like kangaroos!

PERI (VO)
No they didn’t!

DOCTOR (VO)
Perpugilliam. Are YOU telling this story? I don’t think so, somehow!

ELIAS
Fancy a drink, stranger?

The cloaked figure speaks quietly but intensely.

GRANT
Sit down and shut up.

Blowing out his cheeks Elias stumbles around the table and slumps down heavily, almost on top of Grant, who is forced to shuffle aside to give Elias some room.

GRANT
Your stupidity is truly God-like, Elias.

Elias grins broadly at him and speaks far louder.

ELIAS
Aw, come on Grant, I’m just trying to be casual!

Elias grunts as Grant kicks him under the table.

GRANT
Elias, your concept of ‘casual’ is to dance naked into a spaceport. I told you I wanted this a quick, quiet exchange between average men on the street.

Elias laughs with woozy cunning.

ELIAS
Ah-hah, Grant, my boy, but we’re not ON the street!

GRANT
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge, but you simply gargled. As I have said eighteen times, the Tech-Cops could be plotting my movement patterns. Things are risky enough, so let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Elias nods and hands a flask to Grant, who opens it.

ELIAS
OK. Did you bring em?

GRANT
Unlike you, I have a short term memory. Of course I brought them!

He casually lifts the bag and places it on the table.

GRANT
Twenty of the finest leptonite power crystals. The finest the Federated worlds have to offer.

ELIAS
They’re illegal in nine out of ten galaxies.

GRANT
CHARTED galaxies.

ELIAS
Oh, a very useful distinction.

GRANT
You’re not cut out for contraband, are you? These are perfect to keep your little spaceships running for the foreseeable future - black market or not.

ELIAS
Guess so.

Elias reaches out to take the bag but Grant drags it and pulls it out of reach.

GRANT
Did you remember to bring what I require?

ELIAS
Of course I did, I’m not an idiot.

GRANT
Elias, when your IQ reaches double figures there will be a public holiday. Hand it over.

ELIAS
Ah, well, you see. I brought it.

GRANT
Yes?

ELIAS
I just don’t have it with me.

GRANT
I paid you 20 thousands intergalactic credits worth in small denominations of minor solar currencies. For that amount of perfectly legal and legitimate dollar-pounds, nargs, grotzis, trens, decimas, opeks and mazumas I expected you to bring it.

Elias delves into his tunic and takes out a palm-sized box and hands to Grant. Grant does not take it. Elias sighs and opens it to reveal a small, crystalline triangle.

ELIAS
I got what you asked for. Look – one transverse circuit fresh from Praxis 30 - and it isn’t easy to get your hands on their stuff nowadays.

GRANT
It can’t be that difficult if you managed it. Where’s the rest?

ELIAS
What do you mean?

GRANT
Don’t think I’m as brain dead as you are. The rest is rather large – not the kind of thing that anyone, you least of all, could smuggle easily into the bar.

Elias smacks his head and grins.

ELIAS
Oh, THAT! That’s stored in my flyer. Did you bring one?

GRANT
It’s parked in the next street. We can go and get it. Right now.

Elias looks longingly at the bottles.

ELIAS
Right now?

GRANT
Right now.

ELIAS
Sounds like a plan.

Elias sighs, stands, and shoves the bottles in the bag and is about to pick it up when Grant snatches it, glaring at him. He heads for the exit, passing the Doctor, who is telling his own story, giggling as he does so.

DOCTOR
And so, so I said to the Cyberleader, “A new respirator system! That’s a golden opportunity!”

The Doctor and quite a few of the other patrons burst into hearty laughter. Elias slips out.


4. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY - STREET CORNER (DAY)

Elias steps from Lucan’s Bar and hurries back down the alleyway in the direction Grant came from. As he moves off, we see the cloaked figure of Grant is standing in a doorway in the shadows. He leaves the shadows and follows Elias. We pull back to see a WOMAN, dressed in a black uniform, is standing by the corner, watching them go.


5. INT. LUCAN’S BAR (DAY)

As before. Peri finishes her glass and puts it down on the bar.

PERI
Hey, Doctor, you ready to go yet?

DOCTOR
Go? Go? GO? My dear Peri, we only just got here!

PERI
Doctor, we’ve been in this club since yesterday morning!

DOCTOR
Really?

The Doctor glances at his wrist... but there’s no watch. The other patrons laugh. He delves into his pocket and takes out his pocket watch and peers drunkenly at it.

DOCTOR
So we have. Lucan, another round for me and my friends, please!

The others cheer.

DOCTOR
What are you having again, Peri?

PERI
Fruit juice.

DOCTOR
Why?

PERI
Because you’ve practically drunk eveything in any way alcoholic.

DOCTOR
You’re exaggerating again, Peri.

PERI
Eight bottles of Eridian vodka, nine crates of adrenaline and soma cocktails, sixteen bottles of Draconian spiced wine, seven “zup kucks” slammers – and that’s just since Happy Hour started. Haven’t you had your fun yet?

The Doctor drapes an arm affectionately – and obviously heavily – around Peri’s shoulders.

DOCTOR
Fun, Peri? Fun? Peri? Fun? Fun? Peri? Peri? Peri fun fun Peri?

Peri gently removes his arm and it falls to the Doctor’s side so forcefully it nearly pulls him off his stool. The Doctor regains his balance with difficulty.

DOCTOR
Peri. I... am a wanderer, yes, a wanderer of the universe! I am a cosmic vagabond! Dare I even to describe myself as a débutante of the spaceways? And what sort of traveler would I be, if I didn’t meet up with my fellow travelers, and, and spin a few yarns? Over a few glasses?

PERI
A few hundred glasses.

The Doctor glares at her, for the first time losing his patience.

DOCTOR
I am toasting the departed, Peri.

PERI
You’ve nearly drunk this place dry!

DOCTOR
THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM TO TOAST! Isn’t there?

A cheer from the rest of the bar. The Doctor turns to the alien barman.

DOCTOR
Exactly as I thought! Now, something wet and non-alcoholic for my companion, please. And a last bottle of Tang, if you be so kind.

The barman shakes its head. The Doctor frowns and peers through the forest of flasks, bottles and glasses that surrounds him and his drinking buddies.

DOCTOR
There should be another bottle around here somewhere... unless I already....

One of the patrons raises a bottle and turns it over. Nothing drips out. The Doctor blinks.

DOCTOR
Oh. Sorry.

PERI
Look, Doctor, maybe we should take a break. Let the local wine merchants restock, huh? You could show more some more of the TARDIS, you love giving guided tours...

Peri pauses to accept a fizzy luminous green drink the barman hands her.

PERI
...and, you know, I think you’ve had enough to drink.

The Doctor looks at her as if trying to remember who she is. He takes a deep breath.

DOCTOR
Peri...

PERI
Yeah?

DOCTOR
Did I ever tell you about the Terrible Zodin?

PERI
Yes. Yes, you did.

DOCTOR
Brilliant story, isn’t it? Let’s hear it again, eh?

The others cheer. Peri sighs and sips her drink.


6. MODEL SHOT

A sub-standard, multi-story carpark that contains small two-man shuttles instead of cars.


7. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY – FLYER BAY (DAY)

The lift door opens and Elias and Grant (still cloaked) emerge and head for the nearest flyer, which is on its own. They cross to it.

GRANT
All right. I’m curious. Just how did you get your hands on this?

ELIAS
It was a salvage operation, out on the edge of Federation space. It came across this derelict research station off its orbit.

GRANT
It should have been under lock and key.

ELIAS
They thought it was just some kind of fancy Space Warp Driver, so they didn’t miss it when I took it. I thought it was a Driver as well, but then I actually researched it.

GRANT
You? Researched it? You, with delusions of mental adequacy?

ELIAS
Mock all you like.

Elias unlocks a side compartment on the flyer. He hauls out a large black metal trunk.

ELIAS
As far as I can make out, the finest brains of the old Empire worked on this. The key thing is that it will run off ANY basic drive system. Of course, it’s a prototype, so let the buyer beware, as they say. No idea if you can get it to work.

GRANT
I have access to a first class technical expert. If that’s still functional, it will work.

ELIAS
I don’t want to hear your life story...

GRANT
You wouldn’t understand it anyway. Open the trunk.

ELIAS
What?

GRANT
Open it. I want to see if it’s still operational.

Elias sighs and unlatches the lid. With a last look at the hooded form, he lifts the lid. Grant leans forward, pulling back his hood to reveal his face – young, arrogant and with dark brown curls. He looks in awe into the box.

ELIAS
What do you think? Is it a feat of technical engineering or what?

Inside the box is a large, transparent cylinder held in place between four metal plinths. It contains a mass of wires, cables and a shining black crystal. As Grant watches on, the contents of the cylinder seem to melt away to be replaced with stars, planets. Starscapes and nebula spin and dissolve into each other, magellenic clouds and comets.


8. INT. LUCAN’S BAR (DAY)

The barman is collecting glasses, and does so for most of the scene. The Doctor sways unsteadily on his seat as he drains an entire flask of Voxnic in one go. It takes a moment for him to remember how to talk afterwards.

DOCTOR
Right. RIGHT! So, so I said to that Rutan... Peri, what DID I say to the Rutan?

PERI
OK, Doctor. Let’s head back to the TARDIS, huh?

DOCTOR
Peri, this strange obsession to get back to the TARDIS...

PERI
I think you’ve had enough.

DOCTOR
You’re not exactly an expert on Time Lord metabolisms, are you? After all we’ve had to suffer through from Andro-gonazi to, to the last place we went, I thought a nice relaxed atmosphere of happy drinking and socializing would be just what you wanted!

PERI
Well, guess I’m just dull and boring.

DOCTOR
I wouldn’t say that. But at the moment... CHEER UP! Wait till you hear Zebrev’s joke, now that, that was a funny thing...

The Doctor starts scanning the crowd for the elusive joker.

PERI
Doctor?

DOCTOR
Hmmm?

PERI
Zebrev left last night.

DOCTOR
Did he?

PERI
Yep. His freighter’s left the planet by now.

DOCTOR
Good. Then I can have his drink. Lucan, if you please...

The barman growls and continues to collect glasses.

DOCTOR
I would like to propose a toast. A toast my oldest and latest of friends. And I toast him, because... I’ve already roasted him. And then I killed what was left! Champagne to our true friends and true pain to our sham friends!

The others cheer and raise their glasses.

PERI
Well, you know what they say, Doc.

The Doctor nods happily.

DOCTOR
No!

PERI
Better to have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

DOCTOR
That’s why I like you, Peri! Raise your glasses and salute the man who never was the Master!

Another cheer.

DOCTOR
To the new regime! FREEDOM!

ALIENS
FREEDOM!

DOCTOR
And to the ageless dream!

ALIENS
FREEDOM!

DOCTOR
You know, I think I’m going to fall off my stool...

ALIENS
FREEDOM!

DOCTOR
No, honestly, I really am.

ALIENS
FREEDOM!

DOCTOR
There I go...

He falls off the stool.

ALIENS
FREEDOM!

Peri sighs, rubs her eyes and turns to the others.

PERI
Is someone going to help me with him this time?


9. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY – FLYER BAY (DAY)

More stars and planets flow through the component as Grant stares into the box. He is awestruck.

GRANT
It’s... incredible.

ELIAS
That’s why it’s expensive.

Elias closes the trunk and locks with. We now see the word SLIPBACK is stenciled in white over the top of the lid.

ELIAS
Let’s get this to your flyer...

GRANT
No need. I’ll take it alone.

Grant shoves the bag towards Elias and snatches the trunk.

GRANT
I wish I could say it was a pleasure doing business with you, Elias, but I’d be lying.

He rises and moves out of the booth.

ELIAS
Wait! Don’t you want to head back to Lucan’s place, have that drink?

Grant does not reply but heads to the lift. Elias scowls, takes out one of the flasks and swigs from it.

ELIAS
Fine. See if I care.


10. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY - STREET CORNER (DAY)

The cloaked form of Grant heads down the alleyway, passing Lucan’s Place and heads further down it to the next main street. At the corner stands a the woman in a black uniform, who watches the cloaked figure disappear into the crowd and fog. The woman waits a moment, then follows. Meanwhile, Elias, clutching the duffel bag, enters the bar, having finished one flask of Voxnic and is sipping another.


11. INT. LUCAN’S BAR (DAY)

A Terileptil called DANSTOP is helping the Doctor to his feet.

DOCTOR
Much obliged, gentle kinsman.... much obliged...

Elias heads for the empty booth he and Grant shared.

DOCTOR (VO)
Honestly, drunk, I’m not as Lucan as I may appear...

More laughter. Elias giggles and looks to his left. A man in his late fifties with a bushy white moustache sits next to him, dressed in a black uniform identical to the woman following Grant. This is SEEDLE. Elias doubles takes, as Seedle was not there a second ago. He triple takes as he realizes another uniformed man has appeared in the booth sitting right next to him: barely out of his teens and with a perpetual scowl, is SNATCH.

SEEDLE
Celebrating are we, Mr. Elias? I wonder what has brought this on?

Elias stands up, intending to leg it when Snatch grabs him by the shoulder and forces him down to his seat. There, he jams a small, snub-nosed laser pistol in Elias’s gut. Elias’s terror has sobered him up and dried his mouth.

ELIAS
What’s going on? Who are you?

SEEDLE
I am Officer Tracer Seedle.

He takes out a wallet and flashes its contents at Elias – an exotic badge.

SEEDLE
My young armed associate with grumpy face is is Cadet Officer Jared Snatch.

ELIAS
You, you wouldn’t, er, happen to be Tech Police, at all? Perchance?

SEEDLE
Your powers of observation are commendable, Mr. Elias. And you have the distinct aura of a nefarious criminal with something to hide. Now, what could that be?

Seedle grabs the bag and opens it. He gasps in mock surprise.

SEEDLE
Nearly two dozen leptonite power crystals, by definition illegal contraband! How could they have got into your bag?


12. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR CITY - STREET CORNER (DAY)

Danstop and Peri are carrying-supporting the Doctor as they leave the bar.

PERI
It’s a good thing Lucan wanted you gone more than he wanted your money.

DOCTOR
Are you, you suhugeshting I couldn’t pay? Are you?

PERI
Yeah, I don’t think you could remember how to open your wallet at the moment.

DOCTOR
Pah! It was that chatty Vospodian waitress, she was talking so much, I didn’t notice... she was spiking my drink! Never trust Vospodians, Peri. The left head never knows what the right head is thinking... Or was that a different Voxnic bar?

DANSTOP
Probably was.

DOCTOR
Pah! It was a better one than “Lucan’s Place”! LUCAN! What sort of name is that, huh? I tell you, Peri, any drinkinaninge establishment that names itself out after famous Earth fugitives, well, I’ve been thrown out of MUCH BETTER PLACES THAN THAT!

DANSTOP
What famous fugitive?

The Doctor manages to twist his head to face Danstop.

DOCTOR
Lord LUCAN, of course! Oh, Danstop – that’s your name, isn’t it? – oh, Lord Lucan. I wish you could have met him. But then, the, the Terrible Zodin turned up... or was that someone else? Maybe... Thank you, Peri.

PERI
For what?

DOCTOR
For getting me out of that DEN! Yes, that DEN! Of iniquity, inadequacy and over-priced drinks! Like someone of my reputation should be seen frequenting places that cater for the crews of passing space freighters! Me! A Time Lord, mixing with the riff-raff!

Peri grimaces and smiles demurely at Danstop.

PERI
No offence.

DOCTOR
No, no of course not. Are you in, er, space freighters, old Danstrop?

DANSTOP
Danstop.

DOCTOR
Sorry.

DANSTOP
I’m a life support maintenance engineer.

DOCTOR
Oh? You’re probably on those tinclavic ore freighters from Raaga, I suppose?

DANSTOP
What do you mean? There’s nothing to mine on Raaga anymore...

DOCTOR
Yes, Peri! The very same tinclavic mines where poor, poor Terileptils are sent to mine for life! Often in the most appalling conditions while the rest of their people grow fat on the commission from those psychic layabouts on Harkol!

DANSTOP
What IS he talking about?

DOCTOR
Um, didn’t you blow up my sonic screwdriver?

PERI
No he didn’t, Doctor. It’s safe and sound.

DOCTOR
Oh. Sorry, Danstrop. Must have been someone else. Wait a minute!

The Doctor holds up his hand, stopping them from going any further.

DOCTOR
What in the name of Rassilon’s great and hairy beard are you doing? Wasting your life as a button-pusher on a freighter? Why do that?

DANSTOP
It pays pretty well.

DOCTOR
Does it? And does it give you plenty of time with the wife and children?

DANSTOP
Well, no. I don't have a wife or children.

DOCTOR
Exactly! You should be out there, being a poet! Yes, Peri, you can’t get higher accolades in Terileptillian society than being a poet.

DANSTOP
Unless you’re a circus clown.

DOCTOR
OH! Of course! Go on Danstrop! Get out there, belt out a few lines of iambic pentameter while you juggle some laserson probes! The roar of the engine grease, the smell of the punters...

DANSTOP
I can’t rhyme. Or juggle.

DOCTOR
You must have SOME talent!

DANSTOP
I do. As a life maintenance engineer.

DOCTOR
Oh. Guess you’re stuck then, huh?

DANSTOP
Guess so.

They are now near the TARDIS. Peri fumbles to get her key.

DOCTOR
That’s the thing about being lonely, isn’t it, Danstrop?

PERI
Danstop.

DOCTOR
Hmmm. You end up wanting to share the, the burden of loneliness. Just want to talk to someone about it out. To them. Yes. And then you lose your inhibitions and you waffle on about your life, showing no concern for the inflicted listener. Eh, Peri?

Peri is irritably trying to unlock the TARDIS.

PERI
Oh yeah. It’s like being stuck with the wierdoes on the subway.

DOCTOR
What do you mean! We’re friendly enough, aren’t we?

DANSTOP
Yeah... why are we trying to open that blue crate again?

The Doctor woozily taps his nose and cackles.

DOCTOR
Look to the mote in thyne own eye, say I! That is no blue crate! That is a Time And Relative Dimension In Space.... or was it Dimensions in Space? No, it was Dimensional Intergalactic Ship. Wasn't it? You know, that acronym has REALLY taken off back home...

Peri unlocks the doors and turns to the others.

PERI
Thanks a lot, Danstop. I can take it from here, thanks.

DANSTOP
You’ll want to kill yourself in the morning, Doctor.

DOCTOR
Hah! Which morning, eh? And I’ll have to get in the queue.

He sighs.

DOCTOR
Course, the queue’s one shorter.

DANSTOP
I meant the hangover.

DOCTOR
My dear Danstrop. There is one fool proof way to avoid hangovers.

DANSTOP
Oh?

DOCTOR
Don’t stop drinkling.

He delves into his pocket and produces three flasks (that shouldn’t be able to fit in his pockets). Peri rolls her eyes and grabs the Doctor and bustles him into the TARDIS.

DOCTOR
NEXT YEAR IN METABELIS!!!

DANSTOP
See ya, Peri.

Danstop heads back to Lucan’s Place. Peri follows the Doctor into the TARDIS. A moment later, the door opens and an empty flask is thrown out of the doors. It lands in the dumpster. Two more flasks are thrown at the dumpster, but don’t make it. The Doctor starts to emerge.

DOCTOR
No! Still thirsty...

Peri drags him back inside by the scruff of his neck and slams the door.


13. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)

Peri closes the doors. The Doctor is swaying uncertainly, trying to move around the control room by leaning against the wall and shuffling sideways.

DOCTOR
That was a MAGNIFICENT night, wasn’t it, Peri?

Peri angrily sets controls on the console.

PERI
Yeah. As long as the object was to drink yourself to death.

DOCTOR
Ah, but I’m not dead, Peri, am I?

He looks uncertain.

DOCTOR
Am I?

PERI
After what you drank, you’re probably embalmed!

DOCTOR
Nonsense!

PERI
You drank every last drop of booze you could find at that manor house...

DOCTOR
Had to. Otherwise the renowned Fford-Joneses could have got positively maudlin!

PERI
...and then you want to go to a Voxnic bar to “increase my education”.

DOCTOR
What’s wrong with that?

PERI
Sitting next to getting drunk isn’t educational!

The Doctor falls forward, grabbing the console to stop him collapsing.

DOCTOR
It should be. It should have shown you that most CIVILIZED planets do not begin trying to master the art of making fire BEFORE they discover the joy of fermenting overripe grapes on the vine. You see, that’s how evolution NORMALLY works. They want wine all year, so they invent barrels to store them in, then work out it’s the juice that’s important, and you can’t drink from a barrel can you? So, they invent glasses, and glass bottles, and cork and then corkscrews. Then of course, wine triggers the creation of custom and excise who THEN trigger the creation of intercontinental transport and so it goes on!

PERI
You’re talking garbage. Like you have been for the last twelve hours.

DOCTOR
Garbage? Haven’t you noticed that even on Earth, wonderfully creative civilizations always follow the discovery... of the JOY... of wine? Hmmm? Egypt, Greece, Rome...

PERI
They all crumbled though, didn’t they?

DOCTOR
And what happened? Wine became scarce, that’s what! Civilizations sank into the Dark Ages. And what caused the Renaissance – wine becoming plentiful again. All those surges of energy and creativity... Finally someone had the good sense to create the off-license in the twentieth century and human society has NEVER LOOKED BACK!

PERI
Then why is there an Alcoholics Anonymous?

DOCTOR
Oh, just because a FEW high anthropoids suffer depression, loss of memory, personality disintegration and renal failure, suddenly it’s a crime to get intoxicated now, is it? I tell you, Perpugilliam, when the history of the universe is finally written, it be seen that wine was the single greatest single factor in promoting both artistic and technological evolution.

PERI
Assuming everyone’s not too hungover to write it.

DOCTOR
Exactly. Right, Peri, your starter for ten in TARDIS driving and continuum navigation. I want the TARDIS to go... to Paris!

PERI
Paris France or Paris Texas?

The question seems a bit too big for the Doctor to understand. He blinks repeatedly.

DOCTOR
First one, then the other. I want it around, ooh, before prohibition started. No, wait, AFTER it started! Oh, that was a clever time! All those pubs, clubs, bars and boozeries desperate to peddle alcohol, but it was illegal... for a reason which now escapes me. Do you know what they did?

PERI
Invent cocktails.

DOCTOR
Exactly – Trojan Horse Troughs, full of hidden alcohol! The idea took off everywhere, even in England, where it was still legal! Ah! That is the education I’m talking about.

Peri angrily stabs some more controls.

PERI
Just how long are you going to keep cruising history for beer and wine?

The Doctor looks at her seriously.

DOCTOR
Until I forget all about betraying and murdering someone inside my own mind.

PERI
He deserved it.

DOCTOR
No one deserves it, Peri! No one. And I certainly did not earn to right to do that to him. He wasn’t always the worst villain in the universe, you know, Peri! I mean, it took time for him to fall. Even though he was scholarly and, and unimaginative, he looked after me, even though the rest of my “peers” would have nothing to do with me! And, honestly, he came from the best of breeding. Quite literally.

The Doctor looks like he’s on the verge of tears.

DOCTOR
He was my FRIEND, Peri! And I STABBED HIM IN THE BACK!

PERI
That was hundreds of years ago!

DOCTOR
As I seem to keep saying, it is beside the point! I wronged him, right to the end!

The Doctor sighs and runs his hands down his face. He sounds tired.

DOCTOR
Now, please, just take us to the best speakeasy that the TARDIS can find.

PERI
Might take a while.

The Doctor takes a hip flask from his inside jacket pocket and swigs from it.

DOCTOR
I’ll find some way to pass the time.

Peri slides the dematerialization control upwards.

DOCTOR
Thank you.

The time rotor begins to move.

PERI
Hopefully, we’ll end up some place nicer.

The Doctor relishes the taste of his drink.

DOCTOR
Napoleon’s brandy... There’s a whole orange in this, I’m utterly certain...


14. EXT. ZAURAK MINOR – STREET CORNER (DAY)

The TARDIS slowly dematerializes, and we can hear the Doctor shouting over the wheezing and groaning of the engines.

DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, Josephine, a THOUSAND KISSES TO YOUR TORTURED BROW!

The police box fades away entirely.


15. INT. POLICE CELL (NIGHT)

A small cell containing a short, hard bunk on which Elias sits. His face is bruised, his hair a mess and his clothes torn and grubby. He looks up fearfully as the door slides back and Seedle and Snatch enter, both holding guns. The door slides shut.

SEEDLE
Enjoying your stay here, Mr. Elias?

ELIAS
Please, I don’t deserve this! I’ve not done anything wrong!

SNATCH
Everyone’s done something wrong, Mr. Elias. We’ve just got to catch them for it.

SEEDLE
Now, as much as I’d love to discuss the philosophical implications of relative guilt, we’ve got your particular crime to sort out. As I may have mentioned earlier, we are the Tech Police and if we are after you, what do YOU think you’ve done wrong?

ELIAS
How should I know?

Snatch steps closer, aiming his blaster at Elias’ head. He gulps in fear.

SNATCH
Guess.

ELIAS
YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG MAN!

SNATCH
Shall I whack him, sir?

Seedle tuts and shakes his head.

SEEDLE
How many times do I have to explain it to you, Snatch? You’ll do so much more with a kind word and the THREAT of a smack round the head than just the ACTUAL smack round the head. I mean, honestly! What did they teach you in the Academy?!

Snatch shrugs.

SNATCH
To hit em where it hurts.

Seedle laughs and pats Snatch on the shoulder.

SEEDLE
And they say educational standards have gone downhill!

Elias whimpers and cover his face with his hands.


16. MODEL SHOT

We see a huge space craft hanging above Zaurak Minor – composed of three massive metal spheres, slightly flattened and in a blunt straight line. The grid of the hull is made of a pleasant green-coloured metal grid, with lots of lights through the countless portholes. The words VIPOD MOR are stenciled on each sphere.

BATES (VO)
All this preparation for a test...


17. INT. VIPOD MOR - CARGO BAY (NIGHT)

A warehouse-like space full of crates of various sizes, mainly metal, wooden and cardboard boxes. The walls have the same grid texture as the outside hull. Two women in uniform, BATES and WILSON, are checking the crates are strapped down. Wilson is checking clipboard with a circuit printed into the plastic.

BATES
...and they don’t even tell us what it is!

Wilson does not look up from checking the clipboard with a light pen.

WILSON
What do you expect? Really? We’re Ms. and Ms. Lowly Nobody for the third year running – like we are really going to know what’s going on around here.

BATES
Well, it must be important to strap down all the cargo.

WILSON
They don’t want to risk any of the artifacts.

BATES
Well, we’ve done our best. If they told us what the test was for, we could prepare better.

WILSON
Bates, when the phrase “prepare for the worst” is used in conversation, it is wise to do your absolute best whether they’ve told you what’s coming or not.

BATES
Guess so.

A pause as they head for the exit.

BATES
Can I have a go on the clipboard?

WILSON
Maybe later. On your birthday. If you’ve been good.

Bates shakes her head as they leave.


18. INT. VIPOD MOR – BRIDGE (NIGHT)

A large chamber made cramped by massive banks of computers, radar screens, keyboards and junction boxes. A large chunk of one wall is dominated by a bright blue screen that provides most of the light on the Bridge. Grant, now dressed in a neat blue uniform with his name printed on his right breast pocket, stands next to the weary STEWARD VELSPER – an older man than Grant, with a domed head, purple eyes and sharp teeth, who keeps his head low as if having no neck. A smaller, emaciated but similar creature in an baggy but grand red uniform sits behind them in a throne-like pilot’s seat. This is ORLOUS MOSTON-SLARN, whose flesh is green and very repulsive.

ORLOUS
We have spent a lot of money getting this fancy bauble of yours, Mr. Grant! If this doesn’t work, then it shall be coming out of your pay!

Grant rolls his eyes as he checks another control panel.

GRANT
Captain, if it DOES works then we will be so rich my pay will become loose change to line your life support tube. Computer!

The blue screen shows a slightly pixelated image of the Vipod Mor COMPUTER – whose avatar takes the form of a pretty blonde female head. Like a dizzy secretary from a bad 1950s romantic comedy, her hair is tied up and she wears a pair of oversized horn-rimmed glasses. She has a demented New York accent and grins too much.

COMPUTER
Why, hello there, Mr. Grant! How can I help?

Grant clearly finds her very irritating and forces himself to stay smiling.

GRANT
Please tell Captain Orlous the current status of the SlipBack Drive.

COMPUTER
Sure thing! The SlipBack Drive has been totally attached and fixed to our own photonic drive systems – and all relevant modifications to the Vipod Mor have been made. How about that?!

GRANT
ALL modifications are to be carried out. Not just what seems relevant.

The Computer looks upset.

COMPUTER
Oh, all right. Processing. All modifications now complete. To the best of our knowledge.

ORLOUS
To the best of your knowledge? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

VELSPER
Don’t excite yourself, Captain.

He pluffs up a pillow and places it behind Orlous’ head.

VELSPER
Remember what your physician said.

ORLOUS
Of course I do, Steward! But how can I keep stress levels down when no one will answer a straight question with a straight answer! Speak plainly!

GRANT
It means, Captain, that we cannot know if the Drive has been properly installed.

The Captain seethes quietly.

ORLOUS
You... what?

GRANT
UNTIL the Drive itself is activated.

ORLOUS
Then switch it on, you stupid helium-wasting carbonite! Switch it on now!

VELSPER
Don’t waste your temper on carbon-based life forms like HIM, sir. It’s important to—

ORLOUS
I SAID SWITCH IT ON, DAMN YOU!

Grant is still tapping out at the terminal in front of the screen.

GRANT
Computer?

COMPUTER
Yes, Mr. Grant?

GRANT
Prepare to activate SlipBack Flight 0-0-1 on my mark.

COMPUTER
You bet! I’m SO looking forward to this.

Grant mutters darkly under his breath.

ORLOUS
GET ON WITH IT!

GRANT
That’s what I’m doing, Captain, if you’d care to observe.

ORLOUS
You are malingering, Mr. Grant! That sort of apathy allows germs and disease to infect the body and defeat the immune system! Your laziness leads to bowel complaints, and often highly infectious ones! Are you trying to give me the Boils of Heydron?

GRANT
I am not trying to give you the Boils of Heydron, Captain.

ORLOUS
Then stop expelling bacteria in my presence, carbonite! Activate the Drive IMMEDIATELY!

GRANT
The soonest it can be done is in ten minutes.

ORLOUS
Then do so! I already feel the cold hand of Spandau Sickness coiling through my quartz!

VELSPER
Oh, no, sir, please don’t think such things!

GRANT
Computer...

The avatar appears on the screen, grinning.

COMPUTER
SlipBack Drive primed to activate in ten minutes, Mr. Grant!

GRANT
Are you trying to be helpful?

COMPUTER
Of course I am, Mr. Grant, I always try to be helpful. It's what I'm programmed to do!

Grant's irritation bubbles over.

GRANT
Well stop it in future, will you?

The Computer pouts. She sighs.

COMPUTER
If you say so, Mr. Grant. SlipBack Flight 0-0-1 to commence in nine minutes, forty-three seconds and counting.

GRANT
Entering final computations now.

Orlous lets his head fall back with a groan.

ORLOUS
My constitution cannot take much more mistreatment, Velsper. I feel a secondary infection inside my smooth, hairless, glazed flesh...

VELSPER
My Captain, you must try and fight it.

ORLOUS
It is... Bexel’s Syndrome!

VELSPER
Bexel's Syndrome?!

Orlous moans melodramatically.

ORLOUS
The very same!

VELSPER
But sir, Bexel’s Syndrome was eradicated from the galaxy by the Great Healer.

Orlous cracks open an eye and speaks in an irritated (and more healthier) tone.

ORLOUS
Well, he didn’t do a very good job, did he? Are we ready to jump yet, Mr. Grant!

GRANT
Another seven minutes, Captain.

ORLOUS
Seven minutes! Hah! My internal organs could liquefy in five!

Grant crosses the room to check another display panel, passing the others.

GRANT
That WOULD be something to regret, Captain. If only your metabolism could fight back a little longer you would see the infinite dividends your investment will make.

ORLOUS
I will believe that when I see it, Mr Grant!

VELSPER
But you may not live long enough to do so, Captain. Bexel’s Syndrome is...

ORLOUS
You think my broad-spectrum antibiotics are not up to the task, Steward?!

VELSPER
No sir. So, you will be alive in seven minutes time?

ORLOUS
Oh yes, Velsper. I cannot, however, guarantee that others shall still be alive as well.

He looks meaningfully at Grant. Grant lifts his head, as though feeling the Captain’s gaze on his back. Gritting his teeth, he continues to adjust controls.

GRANT
Five minutes thirty three seconds and counting.


19. MODEL SHOT

The massive shape of the Vipod Mor is starting to drift away from Zaurak Minor. As it slowly slides away, a small spherical craft becomes visible trailing it. It has a plexi-glass dome at the front and its conical body has three piston-like legs – so it moves like a squid with its tentacles trailing behind it.


20. INT. PURSUIT SHIP (NIGHT)

The flight deck is cramped and more than a little reminiscent of a B29 bomber. The flight-seats are rotated so they face the bubble-like roof which is now the front of the craft. Through it we can see space and the Vipod Mor. Seedle is in the pilot’s seat on the right-hand side, adjusting the steering column. Snatch on the left, checking a control panel that folds out of the wall beside him to rest above his lap.

SNATCH
So, we’re going to sneak onboard that ship?

Seedle nods.

SNATCH
All on our own?

Seedle nods.

SNATCH
To search for one man?

Seedle nods.

SNATCH
I don’t get it, sir.

SEEDLE
And please tell me in deep and clinical detail exactly what you don’t “get”, Snatch.

SNATCH
I mean, we don’t know how far this goes! That ship could be filled with dangers...

SEEDLE
For example?

SNATCH
Smugglers? Tech thieves? Some kind of illegal speelsnape trade? And it’s just the two of us on that ship, a ship so large it took five years to construct, which is five years more than it took them to construct the Museum of Peace space station! It’s huge!

SEEDLE
Snatch.

SNATCH
Sir?

SEEDLE
Are you actually THINKING about this?

SNATCH
Yes sir.

SEEDLE
It’s impressive. Keep it up.

SNATCH
What I mean, sir, is we might need to bust some heads, so...

SEEDLE
Why not take a whole squad up there instead of just us?

SNATCH
Exactly sir.

SEEDLE
Well, lad, since your cerebral cortex is still running hot, why don’t you work out a reason why?

Snatch scowls, slams the display roughly back into the wall and folds his arms, sulking.


21. MODEL SHOT

The pursuit ship heads off after the Vipod Mor. Further ahead, the TARDIS flickers into existence one or twice before materializing normally.


22. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT)

The time rotor slows to a halt. Peri is operating the controls, clearly finding it harder than she expected. The Doctor stumbles in through the internal door, clutching a deck chair. He totters into the room, struggling to set it up properly beneath the scanner. He sings a vaguely familiar song as he does so.

DOCTOR
Sooooooo
Show us the time that home exists in!

PERI
OK, 10... 3... zero... 9... or was it “nina”?

DOCTOR
I was tired and will want to go to bed!

PERI
Switch on multi-loop stabilizer [stab-il-lyza]...

The Doctor’s head snaps up, suddenly sober.

DOCTOR
Stabilizer! [stay-be-lyza]

PERI
Stabilizer [stay-be-liza], sorry!

He returns to the deck chair, voice slurring once more.

DOCTOR
Synchro...chronic feedback checking feedback circuit...

PERI
SYNCRHONIC feedback circuit, on!

DOCTOR
Good girl!
I had a little drink in about an hour’s time...

PERI
5-8-0, double 4, 6-8-4, 8-8-4.

DOCTOR
To celebrate the Master’s death...

He steps back from the deck chair. It collapses again. He shrugs and reaches into his pocket for his hip-flask.

DOCTOR
That’s the trouble with Gallifreyan drinking songs, the rhyme and reason are left. And the Shaboogans don’t have drinking songs at all. They just drink.

He giggles in amusement. Peri finishes up at the console.

PERI
Inner spiral arm... of the Milky Way.

He finishes the flask and throws it onto the collapsed deck chair. He turns and heads for the hatstand, swaying and stumbling as he goes. Peri looks up from the console and notices.

PERI
Are you sure you’re all right?

DOCTOR
Course I am, Peri!

He pulls out a flagon bottle from the bottom rack on the hatstand reserved for umbrellas.

DOCTOR
Just the rough seas, that’s all...

PERI
We’re not at sea.

The Doctor glares daggers at her left arm.

DOCTOR
We’re not at land, either, are we?

He cracks open the bottle, swigs it, and lurches over to the console.

DOCTOR
Have you, have you materialized yet?

He leans close to check the console and Peri coughs at the smell from the bottle in his hand.

PERI
Aw, Doc! What are you drinking?

The Doctor shrugs helplessly and staggers back.

DOCTOR
If I knew EVERYTHING that I was drinking... where would the fun be? Speaking of where things are, where are we, anyway?

PERI
I sort of had to land early.

DOCTOR
Early? In a TIME MACHINE?

PERI
Well, the coordinates are pretty much the same, so we haven’t gone far. Look, OK, normally I’d swallow my pride and ask for help...

DOCTOR
You? Never!

He laughs and swigs from the bottle again.

PERI
Yeah, well, I’d ask for a hand if I thought you could give it.

The Doctor swigs from the bottle and concentrates on standing upright.

DOCTOR
Is there some kind of subtext to this conversation, Perpugilliam?

Peri’s irritation starts to show.

PERI
Yeah. I may not know what I’m doing, but I’ve got a better idea that you!

The Doctor snorts.

DOCTOR
SOMEONE is confident, aren’t they? Well, all right then, my “dearest” of travelling companions, before you dematerialized, did you use the transit mode or the meta-stasis mode?

PERI
Um... Transit?

The Doctor gives her a pained look.

DOCTOR
Blue one or the red?

PERI
Blue.

The Doctor smacks himself in the forehead with the bottle.

DOCTOR
You forgot the galah!

PERI
Galah?

DOCTOR
No, not the galah, Peri! The crowbar. No. The... bar.

PERI
What bar?

DOCTOR
You know what bar... Bar. Bar? Bar... Yes! The input bar.

PERI
The input bar?

DOCTOR
Yes. You typed in the coordinates, but you didn’t use the input bar to make contact between the interconnecting circuits. Stops accidental activation, you know. Safety thing.

PERI
You never mentioned an input bar!

DOCTOR
I didn’t. Because... I deactivated it ages ago. Needed emergency departures, that sort of thing.

He swigs from the bottle for a long moment. His voice is hoarse.

DOCTOR
No time to... to... to dilly-dally.

PERI
Then why is it back on?

DOCTOR
The Master, of course. He, uh, reconnected it while he had temporary possession of the old girl. Clever chap, the Master. I miss him. To the Master!

Sadly, he raises the bottle he drains it dry. Peri sighs and shakes her head.


23. INT. PURSUIT SHIP (NIGHT)

The side of the hull is visible through the forward bubble. Seedle checks a display.

SEEDLE
She’s barely running at quarter speed.

SNATCH
Must be something up with the warper engines.

SEEDLE
Or is that what we’re supposed to think?

SNATCH
Oh, come on, sir, let’s get some proper reinforcements...

SEEDLE
I doubt we’d get them, lad.

SNATCH
Why?

SEEDLE
All right. As it’s clear you won’t work it out for yourself and we have a minute before infiltration dock, I might as well explain. I’ll put it simple too, just for you, Snatch. We have been partnered together for a few short months, haven’t we. Now, in that time, how many formal complaints we had posted against us?

SNATCH
Twenty nine, sir. Well, if you don’t count that accidental disintegration.

SEEDLE
Exactly. Thirty formal complaints. And those those are just the complaints from the normal man, the people we are sworn to protect. Now, lad, just how many complaints have been posted against us by our OWN man? From the others in the Zaurak Minor Tech Police?

Snatch is clearly not bothered by this.

SNATCH
Fifty-seven.

SEEDLE
Correct, Snatch, fifty-seven. It has no doubt escaped your attention, lad but we not the most liked members of the force. In fact, I would go so far as to say we were the most unpopular. As you should remember, we have been accused of, amongst other things, unnecessary violence, taking bribes, racism not limited to quartz-based life forms, rooting out non-existent corruption and generally not playing by the rules.

A beat.

SNATCH
What are you trying to say, sir?

SEEDLE
I am saying, Cadet Officer, that if we never came back from our little jaunt our illustrious colleagues would not shed a single tear for us.

SNATCH
But we get jobs done, sir!

SEEDLE
That we do, Snatch. That we do. And we do it with stealth, subtlety and panache. Right, I’ll bring us in on that part of the bulkhead there, and you can open fire with the neutrino laser and we can blast our way inside and start the investigation proper.

SNATCH
Right you are, sir.

He unfolds the controls again.

SEEDLE
Can we use lethal force where and as necessary?

SEEDLE
Why not, lad? Why ever not?

Snatch grins like a malevolent child with a working chainsaw.


24. MODEL SHOT

The tiny craft fires pink laser beams at the green hull that dwarfs it.


25. INT. VIPOD MOR – BRIDGE (NIGHT)

The Computer avatar's face appear on the screen.

COMPUTER
I don't wish to alarm anyone, but I'm afraid that --

GRANT
Is there something wrong with the Drive?

COMPUTER
Well, no, it's just that sensors -

ORLOUS
It can wait, Computer! Where are the pilot and co-pilot?

VELSPER
Probably in each other's company, Captain.

ORLOUS
And where is that?! Well? Do you have the answer, Mr. Grant?!

GRANT
I don't know, sir.

ORLOUS
Well, do something useful and find out!

Grant sighs and heads for the exit. The PILOT, another Terileptil smoking a cigar, enters heads for the console while a woman called LYNELLA takes the seat behind the captain. They have a distinct lack of interest in the others. Grant is furious.

GRANT
You two took your time.

PILOT
Sorry, we’re late.

LYNELLA
Very sorry. Very late.

GRANT
You’re sixteen minutes late!

The Pilot turns to look at him, sounding very mellow.

PILOT
Yeah, but we’re here now and now is all we have.

GRANT
Not necessarily. Not if the SlipBack Drive works.

LYNELLA
If...

PILOT
Yeah, well, if you’re all ready, Captain? Mr. Grant? Steward? Good, then we can start the test flight the Computer’s been droning on about.

Grant takes his seat at the controls, thus becoming visible to Orlous once more.

ORLOUS
Well, Mr. Grant, I have fought off an agonizing demise for ten minutes and what do you have to show for it? Hmm? Nothing! The Vipod Mor has not moved a parsec!

GRANT
I’ve been re-checking the calculations. The SlipBack Drive needs to gather more energy from the power core before we can activate it. I would prefer a bit more time...

ORLOUS
You may have time as a luxury, but I do not! Any minute, the Curse of Hogus may manifest and choke the life out of my enfeebled frame and you HESITATE! I want this trinket of yours powered up immediately! I want it activated with MAXIMUM power!

VELSPER
I think it would be in all our best interests if you did just that, Mr. Grant.

GRANT
All right. Pilot, begin tests.

At their own consoles, the pilot and co-pilot adjust settings.

PILOT
Right you are, Shellingborne. OK, Lynella, check main gyros.

LYNELLA
Clear.

PILOT
Check space warp drives?

LYNELLA
Check.

Grant, who is listening, frowns.

GRANT
One AND two?

PILOT
Oh. Whoops. Yeah, they're checked.

He hastily touches a control. Grant lets out a frustrated sigh.

PILOT
Prime the supra-luminal compressor booster.

LYNELLA
Checked.

ORLOUS
Hurry! HURRY! I grow so impatient I feel spores growing in my spinal fluid!

Lynella grimaces.

LYNELLA
You’ll put us off if you keep sharing that info, Captain.

PILOT
No, he’s put me right off. I need some fresh air now.

The Pilot takes a long drag on his cigar and saunters off.

ORLOUS
I am the Captain of this ship and I demand you respect my authority!

The Pilot can be heard sniggering.

VELSPER
Look at the bright side Captain. His smoking would not help your current condition, would it? Think of it as a blessing in disguise.

Orlous moans and lets his head fall back.


26. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT)

A slight beeping starts to occur on the console. Peri looks around the console helplessly.

PERI
Doctor… Doctor, what’s that beeping mean?

The Doctor puts away the drinking flask and gets up suddenly. He staggers over to one of the roundels of the TARDIS walls and opens it, revealing a collection of beer bottles. He grabs one of them and twists it open effortlessly.

DOCTOR
Happy hour!

Peri has finally had enough. She slams her hand on the console.

PERI
DOCTOR! I understand what you’re feeling, but I cannot pilot this machine like you! I don’t know what any of this means.

The Doctor stumbles over to the console, drinking from the bottle.

DOCTOR
You stupid, stupid girl! A TARDIS is a finely tuned instrument… it must be treated well and respected. It can’t be operated by some primitive human… it needs…

He pushes her away from the console.

DOCTOR
...finesse! A skilled hand and a first class mind is what is needed to operate the TARDIS! Now, when I sort this out, we can…

As the Doctor flicks the console switches, the TARDIS starts to shake violently. In his drunken state, the Doctor has hit the wrong buttons.


27. INT. VIPOD MOR – BRIDGE (NIGHT)

Grant tenses himself as he finishes the last of the calculations. Orlous and the Steward look on.

GRANT
That’s the last of the calculations. The Slipback drive has gathered together enough energy from the ship’s power core. We can activate the drive at any moment you wish, Captain. But I must insist…

ORLOUS
Activate it now! Maximum Power!

GRANT
Computer… activate Slipback drive.

COMPUTER
Slipback drive activating.

Grant grabs the side of the consoles and closes his eyes. The pilot and co-pilot go “Yeeeeeeee-haaa!”


28. MODEL SHOT

In deep space, we see the Vipod Mor start to glow with purple energy. As the police ship gets closer to the Vipod Mor, it too starts to glow with purple energy. Then, in the middle of the screen, the TARDIS starts to fade in an out, something obviously wrong.


29. INT. VIPOD MOR – BRIDGE (NIGHT)

Bolts of energy shoot about the bridge, knocking Grant to the floor.

PILOT
What’s going on?

GRANT
Energy surge! I was worried about this!


30. INT. PURSUIT SHIP (NIGHT)

Seedle and Snatch hold tightly onto their chairs.

SNATCH
What is it?

SEEDLE
I don’t know! Some kind of power surge from the ship maybe.


31. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT)

As the TARDIS shakes, the Doctor studies the control intently, his drunkenness either shattered or temporarily subdued.

DOCTOR
Incredible! There’s a surge in the Time Space Vortex… something’s trying to break their way into the vortex!


32. MODEL SHOT

Time and Space shatter like glass. Multi-colored beams of energy shoot around the Vipod Mor. The Vipod Mor starts to swell, contract, stretch and bend like rubber. A shining hole in space starts to open around the Vipod Mor and engulfs it whole. Time and Space then reforms, leaving only empty space. Sudden shocking silence.

32. MONTAGE

The bridge is silent. The bodies of the crew are sprawled everywhere. The computer screen shows static. The corridors are dark and empty. Other corridors. A few sprawled bodies of the crew. Seedle and Snatch, lying comatose in the dark. Silence.


33. INT. VIPOD MOR – CARGO BAY (NIGHT)

The TARDIS slowly, painfully re-materialises in a dark, deserted hold.

(END OF EPISODE ONE)
(RUN END CREDITS)

Enemy Outtakes/Music Clip

OUTTAKES

Episode two: scene fifteen. The Doctor is explaining things to the family in the drawing room.

MAURICE
So what is this thing you say attacked you outside?

PERI
Well, it’s uh... Over to you, Doctor.

The Doctor leans against the mantelpiece.

DOCTOR
I believe that it is a plasmaton.

He accidentally knocks a clock off the mantel and it falls to the ground. He blinks and looks at it. The others laugh.

MAURICE
Do you?

DOCTOR
Oh yes. I do believe that.

----

Episode four: scene three. Peri holds off the family with a knife.

PERI
No one tells me what to do, Colonel. Now I have a very sharp knife – maybe the one that did in that poor fox. You guys are unarmed, because, in case you’re out of bullets, you were too busy being possessed by the devil to notice. Now – hang on, that’s wrong isn’t it? Sorry! Sorry... got that the wrong way round. Sorry.

----

Episode one: scene thirty. Maurice sees the ghost.

THEODORE
There, you see.

MAURICE
It WAS a bit blurry, I admit, but it was right here!

THEODORE
Just shadows. The curtains. Look.

Theo tugs at the curtains, pulling them down off the rail. Theo and Maurice exchange bleak looks.

THEODORE
Oops.

Stage hands move in to replace the curtains.

MAURICE
Ah, it’s just poltergeist activity.

----

Episode two: scene nine. The Doctor, Peri and Tracey are chased inside the house.

PERI
It’s right behind us!

They turn and run up the steps towards the house.

TRACEY
The door’s locked! Whoa!

The others barrel into each other and the manifestly unlocked door swings open and the trio fall through. Peri sits up.

PERI
That was lucky, wasn’t it?

GRAHAM HARPER (VO)
OK, cut.

----

Episode three: scene twelve. The Master torments Emily.

MASTER
I have turned back death. I have seen beyond the mortal coil.

EMILY
What did you see?

A long pause.

MASTER
I forget.

----

Episode one, scene twenty three. In the saloon, Daniel and the Doctor talk.

Daniel, his expression blank, begins to open his mouth and carefully forms words. Not carefully enough. The words are out of synch.

THE MASTER (VO)
I am... the one God... the Father of the Almighty Maker... of Heaven and Earth...

Daniel shakes his head and laughs. The voice can still be heard.

THE MASTER (VO)
... of all that is seen... and –

It ends with an “off the record” type noise. The Doctor shrugs.

----

Episode four: scene three, take two. Peri holds off the family with a knife.

PASCOE
Satan! I'll kill you first! Satan, take her!

He charges Peri, who steps aside. Pascoe crashes into the banister, and his front half falls over it. He goes no further.

PERI
And that’s...

She notices Pascoe hasn’t flipped over. She giggles and shoves him. He doesn’t move.

PERI
He’s stuck!

PASCOE (VO)
Sorry!

----

Episode three, scene four: Peri’s dream.

DOCTOR
What's your name?

THE VOICE
Ras... sil... on.

DOCTOR
“Rassilon”? Don't be ridiculous!

The green light bulb blows. A long pause.

DOCTOR (VO)
Hello darkness, my old friend...

----

Episode two: scene nine, take two. The Doctor, Peri and Tracey are chased inside the house.

PERI
It’s right behind us!

They turn and run up the steps towards the house.

TRACEY
The door’s locked!

The Doctor starts searching through his pockets.

TRACEY
Pascoe! PASCOE! LET US IN!

She bangs on the door. The Doctor still searches his pockets.

DOCTOR
Sorry, I forget the bloody prop.

Peri laughs.

PERI
Yeah, sure, take your time. It’s not urgent.

TRACEY
Yeah, no pressure.

DOCTOR
Oh hah, hah.

----

Episode four: scene forty-five. The Doctor and the Master in the Beyond.

DOCTOR
One last kiss. You know you’ve always wanted to.

MASTER
My dear Doctor. Are you trying to seduce me?

DOCTOR
Yes! It must be all the black leather!

The Master breaks up laughing. The Doctor looks to camera, sadly.

DOCTOR
I was only looking for love.

----

Episode two, scene four: the monster moves out of the swamp.

The creature is moving down the path through the trees. It is totally silent as it moves over shrugs and past thickets. It is heading in a straight direction, not slowing for anything. It comes across the low branch that blocks its way... and smacks into it, falling on its back and staring up at the sky.

STAGEHAND (vo)
Aw, shit!

----

Episode three: scene twelve, take two. The Master torments Emily.

MASTER
I have seen beyond the mortal coil.

EMILY
What did you see?

Beat.

MASTER
A world... without shrimp.

Emily giggles.

EMILY
Is that all?

MASTER
Isn’t that enough?!

----

Episode one, scene twelve: the Doctor and Peri find the fox.

PERI
God, what is that smell?

DOCTOR
Smell? Oh that? It’s...

He slips and falls over.

DOCTOR
Well, whatever it is I’m lying in it...

Peri laughs and helps him up.

----

Episode two: scene twenty-five. The family see Theo out a window.

EMILY
Theo is out there.

MAURICE
Your point being? The last time someone went outside they, they, they, they, they, they, they did something very bad! Very bad! So let us say no more!

PERI
Until we learn our lines.

MAURICE
Yes, definitely!

He sobs and holds his face in his hands. Emily pats his shoulder.

----

Episode four: scene three, take three. Peri holds off the family with a knife.

Pascoe charges Peri, who steps aside. Pascoe crashes into the banister, which collapses under his weight and he falls to the ground. Peri laughs.

PERI
And that’s... that’s one nil to the girl from Baltimore...

The others keep laughing. Peri joins in.

---

Episode three: scene five. The Master attacks Maurice.

MASTER
You are only useful for the nourishment you provide, shrimp.

MAURICE
Keep away from me! I'M NOT A SHRIMP!

MASTER
I am my own Master. And my hunger for shrimp needs to be sated.

MAURICE
NO! Get away!

The Master looms over him. Tears are streaming down Maurice’s face.

MAURICE
Please! PLEASE! I'M NO SHRIMP! NOOOOOOO0000000!

----

Episode four, scene sixteen: the Doctor and Peri are trapped.

The Doctor reaches the door and pulls out his sonic screwdriver. It’s bent in half. The Doctor bites his lips and mouths “sorry” to camera.

----

Episode two, scene thrity-seven: the Ghosts discuss what they saw.

SECOND GHOST
It’s a primitive planet, you said so yourself.

FIRST GHOST
Those people have invaded it. They aren’t primitive.

SECOND GHOST
Compared to us, they are.

FIRST GHOST
We should have stopped them!

SECOND GHOST
How?

A beat.

SECOND GHOST
Well?

FIRST GHOST
You’ve got another line.

SECOND GHOST
I was afraid you’d say that.

They laugh.

FIRST GHOST
Shrimp.

-------------------

Attack Artwork!

Illustrations for the first episode...

Designs for the Cyber Controller...

Sketches of Cryons...

The draft cover for the season finale, THE END OF THE ROAD...

Twin Dilemma Narration/Music Clip

In 1989, a series of unfortunate incidents lead to the master tapes of The Twin Dilemma episodes three and four being destroyed. For six months it appeared that the story would be the first of the colour era to be "incomplete", and a special narration was recorded. Luckily, fans had off-air recordings and now, in 2007, the story has been recovered - though the narration still exists...


(Colin Baker is wandering around the MOMI Doctor Who display, rightly acting like he owns the place.)

Of course, I had never expected to see a Tractator again, although there are few places I can think of where they wouldn't have been one. You see, the Tractators, or Sectoms as the Jocondans call them, were one of the oldest races in the universe. They spread out before even the Time Lords were young, seeding every planet they could reach with their eggs. The Time Lords put a stop to it and most of the Tractators were rendered mindless, harmless burrowing drones. One in a million Tractators achieved the level of their ancestors, and were named Gravis.

Mestor was such a creature, but the high level of ionization in Joconda's atmosphere had effected the vegetation and thus the Tractators when they went on that feeding frenzy so long ago. When that last surviving egg hatched, Mestor was the most powerful Tractator in existence - and his powers increased the more vegetation he ate and by the time I reached Joconda he was a demigod. Well, he liked to think of himself as a god, but I always know his sort are overcompensating.

Determined to bring me under his will, Mestor threw his mighty telepathic powers at me. However, my claims of mental barriers were no bluff and I easily held him back. Well, at first. It became more and more difficult as my body was painfully reminded of its recent metabolic change, and I wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders at the time anyway. Nevertheless I managed to hold Mestor back, which was when he pulled his master stroke.

He called in Peri and threatened to kill her. Naturally, I was distracted and that was all Mestor need. He burned into my mind like hot coals inside my skull, forcing me to my knees. Peri realized what was happening and moved to attack Mestor. Caught between controlling Joconda, breaking into my brain and coordinating the attack on the Earth ships, Mestor made his move. Releasing me, he lashed out and felled Peri with a thought.

I wasn't feeling much better. A nugget of pure Mestor had wormed its way inside my mind. I threw it from thought to thought, trying not to absorb it or even understand it, but its mere presence caused my very soul to warp and buckle around it.

Mestor ordered me to be taken to Azmael. Not only would he know basic first aid for a Time Lord, my presence as a possible rival and replacement would another move in the complicated battle of nerves he and Mestor were engaged in. And so, half dead and on the verge of regenerating for the second time in as many days, I was unceremoniously dragged from the throne room and poor Peri was hauled after us as well. As for Hugo? Well, let's just say that old Mestor had plans for him...

Meanwhile, poor Archie Sylvest, General Fabian and the Minister were not having much better luck. Their attempt to flee Joconda had been hampered when the gravitational constant of the universe seemed to shift - at least that's what they thought. Mestor was using his powers of gravity attraction to yank the ship back towards him. Finally the ship's engines failed and the traction beam was the only thing that prevented the ship from being smashed to pieces on the ground. However, no sooner had Sylvest and the others staggered free from the battered hulk then they met the welcoming party of zombie Jocondans.

Azmael, meanwhile, was not pleased to see me. And I was not pleased to see him, at least after I'd regained the powers of sight, speech and thought. For Azmael was my childhood hero. A man of passion, belief, recklessness and panache. Bit like me in that regard. Azmael decided one day that he'd had enough of Gallifrey and fled the planet to explore the universe. The High Council, terrified of what might happen if Azmael was captured and unwittingly revealed the secrets of the Time Lords, decided to take action. Remember the story of Verne the Beautiful? Well, that bungled vote meant the Time Lords sent a squad of Raston Warrior Robots to the planet Vitrol Minor, whose loving inhabitants sacrificed themselves fighting the robots to allow Azmael to escape.

And escape Azmael did. He returned to Gallifrey armed with a machine gun and took direct vengeance on the High Council. However, it was always said that Azmael died in the attempt, and his murder lead to many Time Lords fleeing Gallifrey and many more trying but failing to do so. Instead, Azmael killed the High Council (including poor Verne) and the newly appointed High Council worshipped him as a hero. They let him leave Gallifrey and promptly denied the whole incident never happened in the belief it would calm things down. They were wrong.

To be confronted with a long lost childhood hero acting in a distinctly unheroic manner is never easy, and when you're have a giant caterpillar rummaging through your thoughts it became near unbearable. And to be honest, I was probably unbearable as well. I was up and down like a manic barometer, snapping and cooing totally randomly. And those mood swings were just the start of something terrible...

When Azmael and the twins explained the plan to me, I decided to help them. I knew that while this operation could only have benefits for Joconda, it would give Mestor access to temporal technology - weaponry that the Time Lords only possessed and only they were mature enough not to use it. But for some reason, I was happy. After nine hundred years I've encountered many plans to conquer the universe, often using some massive death ray or virus or burrowing the core of a planet out and turning it into a spaceship. At last, I thought, a plan WORTH defeating, WORTH spending my time working against. It made a lot of sense at the time and I immediately set to work helping Azmael.

Peri thought I was going mad and at the time you could hardly blame her. But great things were afoot.

At that moment, the captured humans from Earth were being lead by the palace by a mob of possessed Jocondans. Once inside however, they were surprised by Hugo Lang leaping into view to rescue the Minister and General Fabian. Archie Sylvest, however, was unlucky - his portly waistline may have been the hieght of fashion but it did not give him an edge in escape attempts and he remained in custody. The other three fled into the palace, somehow managing to avoid the searching guards and Mestor's omnipotent gaze.

Things were proceeding so well I, in a moment of foolish bravado, demanded to be allowed a bottle of Voxnic to celebrate. However, at that point I seemed to have found a broken security circuit and promptly fixed it, which showed Hugo leading his two comrades to a special communications centre and opening a chanel through to Earth and lovely Elena. The Minister wasted no time in bandying words and immediately painted the threat on Joconda with all the severity it deserved. And I, being extremely volotile at the time, wrecked the circuit. There was a mild power failure and contact with Earth was lost.

Peri accused me of being possessed by Mestor and while she didn't believe me when I said I wasn't, that act proved it. It occured to me that Hugo's miraculous escape and even more miraculous rescue to find the perfect way to warn Earth was ludicrous. The only explanation was that Mestor was helping them. Which begged the question - why? Mestor may have been insane, but he wasn't insane and certainly not self-destructive. Why would he want to arrange his own death? The obvious answer was that he wasn't. Somehow, Mestor's plan hinged on Joconda being destroyed.

I wasn't allowed to continue my theory. Sylvest arrived and Noma at gunpoint forced him to reveal the Twins' true identity. I've always said the biggest lie of the cybernetic age was the idea that any computer, no matter how advanced, could ever be more powerful than a living brain. And the Twins proved me right. The Twins were not human, but incredibly sophisticated androids containing specially-grown human brains. With this electronic nervous system, the untapped eighty-seven per cent of the human brain was at last being used. Sylvest had come up with the idea and was financed by all sorts - android builders, military hardware, computer programmers... In order to keep the Twins with a healthy psychospoor, a false life with Sylvest as the father was created, but the Twins were developing fast enough to see the cracks.

Noma hadn't got Sylvest to reveal the information out of sheer sadism. Well, not JUST sheer sadism. With that information revealed, the Twins automatically shut down their 'personalities' and became lifeless waxworks. The brains, the most complicated CPUs known to man, were taken by Azmael to the main computer complex to program the generators of the time shift. At that moment, Fabian, the Minister and Hugo arrived. Hugo was possessed by Mestor and with his plan coming apart at the seams, wasn't prepared for when Peri and myself fled the laboratory and into the pitch dark tunnels.

Finally we arrived in the communications centre as power was restored - and we could see the first of the space fleets arriving. Not only was Joconda in grave danger, it looked like Mestor was about to succeed in his insane doomsday plan. It's not a situation I'd enjoy in the best of times and this was about as far from the best of times as it is possible to be. The pressure, fear, panic and damage Mestor inflicted on me all overwhelmed me. Paranoia gripped me and without even realizing what I was doing I began to choke the life out of Peri, my best friend...


It had been a hard few days for Peri and this was the straw that broke the dromedary's back. She lashed out and managed to fight me off and that is no mean feet. She then found a mirror and tried to use it as a weapon and it worked, but not in the way she intended. Seeing my reflection, a reflection of an unthinking, savage animal... it stopped me far faster than any form of unarmed combat. The shock stunned me for the briefest of moments, and also the chunk of Mestor sitting in my cerebellum, and in that moment of vulnerability, I purged him from my mind. The trouble was the effort caused me to collapse.

When I finally awoke, I discovered how serious things had become.

The war fleet was almost upon Joconda, armed and ready for trouble. The slightest resistance, the slightest interpreted hostility and Joconda would be reduced to rubble. Mestor had siezed control of every Jocondan on the planet. Already Hugo, Fabian and the Minister were starting to succumb to the mental attack and Azmael found himself restrained by Drak and Noma, unable to activate the time shift. At least, not yet.

I realized what the answer was.

Mestor planned to offend the war fleet and trigger deadly retribution. However, before the salvos could strike the planet, he would activate the time shift. The unstoppable force meets the immovable object and Joconda itself would revert to protomatter. The planet and everything on it would become a single, basic substance which Mestor could download his consciousness into it. After that, well, the sky was the limit. With the increased mass and range, Mestor could assume any form, perform any feat. He might destroy the war fleet with a thought or simply possess every single individual in it.

An interesting and intriguing way to conquer the universe, and I'd lost my enthusiasm for that particular novelty.

As the moment approached, the Minister, now totally consumed by Mestor, strode to the communicator to order the fleet to open fire. Peri, using her initiative, screamed at the top of her voice. I've heard a lot of things, but my new ears were bleeding at that moment, I can tell you. In the distraction, I dived across the room, wrestled with the Minister and shouted the war generals, "Don't trust him! He said this outfit was the hieght of fashion!"

Yes... well, it worked, anyway. The war generals were not sure the situation on Joconda was as dire as it seemed. Desperately, Mestor flung his mind at mine in order to possess me and get me to retract my statement and agree with the Minister. Like before, I felt his mind smash into my defences. But that now, this is then. I held off the might of Merciless Mestor the Magnanimus Magnificent Municipality just long enough for Azmael to dive into his ancient TARDIS and shut it down, wrecking the calibrator before any of the Jocondans could stop him.

Now, with the TARDIS out of action, even if the war fleet DID decide to open fire, the plan wouldn't work. Jaconda would be reduced to a cinder hanging in space but so would Mestor. The war fleet prepared to land and invade Joconda, or perhaps liberate would be a better term? With the plan ruined, Sylvest bravely disconnected the Twins' brains from the time shifter. Now the plan could never succeed, Mestor was finished!

And there was no one more surprised than I when he conceded defeat.

I knew at once that Mestor was up to something, but then so did Hugo - it was obvious. Mestor's influence was slowly but surely retreating from Jaconda. The zombies outside collapsed as they were returned to their starved bodies. Noma screamed as Mestor abandoned him and the Chamberlain, did I mention her? She decided her best bet was to flee and I couldn't honestly blame her. Once the natives recovered from the psychic shock, Mestor's regime would be the first up against the wall. I suggested that Azmael stay to keep order, while I went to confront Mestor armed with some dury-rigged Mosten's acid I had fermented during one of my lucid periods. Peri was worried my mind would cloud at any moment and it's true it was still difficult to focus, but every moment wasted allowed Mestor to regather his strength and work on plan B.

I hurried at top speed to the ruins of the throne room, passing countless dazed and confused Jocondans. I knew how they felt. Already mobs were gathering around the palace. The hydroponics dome had been broken into and relief from the famine was starting, slowly but surely. Mestor was powerful, but I doubted he'd find it easy to retake Joconda, especially with the fleet about to land. To conquer all these new minds and reconquer Joconda? No, I was certain Mestor couldn't manage that. However, with all his energies gathered in one place he could, however, crush me with gravity or literally blow my mind.

In such situations, it's never wrong to feel fear. As long as you don't let it dominate you. If I'd let that happen, I would never have left Gallifrey whether I'd known the truth about Azmael or not. And, after all, I'd had a life time of being pushed about and this time was going to be different.

It was a long time ago, but I think I might actually have started to believe it when I reached the throne room.

Mestor's calm was ruffled, but he was still using that ludicrously oversized brain to good use. His operation on Joconda simply couldn't succeed. But he believed he could start from scratch elsewhere. I laughed at him - the Gravis could barely move and his actions had presented his scheme to the galaxy at large. He would never hoodwink them after this. But Mestor was certain he could. He wanted me to take him into the future with the TARDIS and then recreate these conditions. I refused, of course. How was I supposed to get the Tractator to the TARDIS past the angry mob out for his blood? I told Mestor it was time to face the consequences, and it became his turn to laugh at me.

Then, having deliberately clouded my thoughts, I hurled the vial of acid at the Tractator. He threw it back with his gravity tricks. Oh well, my biorhythms have improved considerably since then, I'm glad to say.

Mestor began to rant that in penance for my crime I would cease to exist. And when the Minister entered, the only other person still under Mestor's control, I began to realize that while I would cease to exist, my body would be left for Mestor to escape into. Not a fate I would relish at the best of times and to be possessed by a giant woodlouse with ideas about its station would just be too much.

Every other time Mestor had attacked me, he had been multitasking and controlling all of Joconda at the same time. This time, however, every last erg of his mind power was against mine. I put up the best fight I could. But I never stood a chance.

Still, I held him back long enough for Azmael to run in, snatch up the last vial and hurl it at Mestor's body. Before Mestor could react, his body was dehydrated until it was dust. I was too busy drowning in a cloud of green light that stank of rotting vegetables to applaud, or do anything else when that cloud and the chunk of Mestor inside the Minister regrouped and dived straight into Azmael. In a moment, Mestor assumed control of Azmael.

And then, in one of the moments of my life I would sooner like to forget, I ordered the Minister to shoot him through both hearts.

Azmael fell, and Mestor found that while a Time Lord is difficult to control, controlling it and stopping one bleeding to death is far harder. Too busy to stop the old Time Lord from regenerating and thus purging him, Mestor was forced to allow Azmael to regain some control. Enough to say goodbye to me. And I remembered one of the biggest regrets in my life was that I believed I never was able to farewell my hero before he left Gallifrey. This time however, I took my chance and Azmael said that I had achieved what he'd set out to do. In five centuries he'd been to three planets and hadn't saved a single one. Without wanting to sound immodest, I had been all around the universe and saved it repeatedly. Azmael didn't mind. If anything, he was proud.

I wish we'd had more time to talk, but Azmael slipped away in my arms, taking Mestor with him. The Minister was in only slightly better shape. A control freak like him being possessed by Mestor hadn't done his sanity any good at all and poor Azmael was the only person he'd ever shot. The Minister dropped the gun and wandered off, and I never did find out what happened to him. Maybe he's still on Joconda, doing gardening and thinking nice thoughts. I don't think he'd last long in politics, so that was probably for the best.

Sylvest had also decided to quit his career, which had sky-rocketed when his joke book about the square root of negative numbers was taken seriously by the academic community, and concentrate on his twins. The experiment was abandoned and because of all the secrecy, no one questioned the reappearance of the Twins, who were able to emotionally mature. Of course, they're not perfect, but who is? Certainly, they had learned to play backgammon and karioke the last time I dropped by. Romulus is still the louder one, but Remus is quite the ladies' man.

Hugo, with his desire to become a celebrity, tried to steal the TARDIS. Trouble was, there was a bit of queue. Slarn the Chamberlain was there already trying to break in and offering a fortune to anyone prepared to help him escape Joconda. Noma also had that idea and Fabian and Drak were simply there to watch what happened. I meanwhile, bumped into Peri, who was feeling rather caustic. But she still apologized when she learned that poor Azmael had died. I snapped that she had no cause to, but she was sorry for me. It's so simple now, but at the time I was confused and irritable. On the trip back to the TARDIS, my mood had improved ever so slightly, but I made it clear that the TARDIS was for myself and Peri only.

We said our goodbyes and upon learning Azmael was dead there was a near stampede when it was discovered that there was now a vacancy for the Master of Joconda. However, I coldly pointed out that the Jocondans would not be easily fooled by Hugo, Slarn or Noma. Ultimately, Noma decided to run for it. Slarn hired Hugo as his body guard and Fabian found himself appointed to Master by Drak and several others, if only to better organize the landing of the fleet. This invasion would now be a mission of mercy.

On that note, Peri and I slipped away into time and space. It turned out of course that Azmael wasn't actually dead. Away from Gallifrey so long, the lindos glands had atrophied slightly, but when Fabian was escorted back to the palace they were confronted with the newly-regenerated Azmael in the blood-spattered clothing of his old self. The new Azmael was very different - a proud-looking old man with long white hair. A bit like me when I was younger. Once again I had left in the belief Azmael was dead. The next time we met, ironically, the exact same thing happened. But anyway, just as the TARDIS entered the vortex, I decided that although that outfit fitted me like a glove, it would be best to change. Peri suggested something more austere, maybe in black which is slimming...

But when I opened the wardrobe room there was just a heap of ashes and scrap metal. Hugo's pistol had overloaded, started a fire and the wardrobe containing every article of clothing I'd picked up and everything provided by the TARDIS fabricator when it was still working was burnt to ashes. And I couldn't think of somewhere else to replace the clothes, so I was stuck in that outfit. Of course, with my impeccable style and a time machine, I could easily make it fashionable. Peri considered it interference in the pattern of history, but then SHE had all of Tegan and Nyssa's clothes to choose from!

Of course, I never did get round to making this style popular. One thing after another got away, all sorts of other time meddlers - the Cybermen, the Sontarans, the Rani, the Borad... But of course. Those were other adventures. Other times. When I knew for certain my regeneration was stablized, and I wasn't just saying it to calm Peri down. But, as I said to her at the beginning, "Whatever else happens, I AM the Doctor. Whether you like it or not."

(He beams at us.)

-------------------

THE TWIN DILEMMA - Michael Jackson, with Thriller

(The Doctor's face forms in the logo.)

Cause this is thriller, thriller night...
There aint no second chances...

(The Doctor stares deeply into his reflection.)

...against the thing with forty eyes!

(Peri admirs her Vesta 95 outfit in the mirror.)

You know its thriller, thriller night

(The Doctor lunges across the lab and grabs Peri by the throat.)

Caption: THE 6TH DOCTOR AND PERI GET OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT WHEN HE TRIES TO STRANGLE HER IN THEIR FIRST STORY TOGETHER.

(Peri fights back.)

Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight!

(The Doctor steps out of the revitalizer, looking wasted.)

(Outside the TARDIS, the Doctor throws out his arms as he says "Excelsior".)

That this is thriller, thriller night!

(The Twins transform into skeletal androids.)

Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try!

(Hugo is shot in the back and collapses as the Doctor and Peri look on.)

Girl, this is thriller, thriller night!

(The Zombie Jacondans chase the fleeing humans.)

So let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, diller, chiller...

(The Doctor hurls a vial of Mosten's acid at Mestor, who crushes it with gravity.)

Thriller here tonight!