34. EXT. TARBROOK TOWN SQUARE (DAY)
The town has come to life, with various folk moving back and forth. We turn our attention to the town in. A sign hanging by the door says THE HANGMAN’S FIDDLE and has an emblem of a violin and a noose motif. Colt passes the inn, thinks again, then enters.
35. INT. THE HANGMAN’S FIDDLE (DAY)
A rather dingy but well kept inn, mainly lit by the sunshine from the windows and open door. Pretchard and Kenning are sleepily enjoying breakfast (beer and gruel) at a table. A young serving girl called SOPHIA is cleaning tables with a rag while the proprietor, TOBIAS, stands behind the bar, arms folded either meditating or bored stupid. Sophia looks up as Colt enters.
SOPHIA
Oh! Ello, Mr. Colt.
Tobias is too busy staring into the distance to look up.
TOBIAS
Aye.
Pretchard and Kenning squirm. But continue to eat and drink while squirming.
COLT
A good day to you both.
SOPHIA
You’re in early this morning, Mr. Colt. It’s not usual for this many customers so early in the day?
COLT
I just have a quick favor to beg of you, Sophia. Keep your ears open for anything regarding our new prisoner. You know the one. The Captain thinks... that he could be important.
Sophia glances at Tobias, who is still staring blankly ahead.
TOBIAS
Well, Mr. Colt, I'm always keen to help the constabulary. Trouble is I have been going deaf but these last few years...
Sophia nods miserably.
SOPHIA
Ooh, yes, it's awful. And you know me, Mr. Colt, I have a terrible memory. In one ear and then out the other it is.
Colt rolls his eyes.
COLT
Every time, the same stupid ritual...
Irritably, Colt delves into a pocket and drops it on the bar. Tobias doesn’t react.
COLT
Will that do your senses for today, Tobias?
TOBIAS
Aye, it will.
Colt nods.
TOBIAS
For now.
Colt seethes. Tobias still hasn’t looked at anyone.
COLT
For now, aye.
Colt rolls his eyes and turns to leave when he spots Pretchard and Kenning at the table. Kenning is rather obviously sitting low in his chair and holding a hand over his face. Pretchard is concentrating on eating.
COLT
Well, well, well.
SOPHIA
Something wrong, Mr. Colt?
COLT
Oh, just the usual, Sophia.
Colt walks over to the pair. Kenning tries to turn up his collar to make him inconspicuous and fails agonizingly.
COLT
Still enjoying yourselves, gentlemen?
Pretchard glances up at Colt, not as afraid as he was about Farrier.
PRETCHARD
You could say that.
KENNING
Ah, but Mr. Colt, THIS time enjoyment is not of OUR making.
COLT
Is it not?
KENNING
Nay, sir. Some find enjoyment, some achieve enjoyment, but our enjoyment has been cruelly thrust upon us! Just so!
COLT
Just so?
PRETCHARD
Just so.
COLT
How so?
PRETCHARD
How so just so?
COLT
How so just so.
Pretchard looks at Kenning.
PRETCHARD
How so just so?
KENNING
Er... well, if you MUST know how so just so, well, one of my poems, sir. It has been published in an almanac.
PRETCHARD
Aye, through correspondence as well!
KENNING
And now I am some way more well-heeled a man and I were the day before.
COLT
And well-pickled?
PRETCHARD
That we be, sir, that we be.
COLT
That IS good fortune, Kenning. And it would seem only decent that I, your superior officer, join you in a drink to your health.
Kenning is not enthusiastic.
KENNING
Aye. Decent.
Colt, keeping his eyes on the others, drops some coins on the table.
COLT
Inkeep Tobias? A flagon of your finest ale for each gold sovereign.
TOBIAS
Top of the barrel it is, aye.
Tobias doesn’t move an inch, continuing to stare ahead. Scowling, Sophia rushes behind the bar to fill a flagon.
36. INT. CELL (DAY)
The Hangman’s Fiddle can be seen through the barred window. Beside it stands Tom King, wide awake and looking out the window. The Doctor lies on the floor, hands behind his head. The Doctor’s eyes are closed but he’s not alseep.
DOCTOR
...and here I am. What’s your story, sir?
KING
Less entertaining, I fancy. I simply got too close them, trying to see what was in the convoy. I must say, the whole experience was startling. I never expected watchmen to be well trained. Or trained at all.
DOCTOR
Yes. From what I could work out, they have a new officer in charge. An ex-army man.
King nods thoughtfully, still looking out the window.
KING
That would explain it, I suppose. I have heard damning things about the magistrate of this town. Rules with an iron fist, they say.
DOCTOR
And no velvet glove. He’s very keen on giving me a death sentence.
KING
Yes, the noose is on a thin leash here.
DOCTOR
An interesting phrase.
KING
I mean, hanging is the sentence for almost every crime. Especially for highwaymen.
DOCTOR
Ah, but I am NOT a highwayman.
KING
You aren't?
DOCTOR
No!
KING
Even when not accidentally freeing cattle?
DOCTOR
No. Not even a thief. At least, not for a considerable number of years.
King shrugs thoughtfully.
DOCTOR
Why do you find it so hard to believe?
KING
You have the manner about you.
DOCTOR
Highwaymen have manners?
KING
The rebellious streak. One who refuses to play by the rules.
DOCTOR
True enough. But I just don't steal money to fulfill that rebellious streak.
KING
There seem so few ways to fill the craving. What are the others?
MARY (VO)
There aren't any.
The Doctor turns around. It is now bright enough to see there is another barred window in the wall opposite, revealing the next cell. A rather grubby but attractive woman called MARY is sitting up on her bed to look through the window. She speaks sleepily, having just awoken.
37. INT. THE HANGMAN’S FIDDLE (DAY)
Colt now sits with Pretchard and Kenning. All three now have flagons. Colt raises his in a toast.
COLT
To your health and continued success as an artisan, sir.
Kenning does not hide his suspicion.
KENNING
Thank ee.
Colt is about to drink, but pauses in thought.
COLT
Oh. Wait.
PRETCHARD
What is it?
COLT
I’ve just remembered something.
KENNING
What?
COLT
I don't drink on duty!
He tips the contents of the flagon onto Kenning’s head.
COLT
And nor should you.
He slams the flagon down onto the table with enough force to shake it and scare the other two, who flinch.
COLT
But I am no tyrant. I will say nothing of the fact that you are late to report for duty. Again. I will say nothing of your embarrassing incompetence. Again. And I gladly turn a blind-eye to a man clearly wasting watch-business time to pursue an imaginary future in writing. Again. So just report for duty and carry it out well in ten minutes time and I shall see no need to breath a word of this to Captain Farrier - who is SUCH a better tyrant than I.
He reaches out, with both hands taking the other two tankards and empty them over the heads of Pretchard and Kenning. A long pause.
PRETCHARD
You want gratitude, do you, sir?
COLT
Yes, Pretchard. Undying gratitude.
He rises.
KENNING
And make sure to dry yourself off. You look like drowned rats in man-costumes.
He turns and strides out. A long pause. Pretchard and Kenning are dripping wet.
PRETCHARD
What a strange man. Who does he think he is?
Sophia sighs and starts mopping up the table between them.
SOPHIA
He used to be real nice, did Mr. Colt. Now... he's just another of Sir Anthony's bullies.
PRETCHARD
He’s a madman as well.
KENNING
Aye! He asks and pays for best ale and wastes every last drop just for a witticism! He could have just ordered us to leave but he HAS to make a scene out of it.
PRETCHARD
Hide of the man... It WAS the best ale too, wasn’t it Tobias?
Tobias still hasn’t reacted.
TOBIAS
Aye. By thunder.
KENNING
Wasted every wretched drop an’ all.
Pretchard shrugs and picks up an empty flagon.
PRETCHARD
Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Kenning.
He starts to wring out his shirt over the empty flagon.
PRETCHARD
Not quite EVERY drop.
SOPHIA
What ARE you doing?
Pretchard looks up, innocently.
PRETCHARD
Waste not, want not. Aye, Tobias?
Tobias still doesn’t react.
TOBIAS
Aye.
Kenning shrugs and starts to wring his shirt sleeve over his own flagon.
KENNING
Oh well, why not?
Sophia shakes her head.
38. INT. CELLS (DAY)
The Doctor, wide awake, stands by the window, reaching through to shake Mary’s hand.
DOCTOR
Good morning. I’m the Doctor. And who might you be?
KING
Ah, THIS fine young lady is Miss Mary Brazier.
Mary smiles at the Doctor.
MARY
I'm a thief.
DOCTOR
Everybody seems to be, nowadays.
MARY
You are in the churney house. Bit rude complaining about the company you get?
DOCTOR
Who said I was complaining?
KING
You’d best be kind to her, Doctor. She’s been brought to Tarbrook especially.
DOCTOR
“Especially”? What do you mean?
MARY
He means I was brought here especially. I was in Brixton, then suddenly get bunged into a cart and brought all the way out here. In the middle of nowhere.
DOCTOR
Nonsense, Tarbook is slightly south of the middle of nowhere.
KING
As I say, be kind to the lady.
DOCTOR
I didn’t have any other plans.
King walks over to the Doctor and leans against the wall beside him. He mutters to the Doctor quietly.
KING
Seems she is connected to somebody. Somebody important.
The Doctor mutters back to him.
DOCTOR
If so, she could be our best chance of escape.
KING
Like I said, Doctor, be kind to the lady.
39. INT. JAILHOUSE (NIGHT)
CROWLEY is asleep once more. Colt bursts in and Crowley snaps awake in the exact same manner he did before.
CROWLEY
I'm awake, sir! Swear on my life!
COLT
Crowley. It’s me.
Crowley relaxes slightly.
CROWELY
Ah, yes. Hullo, sir.
COLT
I’ve come for the new prisoner. Farrier wants to see him.
Crowley grimaces.
CROWLEY
Oh, dear.
COLT
Not like that, Crowley. He just wants to talk to the prisoner.
CROWLEY
“Talk”?
COLT
Just talk.
CROWLEY
Oh, I see then, sir. I see. Come with me, then, sir.
Relieved, Crowley rises, snatching up the keys.
40. INT. CELL (DAY)
As before.
MARY
I’m just a thief. When I went to London I did good rounds there.
DOCTOR
But I fail to see why you were taken here. I don't mean to be rude, Miss Brazier, but how exactly did you merit special treatment?
KING
She is dangerous – according to the authorities, anyway.
MARY
Me? I’m harmless. Until men chain me up.
There is the sound of the cell door being unlocked.
DOCTOR
Ah! No doubt Peri’s here with an escape plan and breakfast!
The door opens and Colt enters, followed by Crowley.
DOCTOR
Oh. Morning, Crowley? Did you bring breakfast?
CROWLEY
Sorry but no. Hope you’re keeping well.
DOCTOR
I’ve never been better. Who’s your intimidating friend?
COLT
I am Richard Colt.
DOCTOR
But of course you are.
COLT
I am with the Watch. I have come to take you to see Captain Farrier.
DOCTOR
Does HE have breakfast?
COLT
Not for you.
DOCTOR
Barbarians. All right, let’s talk to Captain Ferrier. I’m sure cooler heads will prevail... you sure breakfast’s off the menu?
COLT
Quite sure. Move.
The Doctor and Colt leave. King starts to follow. Crowley bars his way.
CROWLEY
And where d’you think you’re going, Mr. King?
KING
My legs ache. I need to stretch them very badly...
CROWLEY
Now, now. Let’s have none of that, Mr. King.
Put out, King slumps disconsolate on the bed.
KING
As you wish, Crowley, as you wish.
41. INT. JAIL CORRIDOR (DAY)
The Doctor heads for the stairs, followed by Colt.
DOCTOR
I think, Mr. Colt, it’s best you know Miss Brazier there is waiting to hear from you.
COLT
Don't worry about her, my friend. We'll be dealing with her very shortly.
DOCTOR
Is that as nasty as it sounds?
COLT
You have yet to meet Captain Farrier.
to be continued...
Showing posts with label To Catch A Thief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label To Catch A Thief. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
To Catch A Thief III
27. INT. JAILHOUSE (NIGHT)
A rather grubby interior with cells along one wall. CROWLEY is the jailor, a small man with a friendly face. He is asleep face down at his desk. When the door opens however, his head snaps up with well-practiced vigor.
CROWLEY
I'm awake, sir!
Pretchard, Kenning and the Doctor stand in the doorway.
PRETCHARD
It's us, Crowley, you daft sod.
Crowly lets out a sigh of relief.
CROWLEY
Oh, right you are. New prisoner, aye?
PRETCHARD
Yes. Right here.
DOCTOR
Good evening, Mr Crowley.
He leans forward and shakes Crowley’s hand.
DOCTOR
I’m the Doctor. I hope not to be staying long.
CROWLEY
Oh, dear.
DOCTOR
Don’t worry, I won’t be any trouble.
Crowley eyes him cautiously.
CROWLEY
Aye, thanks for that.
He turns to the constables.
CROWLEY
We’ve been getting a lot of prisoner, ain't we?
KENNING
Not our fault, Crowley.
CROWLEY
It’s not a question of fault, it’s a question of cells! And we haven’t got enough!
PRETCHARD
Come on, Crowley we've heard ALL this before.
CROWLEY
You say that all the time.
KENNING
Cause it’s true, that’s why. Just give us a key.
CROWLEY
No, no, Mr Pretchard.
KENNING
Kenning.
CROWLEY
Whatever. I mean it quite literally.
He speaks slowly, as if to an idiot.
CROWLEY
We - haven't – got – the - cells. All - are - occupied.
He smiles.
CROWLEY
Got that?
KENNING
Well what are we supposed to do with him?
PRETCHARD
I’m not taking him home with me!
KENNING
Nor me.
DOCTOR
Oh, how charming!
Crowley rubs his face, then his temples. He sighs.
CROWLEY
Never used to have this problem. Now all these highwaymen start springing up all over the place, and I’m the one who has to suffer most.
KENNING
You? Crowly, are you the poor soul who has to capture them?
PRETCHARD
No, Kenning, that’s US.
KENNING
Pretchard... just hold your tongue from now on.
The Doctor peers out the window, thinking to himself.
DOCTOR
Highwaymen, eh? So, it’s what? Early 18th Century? Epping Forest...
CROWLEY
What’s he going on about?
KENNING
How should we know? Can’t he bunk up with someone in the cells?
CROWLEY
That would be highly irregular.
PRETCHARD
It’d be quick and easy though, right enough.
CROWLEY
That’s true.
The Doctor snaps out of his thoughts.
DOCTOR
Hmm? I’m sorry?
CROWLEY
You will be. You shall be sharing you cell, sir.
DOCTOR
With a highwayman? Me? A humble cattle rustler?
KENNING
You seem intrigued by them, I’m sure you’ll not be bored.
CROWLEY
But on the brighter side, sire, you'll be sharing the cell with quite a celebrity...
DOCTOR
Who? Dick Turpin?
He grins hopefully. Pretchard frowns and turns to Kenning.
PRETCHARD
Who?
DOCTOR
Dick Turpin. You know? Dick TURPIN! The famous highwayman?
A beat.
DOCTOR
Not so famous after all, then?
KENNING
I know of no such man by that name.
CROWLEY
Nor I.
DOCTOR
Well, then who is the celebrity in the cell then?
CROWLEY
I speak of the "gentleman highwayman", as he is known, sire.
DOCTOR
Means nothing to me.
CROWLEY
Mister Tom King.
The Doctor nods in understanding.
DOCTOR
Oh! The OTHER famous highwayman. Not quite as famous, but then, beggars can’t be choosers. Cattle rustlers maybe, but not choosers.
PRETCHARD
There is no other famous highwayman! Not to he! He will not have it!
DOCTOR
Well, things may change. They often do in my experience.
Crowley opens a drawer, taking out a large ring of keys. He picks one out, removes it and passes it Pretchard.
CROWLEY
Here's the key. You two know where the cell is, I’m certain.
Kenning snatches it from his palm.
PRETCHARD
Aw!
KENNING
You’d only lose it.
PRETCHARD
Lose what?
KENNING
Ah, y’see? Your mind is still in bed!
CROWLEY
Yes, well, I'm a mite tired for this banter right now.
PRETCHARD
You are always tired Crowley.
CROWLEY
Only because you two gentlemen are so wearying. Is that all you will be needing?
PRETCHARD
Just so.
CROWLEY
Well, go forth then! Leave me in peace!
The Doctor pats him on the shoulder as he passes.
DOCTOR
Pure dreams, Mr. Crowley.
He and the constables cross to a stairwell and descend out of sight.
CROWLEY
Pure dreams... I should be so lucky.
28. INT. JAIL CORRIDOR (NIGHT)
The Doctor strides down the corridor, Pretchard and Kenning struggling to keep up. The Doctor’s chatter is visibly irritating them.
DOCTOR
What I don’t understand is how he came to be captured? You don’t become a famous highwayman by being caught, do you? And if King is so incredible, then how did he come to be captured at all?
PRETCHARD
Ask him yourself!
KENNING
When he wakes up!
DOCTOR
Do I detect a note of criticism, Constables?
KENNING
A note? A song more like! You annoy more than a toothache!
DOCTOR
Oh, well, that is easily fixed. Let me go.
PRETCHARD
How does that solve toothache?
DOCTOR
Mouth closed, Pretchard.
KENNING
Mouth closed yourself!
He unlocks the door to a cell and hauls it open.
DOCTOR
What happened to service with a smile?
Pretchard smiles. The Doctor grimaces.
DOCTOR
Point taken.
29. INT. CELL (NIGHT)
A dark, grubby cell. There is straw on the ground and a huddled figure under a blanket is in the corner. It does not move as the Doctor is unceremoniously shoved inside.
DOCTOR
You’ll come back for lunch, won’t you?
The door slams shut. The figure does not move.
DOCTOR
Ah. Yes. Right you are, then.
Looking around, he starts to remove his suit enough to take his communicator. He switches it on and a tiny red LED begins to flash. He whispers into it, suddenly frantic.
DOCTOR
Hello? Peri? Peri! Can you hear me? I’ve got a positive APB on Division 161. Peri, do you read? Over? Alpha? Bravo? Mayday, mayday! Tora, tora, tora! Alpha Bravo, Uncle, Charley, Romeo, Victor, Oscar, Auntie Em, Toto?! Toto!! Are you there?
A burst of static. The Doctor hastily hugs the communicator to his chest to muffle the noise. The Doctor sighs sadly.
DOCTOR
She will be BEYOND insufferable after all this.
He sighs, slides down the wall and starts to toy with the communicator. Dissolve to:
30. MONTAGE
Period flute music plays a tranquil tune. The sun slowly rises over Epping forest. A rooster crows. The TARDIS is gently silhouetted against the sunshine. The RESIDENTS of Tarbrook are moving around, the town centre coming to life. As the residents perform their morning duties, the birds in the trees outside the watch house.
31. INT. WATCH HOUSE (DAY)
Sunshine streams through the windows. The room is relatively spartarn, containing a few chairs and a table on which is a map of the forest. Farrier, already in full dress uniform sits at his desk, sipping from a mug as makes notes in a book. He checks the map of the forest on his desk and frowns, agitated.
FARRIER
Lieutenant Colt!
A moment later the door opens a squat, bearded lieutenant enters, squinting through tired eyes. This is COLT, loyal and knackered.
COLT
Sire?
FARRIER
Who was this man arrested last night?
COLT
Oh, the cattle rustler?
FARRIER
Yes. Who was he?
COLT
He gave no name, Captain.
FARRIER
I can see that, Colt, I have the papers from Magistrate Descott here in front of me. Now, from what you know, do you think he could be... the Man?
Colt shrugs.
COLT
I don't think it's likely, sire.
FARRIER
And why not, pray?
Colt looks awkward and rubs his forehead, sighing.
COLT
Well, to be perfectly honest, sire...
FARRIER
I expect no less. Go on, Colt.
COLT
I’m skeptical... that the Man even exists.
FARRIER
That level of skepticism is unusual, Richard. Even from you. Is there a particular reason?
COLT
It's just a series of unaccounted robberies, sire. They could be the work of anyone.
FARRIER
And they could be the work of the Man!
COLT
Captain, what leads you to that conclusion?
Farrier snarls and crosses to the window sill to look out.
FARRIER
Bah! I don’t have to explain my reasoning to you, Lieutenant! I have been studying these robberies for years and -
Colt laughs aloud.
COLT
“Years”, sire?!
Farrier looks furious and his knuckles turn white as they grip the window sill.
FARRIER
A year. I said “A year”.
Colt, still smiling, nods.
COLT
Captain.
FARRIER
A YEAR, LIEUTENANT!
COLT
Aye, sire.
FARRIER
I have studied well, Colt. And from my where I'm standing there's no doubt in my mind. No doubt whatsoever. Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have served abroad...
Colt nods dully.
FARRIER
Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have seen and heard and smelled the rage of TEN THOUSAND warriors in one place...
Colt mouths “ten thousand warriors”. He’s heard this before.
FARRIER
...and that place is one small sliver of Hell. Because I – unlike you – have seen it. And you haven’t seen that hatred. Or smelt that hatred. Or felt that hatred. It’s savagery. Pure and undilted savagery. I have seen it. And I see it in EVERY one of these robberies. It carries a mark so tangible... I can almost touch it.
COLT
That IS tangible, sire.
FARRIER
Exactly.
COLT
Even so, sir...
FARRIER
Quiet! I am an officer! I have no time for slack-jawed doubting Thomases.
COLT
No, sir.
FARRIER
No, sir! Now, I want an interview with this stranger...
He turns to the desk, picks up the reports and glances at them.
FARRIER
...yes, with this “Doctor”, as soon as it is possible for it be arranged. Is that understood precisely, Lieutenant Colt?
COLT
Precisely, sire. Just a normal interview, sire?
Farrier gives him a quizzical look, making eye contact for the first time.
FARRIER
Yes. Why?
COLT
It's only, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to fetch the... “instruments”.
Farrier gives a smile you’d rather not see.
FARRIER
No, Richard my friend. The “instruments” will not be needed today.
32. EXT. COPSE (DAY)
The TARDIS sits in the shade. Birds are singing.
DOCTOR (VO)
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Come in, tango!
33. INT. TARDIS – PERI’S ROOM (DAY)
Formally Tegan and Nyssa’s room. There are a few more books, a changing screen and a collection of plants in pots. A tartan sash hangs on the wall behind the bed on which Peri is sprawled, fast asleep. She cracks open an eye as the Doctor’s voice continues.
DOCTOR (VO)
Tango, this is Alpha Force! Go Alpha Force! Delta Omega two, standby...
Peri mumbles into her pillow.
PERI
Doctor?
The voice is coming from her bedroom table, under a broach and a Cryon crystal and other knick knacks. Peri semi-consciously flails an arm out, as if to switch off an alarm clock that’s starting ringing.
DOCTOR (VO)
Go, Peri 8, over? If this is working, it will record this message and broadcast to your communicator, but only replay it when you’re conscious. I can do that sort of thing because of my usual remarkable skills I try not to boast about. I’m working on the assumption you’re doing what you’re told and getting some sleep to recover. Roger, Brown 2? The next voice you will be hearing will be none other than myself from the central location of... Tarminster? No, Tarbrook, that’s the name... Anyway, stand by for further communication on this channel.
PERI
You’re in a prison cell, aren’t you?
DOCTOR (VO)
Now, heh, you’re not going to believe this, Peri...
PERI
Something slightly unexpected’s happened?
DOCTOR (VO)
Well, putting it at its simplest, something slightly unexpected’s happened...
PERI
And you need my help, don’t you?
She rolls over and sits up, brushing her hair out of her eyes.
DOCTOR (VO)
...and, to be honest, I need your help.
She grins and shakes her head. Then she struggles out of bed.
PERI
Try me. What happened?
DOCTOR (VO)
The thing is, long story cut short, I've managed to be accused of, well, being a cattle rustler.
Peri turns and stares at the communicator.
DOCTOR (VO)
A very stinging accusation, I might add. For not once in my life, not in almost nine hundred years have I ever, EVER rustled a cow.
Peri continues to stare.
DOCTOR (VO)
Or bullock, either. Well, there was that business in Knossos but... No. Never mind that now. You still have all of Tegan’s old things, yes? Well, she should have a rather splendid outfit, a sort of basic frock. Only a hundred years too late, but she does have it. Oh, the complaints I got from here when we missed THAT holiday destination. Two hundred parsecs out and everyone’s a critic. Anyway, you’ll need it, and some sensible shoes...
She crosses to the changing screen and flips through the dresses on the rack.
PERI
Oh? Why’s that?
DOCTOR (VO)
You see, I’m some way away from the TARDIS at the moments. About... ooh, forty minutes walk in a town called Tarbrook. I’m in the jailhouse.
PERI
Oh, the Baltimore girl gets it right again...
DOCTOR (VO)
Sorry about this, Bingo 12. So many thoughts, it’s hard to get them into any sort of order and I’m trying not to wake up the cell mate.
Peri finds the dress and looks it over.
PERI
So, I take it we’re on Earth? In England in the past?
DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, we’re on Earth by the way. About in the middle of England. Somewhere close to Epping forest as far as I can make out, circa 1730 give or take a few years.
PERI
I am going to be insufferable after this, I really am.
DOCTOR (VO)
But, frankly, I'm starting to wonder if we’ve drifted into some kind of parallel universe by mistake.
PERI
You say that every time the locals are rude.
DOCTOR (VO)
I mean, not only have I been treated so rudely, but also NOBODY here seems to have heard of Dick Turpin! DICK TURPIN!
PERI
Who’s Dick Turpin?
DOCTOR (VO)
Still, divergent timeline or not, cattle rustling is considered an offence worthy of the death penalty and I do not intend to die in the mistaken belief I was abducting cows!
PERI
So, what do I do after I find you?
DOCTOR (VO)
On topic, on topic. When you find the town, Peri, there is something you must do!
PERI
I’m all ears!
DOCTOR (VO)
You’ve got to get me some breakfast.
Peri sighs and steps behind the changing screen, drawing it closed.
PERI
Some breakfast. Right.
DOCTOR (VO)
I’m starving and I doubt eighteenth century English prison food will be good for my sensitive palette. Some sausages would be nice – I LOVE sausages... Oh, and while you’re here, we’ll discuss escape plans, defense strategies, etc, etc, obviously.
PERI (VO)
But after your breakfast.
DOCTOR (VO)
Just... well, after breakfast. You can’t plot an escape on an empty stomach, can you? There’s an inn right across the town square, you can’t miss it.
PERI (VO)
I better bring some money.
DOCTOR (VO)
And don’t forget to bring some money! Now, message ends. Over?
The Doctor begins to do a crap impersonation of Winston Churchill.
DOCTOR (VO)
We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the trenches, for it is not over until the fat lady sings! Yes! This one’s for the gypper. Or was it ‘Kipper’? Slide, Di Maggio! Slide! Slide! Slide! Division 16 will light this place up like a Christmas tree – go in for a slice of the action and kick some serious Androgum...
Peri pulls back the curtain, now wearing a light yellow frock.
PERI
You’ve left it switched on, Doc.
DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, no it’s still switched on! Botheration!
She picks up the communicator and switches it off.
PERI
How the hell did he survive 900 years without me?
Shrugging, she leaves her room.
- to be continued
A rather grubby interior with cells along one wall. CROWLEY is the jailor, a small man with a friendly face. He is asleep face down at his desk. When the door opens however, his head snaps up with well-practiced vigor.
CROWLEY
I'm awake, sir!
Pretchard, Kenning and the Doctor stand in the doorway.
PRETCHARD
It's us, Crowley, you daft sod.
Crowly lets out a sigh of relief.
CROWLEY
Oh, right you are. New prisoner, aye?
PRETCHARD
Yes. Right here.
DOCTOR
Good evening, Mr Crowley.
He leans forward and shakes Crowley’s hand.
DOCTOR
I’m the Doctor. I hope not to be staying long.
CROWLEY
Oh, dear.
DOCTOR
Don’t worry, I won’t be any trouble.
Crowley eyes him cautiously.
CROWLEY
Aye, thanks for that.
He turns to the constables.
CROWLEY
We’ve been getting a lot of prisoner, ain't we?
KENNING
Not our fault, Crowley.
CROWLEY
It’s not a question of fault, it’s a question of cells! And we haven’t got enough!
PRETCHARD
Come on, Crowley we've heard ALL this before.
CROWLEY
You say that all the time.
KENNING
Cause it’s true, that’s why. Just give us a key.
CROWLEY
No, no, Mr Pretchard.
KENNING
Kenning.
CROWLEY
Whatever. I mean it quite literally.
He speaks slowly, as if to an idiot.
CROWLEY
We - haven't – got – the - cells. All - are - occupied.
He smiles.
CROWLEY
Got that?
KENNING
Well what are we supposed to do with him?
PRETCHARD
I’m not taking him home with me!
KENNING
Nor me.
DOCTOR
Oh, how charming!
Crowley rubs his face, then his temples. He sighs.
CROWLEY
Never used to have this problem. Now all these highwaymen start springing up all over the place, and I’m the one who has to suffer most.
KENNING
You? Crowly, are you the poor soul who has to capture them?
PRETCHARD
No, Kenning, that’s US.
KENNING
Pretchard... just hold your tongue from now on.
The Doctor peers out the window, thinking to himself.
DOCTOR
Highwaymen, eh? So, it’s what? Early 18th Century? Epping Forest...
CROWLEY
What’s he going on about?
KENNING
How should we know? Can’t he bunk up with someone in the cells?
CROWLEY
That would be highly irregular.
PRETCHARD
It’d be quick and easy though, right enough.
CROWLEY
That’s true.
The Doctor snaps out of his thoughts.
DOCTOR
Hmm? I’m sorry?
CROWLEY
You will be. You shall be sharing you cell, sir.
DOCTOR
With a highwayman? Me? A humble cattle rustler?
KENNING
You seem intrigued by them, I’m sure you’ll not be bored.
CROWLEY
But on the brighter side, sire, you'll be sharing the cell with quite a celebrity...
DOCTOR
Who? Dick Turpin?
He grins hopefully. Pretchard frowns and turns to Kenning.
PRETCHARD
Who?
DOCTOR
Dick Turpin. You know? Dick TURPIN! The famous highwayman?
A beat.
DOCTOR
Not so famous after all, then?
KENNING
I know of no such man by that name.
CROWLEY
Nor I.
DOCTOR
Well, then who is the celebrity in the cell then?
CROWLEY
I speak of the "gentleman highwayman", as he is known, sire.
DOCTOR
Means nothing to me.
CROWLEY
Mister Tom King.
The Doctor nods in understanding.
DOCTOR
Oh! The OTHER famous highwayman. Not quite as famous, but then, beggars can’t be choosers. Cattle rustlers maybe, but not choosers.
PRETCHARD
There is no other famous highwayman! Not to he! He will not have it!
DOCTOR
Well, things may change. They often do in my experience.
Crowley opens a drawer, taking out a large ring of keys. He picks one out, removes it and passes it Pretchard.
CROWLEY
Here's the key. You two know where the cell is, I’m certain.
Kenning snatches it from his palm.
PRETCHARD
Aw!
KENNING
You’d only lose it.
PRETCHARD
Lose what?
KENNING
Ah, y’see? Your mind is still in bed!
CROWLEY
Yes, well, I'm a mite tired for this banter right now.
PRETCHARD
You are always tired Crowley.
CROWLEY
Only because you two gentlemen are so wearying. Is that all you will be needing?
PRETCHARD
Just so.
CROWLEY
Well, go forth then! Leave me in peace!
The Doctor pats him on the shoulder as he passes.
DOCTOR
Pure dreams, Mr. Crowley.
He and the constables cross to a stairwell and descend out of sight.
CROWLEY
Pure dreams... I should be so lucky.
28. INT. JAIL CORRIDOR (NIGHT)
The Doctor strides down the corridor, Pretchard and Kenning struggling to keep up. The Doctor’s chatter is visibly irritating them.
DOCTOR
What I don’t understand is how he came to be captured? You don’t become a famous highwayman by being caught, do you? And if King is so incredible, then how did he come to be captured at all?
PRETCHARD
Ask him yourself!
KENNING
When he wakes up!
DOCTOR
Do I detect a note of criticism, Constables?
KENNING
A note? A song more like! You annoy more than a toothache!
DOCTOR
Oh, well, that is easily fixed. Let me go.
PRETCHARD
How does that solve toothache?
DOCTOR
Mouth closed, Pretchard.
KENNING
Mouth closed yourself!
He unlocks the door to a cell and hauls it open.
DOCTOR
What happened to service with a smile?
Pretchard smiles. The Doctor grimaces.
DOCTOR
Point taken.
29. INT. CELL (NIGHT)
A dark, grubby cell. There is straw on the ground and a huddled figure under a blanket is in the corner. It does not move as the Doctor is unceremoniously shoved inside.
DOCTOR
You’ll come back for lunch, won’t you?
The door slams shut. The figure does not move.
DOCTOR
Ah. Yes. Right you are, then.
Looking around, he starts to remove his suit enough to take his communicator. He switches it on and a tiny red LED begins to flash. He whispers into it, suddenly frantic.
DOCTOR
Hello? Peri? Peri! Can you hear me? I’ve got a positive APB on Division 161. Peri, do you read? Over? Alpha? Bravo? Mayday, mayday! Tora, tora, tora! Alpha Bravo, Uncle, Charley, Romeo, Victor, Oscar, Auntie Em, Toto?! Toto!! Are you there?
A burst of static. The Doctor hastily hugs the communicator to his chest to muffle the noise. The Doctor sighs sadly.
DOCTOR
She will be BEYOND insufferable after all this.
He sighs, slides down the wall and starts to toy with the communicator. Dissolve to:
30. MONTAGE
Period flute music plays a tranquil tune. The sun slowly rises over Epping forest. A rooster crows. The TARDIS is gently silhouetted against the sunshine. The RESIDENTS of Tarbrook are moving around, the town centre coming to life. As the residents perform their morning duties, the birds in the trees outside the watch house.
31. INT. WATCH HOUSE (DAY)
Sunshine streams through the windows. The room is relatively spartarn, containing a few chairs and a table on which is a map of the forest. Farrier, already in full dress uniform sits at his desk, sipping from a mug as makes notes in a book. He checks the map of the forest on his desk and frowns, agitated.
FARRIER
Lieutenant Colt!
A moment later the door opens a squat, bearded lieutenant enters, squinting through tired eyes. This is COLT, loyal and knackered.
COLT
Sire?
FARRIER
Who was this man arrested last night?
COLT
Oh, the cattle rustler?
FARRIER
Yes. Who was he?
COLT
He gave no name, Captain.
FARRIER
I can see that, Colt, I have the papers from Magistrate Descott here in front of me. Now, from what you know, do you think he could be... the Man?
Colt shrugs.
COLT
I don't think it's likely, sire.
FARRIER
And why not, pray?
Colt looks awkward and rubs his forehead, sighing.
COLT
Well, to be perfectly honest, sire...
FARRIER
I expect no less. Go on, Colt.
COLT
I’m skeptical... that the Man even exists.
FARRIER
That level of skepticism is unusual, Richard. Even from you. Is there a particular reason?
COLT
It's just a series of unaccounted robberies, sire. They could be the work of anyone.
FARRIER
And they could be the work of the Man!
COLT
Captain, what leads you to that conclusion?
Farrier snarls and crosses to the window sill to look out.
FARRIER
Bah! I don’t have to explain my reasoning to you, Lieutenant! I have been studying these robberies for years and -
Colt laughs aloud.
COLT
“Years”, sire?!
Farrier looks furious and his knuckles turn white as they grip the window sill.
FARRIER
A year. I said “A year”.
Colt, still smiling, nods.
COLT
Captain.
FARRIER
A YEAR, LIEUTENANT!
COLT
Aye, sire.
FARRIER
I have studied well, Colt. And from my where I'm standing there's no doubt in my mind. No doubt whatsoever. Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have served abroad...
Colt nods dully.
FARRIER
Maybe it is because I – unlike you – have seen and heard and smelled the rage of TEN THOUSAND warriors in one place...
Colt mouths “ten thousand warriors”. He’s heard this before.
FARRIER
...and that place is one small sliver of Hell. Because I – unlike you – have seen it. And you haven’t seen that hatred. Or smelt that hatred. Or felt that hatred. It’s savagery. Pure and undilted savagery. I have seen it. And I see it in EVERY one of these robberies. It carries a mark so tangible... I can almost touch it.
COLT
That IS tangible, sire.
FARRIER
Exactly.
COLT
Even so, sir...
FARRIER
Quiet! I am an officer! I have no time for slack-jawed doubting Thomases.
COLT
No, sir.
FARRIER
No, sir! Now, I want an interview with this stranger...
He turns to the desk, picks up the reports and glances at them.
FARRIER
...yes, with this “Doctor”, as soon as it is possible for it be arranged. Is that understood precisely, Lieutenant Colt?
COLT
Precisely, sire. Just a normal interview, sire?
Farrier gives him a quizzical look, making eye contact for the first time.
FARRIER
Yes. Why?
COLT
It's only, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to fetch the... “instruments”.
Farrier gives a smile you’d rather not see.
FARRIER
No, Richard my friend. The “instruments” will not be needed today.
32. EXT. COPSE (DAY)
The TARDIS sits in the shade. Birds are singing.
DOCTOR (VO)
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Come in, tango!
33. INT. TARDIS – PERI’S ROOM (DAY)
Formally Tegan and Nyssa’s room. There are a few more books, a changing screen and a collection of plants in pots. A tartan sash hangs on the wall behind the bed on which Peri is sprawled, fast asleep. She cracks open an eye as the Doctor’s voice continues.
DOCTOR (VO)
Tango, this is Alpha Force! Go Alpha Force! Delta Omega two, standby...
Peri mumbles into her pillow.
PERI
Doctor?
The voice is coming from her bedroom table, under a broach and a Cryon crystal and other knick knacks. Peri semi-consciously flails an arm out, as if to switch off an alarm clock that’s starting ringing.
DOCTOR (VO)
Go, Peri 8, over? If this is working, it will record this message and broadcast to your communicator, but only replay it when you’re conscious. I can do that sort of thing because of my usual remarkable skills I try not to boast about. I’m working on the assumption you’re doing what you’re told and getting some sleep to recover. Roger, Brown 2? The next voice you will be hearing will be none other than myself from the central location of... Tarminster? No, Tarbrook, that’s the name... Anyway, stand by for further communication on this channel.
PERI
You’re in a prison cell, aren’t you?
DOCTOR (VO)
Now, heh, you’re not going to believe this, Peri...
PERI
Something slightly unexpected’s happened?
DOCTOR (VO)
Well, putting it at its simplest, something slightly unexpected’s happened...
PERI
And you need my help, don’t you?
She rolls over and sits up, brushing her hair out of her eyes.
DOCTOR (VO)
...and, to be honest, I need your help.
She grins and shakes her head. Then she struggles out of bed.
PERI
Try me. What happened?
DOCTOR (VO)
The thing is, long story cut short, I've managed to be accused of, well, being a cattle rustler.
Peri turns and stares at the communicator.
DOCTOR (VO)
A very stinging accusation, I might add. For not once in my life, not in almost nine hundred years have I ever, EVER rustled a cow.
Peri continues to stare.
DOCTOR (VO)
Or bullock, either. Well, there was that business in Knossos but... No. Never mind that now. You still have all of Tegan’s old things, yes? Well, she should have a rather splendid outfit, a sort of basic frock. Only a hundred years too late, but she does have it. Oh, the complaints I got from here when we missed THAT holiday destination. Two hundred parsecs out and everyone’s a critic. Anyway, you’ll need it, and some sensible shoes...
She crosses to the changing screen and flips through the dresses on the rack.
PERI
Oh? Why’s that?
DOCTOR (VO)
You see, I’m some way away from the TARDIS at the moments. About... ooh, forty minutes walk in a town called Tarbrook. I’m in the jailhouse.
PERI
Oh, the Baltimore girl gets it right again...
DOCTOR (VO)
Sorry about this, Bingo 12. So many thoughts, it’s hard to get them into any sort of order and I’m trying not to wake up the cell mate.
Peri finds the dress and looks it over.
PERI
So, I take it we’re on Earth? In England in the past?
DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, we’re on Earth by the way. About in the middle of England. Somewhere close to Epping forest as far as I can make out, circa 1730 give or take a few years.
PERI
I am going to be insufferable after this, I really am.
DOCTOR (VO)
But, frankly, I'm starting to wonder if we’ve drifted into some kind of parallel universe by mistake.
PERI
You say that every time the locals are rude.
DOCTOR (VO)
I mean, not only have I been treated so rudely, but also NOBODY here seems to have heard of Dick Turpin! DICK TURPIN!
PERI
Who’s Dick Turpin?
DOCTOR (VO)
Still, divergent timeline or not, cattle rustling is considered an offence worthy of the death penalty and I do not intend to die in the mistaken belief I was abducting cows!
PERI
So, what do I do after I find you?
DOCTOR (VO)
On topic, on topic. When you find the town, Peri, there is something you must do!
PERI
I’m all ears!
DOCTOR (VO)
You’ve got to get me some breakfast.
Peri sighs and steps behind the changing screen, drawing it closed.
PERI
Some breakfast. Right.
DOCTOR (VO)
I’m starving and I doubt eighteenth century English prison food will be good for my sensitive palette. Some sausages would be nice – I LOVE sausages... Oh, and while you’re here, we’ll discuss escape plans, defense strategies, etc, etc, obviously.
PERI (VO)
But after your breakfast.
DOCTOR (VO)
Just... well, after breakfast. You can’t plot an escape on an empty stomach, can you? There’s an inn right across the town square, you can’t miss it.
PERI (VO)
I better bring some money.
DOCTOR (VO)
And don’t forget to bring some money! Now, message ends. Over?
The Doctor begins to do a crap impersonation of Winston Churchill.
DOCTOR (VO)
We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the trenches, for it is not over until the fat lady sings! Yes! This one’s for the gypper. Or was it ‘Kipper’? Slide, Di Maggio! Slide! Slide! Slide! Division 16 will light this place up like a Christmas tree – go in for a slice of the action and kick some serious Androgum...
Peri pulls back the curtain, now wearing a light yellow frock.
PERI
You’ve left it switched on, Doc.
DOCTOR (VO)
Oh, no it’s still switched on! Botheration!
She picks up the communicator and switches it off.
PERI
How the hell did he survive 900 years without me?
Shrugging, she leaves her room.
- to be continued
Sunday, April 8, 2007
To Catch A Thief II
10. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (DAY)
The Doctor enters, still carrying the diving helmet. He places it on the console and does his gloves as Peri enters the room as well.
PERI
It’s idiotic! The most idiotic thing any idiot could do!
DOCTOR
Enjoy the variety.
PERI
What variety?
The Doctor picks up a silver cylinder from the wheelbarrow and looks it over.
DOCTOR
Me being an idiot. Well, you’re probably tired of living with a genius by now. A touch of idiocy will be refreshing. Until the control systems are reprogrammed, I won’t trust my health to them. It’s just a sensible precaution. We’ve no idea where we are!
PERI
They say it’s Earth!
DOCTOR
No, they say it MIGHT be Earth – and the instruments, as previously established, are unreliable. Now, whatever the atmospheric conditions outside, I will be safe.
He fits the silver cylinder to his chest.
DOCTOR
Air supply good. Yes, acid rain, hard vacuum, underwater, blazing desert – I’m much better prepared for whatever it is out there than you are.
Peri heads for the internal door.
PERI
Then I’ll get the other suit.
DOCTOR
Who said there was another suit?
Peri stops at the doorway.
PERI
Oh.
DOCTOR
And even if there was one, I wouldn’t let you wear it. Now stay in here.
Peri rolls her eyes in exasperation.
PERI
For how long?!
DOCTOR
Oh, I don’t know! Until you feel better.
PERI
Like I’ve been telling you all morning – I – FEEL – FINE!
DOCTOR
Then stay in here until you LOOK better.
He picks a mirror from the wheelbarrow and hands it to her. She looks at her reflection and tries not to noticeably do her hair.
PERI
I look OK!
DOCTOR
Ah, but you don’t look DAZZLING! Until you do, you’re grounded.
Peri folds her arms, and looks at the ground. She speaks quietly.
PERI
You know, if you don’t want me to travel with you any more, you could just say so.
The Doctor’s face falls. That really hurts.
DOCTOR
Oh, Peri... how can you even THINK that?
PERI
Why else wouldn’t you let me come with you?
DOCTOR
Perhaps because I think it’s for the best this time? Peri. Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be to be deprived of the freedom that you and I have. It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam, unable to get anywhere you want to. But you have been exposed to things no human being of the twentieth century has EVER dreamed of, let alone experienced! You may feel fine inside the TARDIS, outside time and space, but there’s absolutely no guarantee you will feel the same once you leave. I... I honestly would prefer you safe and sound in here.
PERI
Why do you act like it’s a just some joke?
DOCTOR
The key word there, Peri, is act. It’s just my way.
PERI
Way of saying you don’t want me to get hurt?
DOCTOR
Way of saying I’d hate to lose you. Now, all I am asking if you stay inside the TARDIS. Just for another day or so. By then, any recurring symptoms will have manifested themselves and we can take it from there. You know where that medicine is for if you DO feel ill? Good. Now, until I get back, take things nice and easy for a while. There’s plenty of entertainment in the library and...
The Doctor picks up his helmet but hesitates putting it on.
DOCTOR
I’m not asking too much, am I?
Peri smiles.
PERI
Guess not. But I still think we’re on Earth. You don’t need that outfit.
DOCTOR
Don’t I? What if we are on Earth before it had a breathable atmosphere?
PERI
The instruments say...
DOCTOR
I am RE-CALIBRATING the instruments, Peri. Now, I know you’ve only just learned how they work, but disregard them for the moment.
He holds up his handheld scanner/delta particle detector.
DOCTOR
I’ll take my own readings for now.
PERI
I still say it’s working fine!
DOCTOR
Really? You're sure of that, are you?
PERI
More than that. I'm positive they’re working fine.
DOCTOR
Think we're clever do we?
PERI
I know so.
DOCTOR
Then how about we make this interesting? A little wager, maybe? If you're right, and the TARDIS doesn’t need fixing you not only get to name our next destination but also get me to do you a favour. But if I'm right, I get the SAME!
Peri pretends to look worried.
PERI
Ooooh. Big stakes.
DOCTOR
Ah! Not so confident now, are we?
PERI
I am! ... Promise not to cheat?
DOCTOR
Peri, would I do a thing like that?
Peri smiles brightly and nods.
PERI
Yes, you would!
DOCTOR
Well, yes, I would - but I won't. This time.
PERI
Then you're on.
DOCTOR
Done.
They shake on it.
11. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)
As before. Farrier is still covering King with his pistol. King is coming to the end of a rather long and intriguing story which probably isn’t true.
KING
...and then I was beside the tree, when I saw your convoy. I thought you were guarding some coffers, and I know I have much better use for the money than anyone in the government. Sad to say though, but yet again, my loins were bigger than my stomach.
Pretchard bursts out laughing.
PRETCHARD
Fine jesting!
KENNING
Oh, grow up, Pretchard.
PRETCHARD
“His loins were bigger than his stomach” says he!
Farrier still hasn’t moved the pistol from King’s head. He speaks frostily.
FARRIER
I heard him. Chain him up.
Pretchard looks around for a few moments. Kenning whispers to him briefly. Pretchard nods in response and goes to the cart, pulling out some manacles. He fits them onto King, muttering sotto voce so the others do not hear.
PRETCHARD
Not too tight, Master King?
King smiles at Ferrier, hissing through gritted teeth.
KING
It's fine, thank you. I'm more concerned about my neck right now...
Farrier turns to face the other men.
FARRIER
Right, lads, who here can tell me the price on THAT there scumbag's head?
CONSTABLE
Eight hundred pound, sir.
FARRIER
That's right, Constable. Eight... hundred... pounds. And that's a share for ALL of us!
WATCHMEN
Huzzah!
KING
Please, no need to thank me, it was the least I could do...
Tom King is unceremoniously bundled into the prisoner cart.
12. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)
The Doctor is putting his helmet on. His voice now booms through a speaker grille.
DOCTOR
Now, I’ve got a communicator just in case anything happens. Not that it's even remotely possible that it would, of course. Needless to say. But if it something does happen, I have the communicator. Which I won't be needing because nothing will be going wrong.
PERI
I get the idea. See ya.
He pulls the door lever and speaks in a very poor American accent.
DOCTOR
See ya!
The Doctor walks out through the doors. Peri pushes the control and the doors close.
13. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)
The sun has just set. The TARDIS stands in a wooded copse. The doors rattle open and the suited figure of the Doctor rather awkwardly emerges, making a loud breathing sound. Using a torch, the Doctor looks around him. His shoulders slump.
DOCTOR
Looks like Earth. Looks like England.
He reaches up and removes his helmet. He sighs.
DOCTOR
How utterly predictable.
He tries to tuck it under his arm but needs both hands to hold it. Since he cannot hold the helmet and use the torch, he shrugs and and unceremoniously throws it down onto the ground. He moves off through the trees.
DOCTOR
She will be insufferable after this...
14. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
Two figures are striding purposefully down a dark road. One of them is a burly farmhand - EZEKIEL - whilst the other is clearly a nobleman, SIR ANTHONY. Anthony is carrying a rifle. Ezekiel is holding a lantern.
SIR ANTHONY
This had best not be some flight of fancy, Ezekiel.
EZEKIAL
It ain’t, sire.
SIR ANTHONY
Because you’ve dragged me out here for nothing...
EZEKIEL
I'd be swearing it ain't, sir, on me own mam's grave.
SIR ANTHONY
You have troubled me with less before.
EZEKIEL
All the more reason for this 'un to be the genuine, sir! Swear it, sure as day's light. Almighty strike me down where I stand if ain't it true!
Sir Anthony sighs wearily.
SIR ANTHONY
Yes, yes, I get the idea. What kind of sound did you say?
Ezekiel looks at him with palpable fear.
EZEKIEL
Not of this world, sir. Not of this world...
15. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)
The Doctor moves through the trees, shining the torch around. He stops, hearing something. He turns in a slow circle and a bird, disturbed, flutters off up into the sky. The Doctor smiles slightly at it.
DOCTOR
No ravenous bog monsters in the wood tonight? It WOULD make a change...
He frowns.
DOCTOR
Now, which way was I heading? Come to think of it, which way did I come from?
He turns, trying to reorient himself when the torch flickers wildly.
DOCTOR
Oh, don’t. Don’t you dare!
The torch dies.
DOCTOR
I’m warning you!
It stays dead.
DOCTOR
I’m serious!
The Doctor bangs it against a tree. No avail.
DOCTOR
Useless Algolian power pack.
He moves to put it in his pocket, but the diving suit does not allow him such freedom. He shrugs and throws it over his shoulder. He looks around.
DOCTOR
I definitely came from that way. So, that way must be TARDIS.
He turns and heads off in the opposite direction.
16. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor moves through the trees, before bumping into a fence. He starts to feel his way along when he sees, over a bush, a distant light.
17. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
The light is Ezekiel’s lantern. He and Sir Anthony are getting closer.
18. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor ducks down below the fence.
19. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
Ezekiel looks sharply to the left.
EZEKIEL
Did you see that, sire?
SIR ANTHONY
No. Your imagining things again, this is a waste of my time...
EZEKIEL
No, sir, I swear, I swear!
20. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor is hiding beside the fence. There is movement nearby.
DOCTOR
Is there someone there?
Silence.
DOCTOR
Because if there is, I think you should know some people are coming this way. They might be looking for you.
There is some more noise of movement. The Doctor stares through the fence, curiously, but can't see anything. He moves across to the paddock gate and opens it up. As soon as he does a cow comes out, and is soon followed by another.
DOCTOR
Oh. Of course.
He regains his composure as the fourth cow escapes.
DOCTOR
Look, get back inside.
The Doctor tries to push one back in, but to no avail. More start coming out the gate while he is distracted. The stricken cow starts to moo plaintively.
21. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
The sound of distressed cattle reach the duo.
EZEKIEL
The cows, m'lud!
Sir Anthony groans.
SIR ANTHONY
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
The two start running towards the paddock as fast as they can.
22. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor is now surrounded by cows. They are all ignoring him, trying to find new grazing fodder.
DOCTOR
No! Get back in the paddock, you block-headed creatures! IN THE PADDOCK!
He crosses to one cow, nearest the gate, to shift it back in. A straggler cow runs out and knocks the Doctor over as it escapes.
DOCTOR
Bad cow!
Ezekiel and Sir Anthony reach the fence. Ezekiel’s lantern light falls on the Doctor, who shields his eyes against the sudden glare.
EZEKIEL (VO)
There he is!
DOCTOR
Oh no...
EZEKIEL (VO)
The flibbertigibbet!
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Man or no, the blackguard's got my beasts!
DOCTOR
I don’t suppose either of you two give me a hand?
EZEKIEL (VO)
It speaks, sire!
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Aye, an t'will bleed in a moment!
The Doctor wisely takes his cue to scramble for cover.
EZEKIEL (VO)
No!
A pistol shot is heard.
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
After him!
The Doctor scrambles around the corner of the fence.
DOCTOR
If they think a bunch of medieval misfits is going to get the better of me, well, they will be VERY much mistaken!
Fade to black.
23. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)
Fade up. We see the manor house against the star-studded sky. Lights burn in the windows.
24. INT. DRESCOTT HOUSE – STUDY (NIGHT)
A well-furnished room lit by candles. A large portrait of Sir Anthony hangs behind a large desk. The Doctor stands to one side, hands bound. Ezekiel stands by the door with a loaded pistol, staring at him in confusion. The Doctor sighs.
DOCTOR
This has to be the most embarrassing night of this ENTIRE life...
EZEKIEL
Your raiment...
DOCTOR
What about them?
EZEKIEL
Be they of one who worships the Horned Beast?
DOCTOR
If they are, they never said anything to me about it.
The door opens and Sir Anthony enters, grave and business like.
SIR ANTHONY
After some VERY hard work, my cattle have been recovered.
DOCTOR
You wouldn't have lost them in the first place if you didn't go firing guns about the place whenever you feel like it.
SIR ANTHONY
Silence!
The Doctor stares at him and mimes zipping his mouth closed.
SIR ANTHONY
You are either very stupid, or just very unlucky. Do you know why?
DOCTOR
Because I opened a gate and nearly got shot?
SIR ANTHONY
Because I am the magistrate of this town.
DOCTOR
This town being..?
Sir Anthony is puzzled at the question.
SIR ANTHONY
Tarbrook, of course.
DOCTOR
Oh, yes, of course, Tarbrook. I apologize. Mind like that cheese that's full of holes.
EZEKIEL
It could be a demon, sire. Unsure of where the dark forces have summoned it to?
SIR ANTHONY
If it IS a demon, Ezekiel, it's not a very good one.
EZEKIEL
There's more to him than meets the eye, sire.
SIR ANTHONY
Oh, just shut up, will you? Your superstition bores me at the best of times and these are NOT the best of times.
He turns to address the Doctor.
SIR ANTHONY.
I would be grateful if you could give me your name. It is not considered proper to assign a death penalty to an anonymous man.
DOCTOR
Aren't you forgetting something, here? The Magna Carta? Ring any bells?
Sir Anthony is taken aback.
SIR ANTHONY
I am no despot! You'll get a trial, man, just not a very long one - one week hence.
A pause.
DOCTOR
Is that IT?
SIR ANTHONY
Cattle-rustling is a very serious offence. Especially when it's my cattle.
DOCTOR
For the last time, I wasn’t cattle-rustling! Why would I attempt to rustle cattle on my own, with no equipment and clearly no gift for controlling cattle?
SIR ANTHONY
No doubt these matters will be revealed at the trial.
DOCTOR
You WILL be disappointed, then, Sir Anthony.
The door opens again and Pretchard and Kenning enter, looking half asleep. Pretchard speaks through several yawns.
PRETCHARD
Constables Pretchard and Kenning, Sir Anthony, reporting for prisoner. I mean, duty.
SIR ANTHONY
He's right there.
KENNING
Is he? Oh.
SIR ANTHONY
There's no need to be gentle with him - a dark horse wrapped in a ruffian.
DOCTOR
It always has to come down to fashion, doesn’t it?
Kenning and Pretchard grab a hold of the Doctor by his arms.
DOCTOR
It’s all right, Constables Pretchard and Kenning, I’m not going to hurt you.
EZEKIEL
Ware his tongue!
DOCTOR
Oh, what have I done now?
EZEKIEL
Constables, I beg you be careful, he has the mark of a being not of this world!
DOCTOR
What rot! Prove it!
EZEKIEL
He may yet form himself into an unholy beast of old!
Pretchard groans.
PRETCHARD
Why do we get the worst jobs, Kenning? Not just a prisoner escort at this time of night, a DEMON prisoner escort!
KENNING
I’d welcome a demon tonight, lad. My head’s so leaden I’d think it a mercy for the Dark Lord to steal it.
DOCTOR
Well, you’ve come to the wrong person. I’ve just gotten used to the head I’ve got...
SIR ANTHONY
Oh, get out, the lot of you!
DOCTOR
You heard him, men! ATTEN-SHUT!
They snap to attention. The Doctor grins at Sir Anthony.
DOCTOR
QUUUIIIIIIIIIIIICK MARCH! LEFT, RIGHT! LEFT, RIGHT!...
They march out of the room. Sir Anthony shakes his head in exasperation.
SIR ANTHONY
Those bumbling idiots... They will be the death of me on day.
25. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)
The trio march out of the house into the night, the Doctor leading the way. Dissolve to:
26. EXT. TARBROOK TOWN CENTRE (NIGHT)
Tarbook is quite a small town, but large enough to be more than a village. The centre of town is cobbled, and contains a feed-shed, an inn, and a jailhouse as some of it’s more prominent features. Currently it is night, so it is not at all busy. We hear the clumping of the watchmen's boots, and it isn't long before Kenning and Pretchard come on screen, keeping up a swift march with the Doctor between them. They both look very worn down, especially compared to the Doctor, who is not even flustered. Pretchard wheezily raises a hand and waves.
PRETCHARD
Sire? Sire, could we entreat you for a respite?
The Doctor keeps marching.
DOCTOR
I'm your prisoner, of course you can!
PRETCHARD
Oh... I'd forgotten.
KENNING
Me too. Let’s have a rest then.
They stop, sway and almost collapse, finding a doorway to sit in. The Doctor turns and heads back for them as they struggle to regain their breath.
DOCTOR
You're watchmen, then? No, not watchmen. You're constabulary? Sherriffs?
Kenning wearily manages to lift his head.
KENNING
By name, sir, but not by our natures.
DOCTOR
Clearly. You’re unusually disciplined for men in your position.
PRETCHARD
We are?
DOCTOR
Oh, yes. It's unpaid work, but you follow orders with military precision.
PRETCHARD
So would you, sire, if you were under Captain Farrier.
KENNING
A tyrant he is, sire. Damned tyrant of the highest order. Cares nothing for the rights of man. Not liberty nor fraternity.
PRETCHARD
Nor teatime.
KENNING
Indeed, nor teatime!
DOCTOR
Army man, is he? Sounds like a solider.
KENNING
Understand that he was, sire.
PRETCHARD
Not fit for active duty, though. Cause he limps.
KENNING
Limps! One leg moves behind the other - that's all is to it! You can CALL him lame but still he riles for a hunt, right enough. I've seen him move like... like...
DOCTOR
A snake caught between the scorpions pincers?
KENNING
Exactly like that, sire.
PRETCHARD
Kenning? What’s a scorpion?
KENNING
Never you mind, Pretchard.
DOCTOR
Interesting. Are you ready to move on?
PRETCHARD
Suppose so.
KENNING
The sooner you're behind lock and key the sooner we go to bed.
DOCTOR
Well, then we better start moving then, hadn’t we?
The pair of them reluctantly get back up and begin escorting the Doctor again. They move off much slower than when they arrived.
DOCTOR
You don't seem to be taking this work very seriously.
KENNING
Forgive us, sire but zealotry does not become.
DOCTOR
I’ve heard it said.
KENNING
Should you try and escape, though, I’ve no doubt you’d be impressed with the tenacity of some our comrades.
PRETCHARD
Oh good. We’re at the jailhouse.
They enter the nearest building.
- to be continued
The Doctor enters, still carrying the diving helmet. He places it on the console and does his gloves as Peri enters the room as well.
PERI
It’s idiotic! The most idiotic thing any idiot could do!
DOCTOR
Enjoy the variety.
PERI
What variety?
The Doctor picks up a silver cylinder from the wheelbarrow and looks it over.
DOCTOR
Me being an idiot. Well, you’re probably tired of living with a genius by now. A touch of idiocy will be refreshing. Until the control systems are reprogrammed, I won’t trust my health to them. It’s just a sensible precaution. We’ve no idea where we are!
PERI
They say it’s Earth!
DOCTOR
No, they say it MIGHT be Earth – and the instruments, as previously established, are unreliable. Now, whatever the atmospheric conditions outside, I will be safe.
He fits the silver cylinder to his chest.
DOCTOR
Air supply good. Yes, acid rain, hard vacuum, underwater, blazing desert – I’m much better prepared for whatever it is out there than you are.
Peri heads for the internal door.
PERI
Then I’ll get the other suit.
DOCTOR
Who said there was another suit?
Peri stops at the doorway.
PERI
Oh.
DOCTOR
And even if there was one, I wouldn’t let you wear it. Now stay in here.
Peri rolls her eyes in exasperation.
PERI
For how long?!
DOCTOR
Oh, I don’t know! Until you feel better.
PERI
Like I’ve been telling you all morning – I – FEEL – FINE!
DOCTOR
Then stay in here until you LOOK better.
He picks a mirror from the wheelbarrow and hands it to her. She looks at her reflection and tries not to noticeably do her hair.
PERI
I look OK!
DOCTOR
Ah, but you don’t look DAZZLING! Until you do, you’re grounded.
Peri folds her arms, and looks at the ground. She speaks quietly.
PERI
You know, if you don’t want me to travel with you any more, you could just say so.
The Doctor’s face falls. That really hurts.
DOCTOR
Oh, Peri... how can you even THINK that?
PERI
Why else wouldn’t you let me come with you?
DOCTOR
Perhaps because I think it’s for the best this time? Peri. Believe me, I know how frustrating it can be to be deprived of the freedom that you and I have. It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam, unable to get anywhere you want to. But you have been exposed to things no human being of the twentieth century has EVER dreamed of, let alone experienced! You may feel fine inside the TARDIS, outside time and space, but there’s absolutely no guarantee you will feel the same once you leave. I... I honestly would prefer you safe and sound in here.
PERI
Why do you act like it’s a just some joke?
DOCTOR
The key word there, Peri, is act. It’s just my way.
PERI
Way of saying you don’t want me to get hurt?
DOCTOR
Way of saying I’d hate to lose you. Now, all I am asking if you stay inside the TARDIS. Just for another day or so. By then, any recurring symptoms will have manifested themselves and we can take it from there. You know where that medicine is for if you DO feel ill? Good. Now, until I get back, take things nice and easy for a while. There’s plenty of entertainment in the library and...
The Doctor picks up his helmet but hesitates putting it on.
DOCTOR
I’m not asking too much, am I?
Peri smiles.
PERI
Guess not. But I still think we’re on Earth. You don’t need that outfit.
DOCTOR
Don’t I? What if we are on Earth before it had a breathable atmosphere?
PERI
The instruments say...
DOCTOR
I am RE-CALIBRATING the instruments, Peri. Now, I know you’ve only just learned how they work, but disregard them for the moment.
He holds up his handheld scanner/delta particle detector.
DOCTOR
I’ll take my own readings for now.
PERI
I still say it’s working fine!
DOCTOR
Really? You're sure of that, are you?
PERI
More than that. I'm positive they’re working fine.
DOCTOR
Think we're clever do we?
PERI
I know so.
DOCTOR
Then how about we make this interesting? A little wager, maybe? If you're right, and the TARDIS doesn’t need fixing you not only get to name our next destination but also get me to do you a favour. But if I'm right, I get the SAME!
Peri pretends to look worried.
PERI
Ooooh. Big stakes.
DOCTOR
Ah! Not so confident now, are we?
PERI
I am! ... Promise not to cheat?
DOCTOR
Peri, would I do a thing like that?
Peri smiles brightly and nods.
PERI
Yes, you would!
DOCTOR
Well, yes, I would - but I won't. This time.
PERI
Then you're on.
DOCTOR
Done.
They shake on it.
11. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)
As before. Farrier is still covering King with his pistol. King is coming to the end of a rather long and intriguing story which probably isn’t true.
KING
...and then I was beside the tree, when I saw your convoy. I thought you were guarding some coffers, and I know I have much better use for the money than anyone in the government. Sad to say though, but yet again, my loins were bigger than my stomach.
Pretchard bursts out laughing.
PRETCHARD
Fine jesting!
KENNING
Oh, grow up, Pretchard.
PRETCHARD
“His loins were bigger than his stomach” says he!
Farrier still hasn’t moved the pistol from King’s head. He speaks frostily.
FARRIER
I heard him. Chain him up.
Pretchard looks around for a few moments. Kenning whispers to him briefly. Pretchard nods in response and goes to the cart, pulling out some manacles. He fits them onto King, muttering sotto voce so the others do not hear.
PRETCHARD
Not too tight, Master King?
King smiles at Ferrier, hissing through gritted teeth.
KING
It's fine, thank you. I'm more concerned about my neck right now...
Farrier turns to face the other men.
FARRIER
Right, lads, who here can tell me the price on THAT there scumbag's head?
CONSTABLE
Eight hundred pound, sir.
FARRIER
That's right, Constable. Eight... hundred... pounds. And that's a share for ALL of us!
WATCHMEN
Huzzah!
KING
Please, no need to thank me, it was the least I could do...
Tom King is unceremoniously bundled into the prisoner cart.
12. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)
The Doctor is putting his helmet on. His voice now booms through a speaker grille.
DOCTOR
Now, I’ve got a communicator just in case anything happens. Not that it's even remotely possible that it would, of course. Needless to say. But if it something does happen, I have the communicator. Which I won't be needing because nothing will be going wrong.
PERI
I get the idea. See ya.
He pulls the door lever and speaks in a very poor American accent.
DOCTOR
See ya!
The Doctor walks out through the doors. Peri pushes the control and the doors close.
13. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)
The sun has just set. The TARDIS stands in a wooded copse. The doors rattle open and the suited figure of the Doctor rather awkwardly emerges, making a loud breathing sound. Using a torch, the Doctor looks around him. His shoulders slump.
DOCTOR
Looks like Earth. Looks like England.
He reaches up and removes his helmet. He sighs.
DOCTOR
How utterly predictable.
He tries to tuck it under his arm but needs both hands to hold it. Since he cannot hold the helmet and use the torch, he shrugs and and unceremoniously throws it down onto the ground. He moves off through the trees.
DOCTOR
She will be insufferable after this...
14. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
Two figures are striding purposefully down a dark road. One of them is a burly farmhand - EZEKIEL - whilst the other is clearly a nobleman, SIR ANTHONY. Anthony is carrying a rifle. Ezekiel is holding a lantern.
SIR ANTHONY
This had best not be some flight of fancy, Ezekiel.
EZEKIAL
It ain’t, sire.
SIR ANTHONY
Because you’ve dragged me out here for nothing...
EZEKIEL
I'd be swearing it ain't, sir, on me own mam's grave.
SIR ANTHONY
You have troubled me with less before.
EZEKIEL
All the more reason for this 'un to be the genuine, sir! Swear it, sure as day's light. Almighty strike me down where I stand if ain't it true!
Sir Anthony sighs wearily.
SIR ANTHONY
Yes, yes, I get the idea. What kind of sound did you say?
Ezekiel looks at him with palpable fear.
EZEKIEL
Not of this world, sir. Not of this world...
15. EXT. COPSE (NIGHT)
The Doctor moves through the trees, shining the torch around. He stops, hearing something. He turns in a slow circle and a bird, disturbed, flutters off up into the sky. The Doctor smiles slightly at it.
DOCTOR
No ravenous bog monsters in the wood tonight? It WOULD make a change...
He frowns.
DOCTOR
Now, which way was I heading? Come to think of it, which way did I come from?
He turns, trying to reorient himself when the torch flickers wildly.
DOCTOR
Oh, don’t. Don’t you dare!
The torch dies.
DOCTOR
I’m warning you!
It stays dead.
DOCTOR
I’m serious!
The Doctor bangs it against a tree. No avail.
DOCTOR
Useless Algolian power pack.
He moves to put it in his pocket, but the diving suit does not allow him such freedom. He shrugs and throws it over his shoulder. He looks around.
DOCTOR
I definitely came from that way. So, that way must be TARDIS.
He turns and heads off in the opposite direction.
16. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor moves through the trees, before bumping into a fence. He starts to feel his way along when he sees, over a bush, a distant light.
17. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
The light is Ezekiel’s lantern. He and Sir Anthony are getting closer.
18. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor ducks down below the fence.
19. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
Ezekiel looks sharply to the left.
EZEKIEL
Did you see that, sire?
SIR ANTHONY
No. Your imagining things again, this is a waste of my time...
EZEKIEL
No, sir, I swear, I swear!
20. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor is hiding beside the fence. There is movement nearby.
DOCTOR
Is there someone there?
Silence.
DOCTOR
Because if there is, I think you should know some people are coming this way. They might be looking for you.
There is some more noise of movement. The Doctor stares through the fence, curiously, but can't see anything. He moves across to the paddock gate and opens it up. As soon as he does a cow comes out, and is soon followed by another.
DOCTOR
Oh. Of course.
He regains his composure as the fourth cow escapes.
DOCTOR
Look, get back inside.
The Doctor tries to push one back in, but to no avail. More start coming out the gate while he is distracted. The stricken cow starts to moo plaintively.
21. EXT. ROAD (NIGHT)
The sound of distressed cattle reach the duo.
EZEKIEL
The cows, m'lud!
Sir Anthony groans.
SIR ANTHONY
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
The two start running towards the paddock as fast as they can.
22. EXT. PADDOCK (NIGHT)
The Doctor is now surrounded by cows. They are all ignoring him, trying to find new grazing fodder.
DOCTOR
No! Get back in the paddock, you block-headed creatures! IN THE PADDOCK!
He crosses to one cow, nearest the gate, to shift it back in. A straggler cow runs out and knocks the Doctor over as it escapes.
DOCTOR
Bad cow!
Ezekiel and Sir Anthony reach the fence. Ezekiel’s lantern light falls on the Doctor, who shields his eyes against the sudden glare.
EZEKIEL (VO)
There he is!
DOCTOR
Oh no...
EZEKIEL (VO)
The flibbertigibbet!
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Man or no, the blackguard's got my beasts!
DOCTOR
I don’t suppose either of you two give me a hand?
EZEKIEL (VO)
It speaks, sire!
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
Aye, an t'will bleed in a moment!
The Doctor wisely takes his cue to scramble for cover.
EZEKIEL (VO)
No!
A pistol shot is heard.
SIR ANTHONY (VO)
After him!
The Doctor scrambles around the corner of the fence.
DOCTOR
If they think a bunch of medieval misfits is going to get the better of me, well, they will be VERY much mistaken!
Fade to black.
23. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)
Fade up. We see the manor house against the star-studded sky. Lights burn in the windows.
24. INT. DRESCOTT HOUSE – STUDY (NIGHT)
A well-furnished room lit by candles. A large portrait of Sir Anthony hangs behind a large desk. The Doctor stands to one side, hands bound. Ezekiel stands by the door with a loaded pistol, staring at him in confusion. The Doctor sighs.
DOCTOR
This has to be the most embarrassing night of this ENTIRE life...
EZEKIEL
Your raiment...
DOCTOR
What about them?
EZEKIEL
Be they of one who worships the Horned Beast?
DOCTOR
If they are, they never said anything to me about it.
The door opens and Sir Anthony enters, grave and business like.
SIR ANTHONY
After some VERY hard work, my cattle have been recovered.
DOCTOR
You wouldn't have lost them in the first place if you didn't go firing guns about the place whenever you feel like it.
SIR ANTHONY
Silence!
The Doctor stares at him and mimes zipping his mouth closed.
SIR ANTHONY
You are either very stupid, or just very unlucky. Do you know why?
DOCTOR
Because I opened a gate and nearly got shot?
SIR ANTHONY
Because I am the magistrate of this town.
DOCTOR
This town being..?
Sir Anthony is puzzled at the question.
SIR ANTHONY
Tarbrook, of course.
DOCTOR
Oh, yes, of course, Tarbrook. I apologize. Mind like that cheese that's full of holes.
EZEKIEL
It could be a demon, sire. Unsure of where the dark forces have summoned it to?
SIR ANTHONY
If it IS a demon, Ezekiel, it's not a very good one.
EZEKIEL
There's more to him than meets the eye, sire.
SIR ANTHONY
Oh, just shut up, will you? Your superstition bores me at the best of times and these are NOT the best of times.
He turns to address the Doctor.
SIR ANTHONY.
I would be grateful if you could give me your name. It is not considered proper to assign a death penalty to an anonymous man.
DOCTOR
Aren't you forgetting something, here? The Magna Carta? Ring any bells?
Sir Anthony is taken aback.
SIR ANTHONY
I am no despot! You'll get a trial, man, just not a very long one - one week hence.
A pause.
DOCTOR
Is that IT?
SIR ANTHONY
Cattle-rustling is a very serious offence. Especially when it's my cattle.
DOCTOR
For the last time, I wasn’t cattle-rustling! Why would I attempt to rustle cattle on my own, with no equipment and clearly no gift for controlling cattle?
SIR ANTHONY
No doubt these matters will be revealed at the trial.
DOCTOR
You WILL be disappointed, then, Sir Anthony.
The door opens again and Pretchard and Kenning enter, looking half asleep. Pretchard speaks through several yawns.
PRETCHARD
Constables Pretchard and Kenning, Sir Anthony, reporting for prisoner. I mean, duty.
SIR ANTHONY
He's right there.
KENNING
Is he? Oh.
SIR ANTHONY
There's no need to be gentle with him - a dark horse wrapped in a ruffian.
DOCTOR
It always has to come down to fashion, doesn’t it?
Kenning and Pretchard grab a hold of the Doctor by his arms.
DOCTOR
It’s all right, Constables Pretchard and Kenning, I’m not going to hurt you.
EZEKIEL
Ware his tongue!
DOCTOR
Oh, what have I done now?
EZEKIEL
Constables, I beg you be careful, he has the mark of a being not of this world!
DOCTOR
What rot! Prove it!
EZEKIEL
He may yet form himself into an unholy beast of old!
Pretchard groans.
PRETCHARD
Why do we get the worst jobs, Kenning? Not just a prisoner escort at this time of night, a DEMON prisoner escort!
KENNING
I’d welcome a demon tonight, lad. My head’s so leaden I’d think it a mercy for the Dark Lord to steal it.
DOCTOR
Well, you’ve come to the wrong person. I’ve just gotten used to the head I’ve got...
SIR ANTHONY
Oh, get out, the lot of you!
DOCTOR
You heard him, men! ATTEN-SHUT!
They snap to attention. The Doctor grins at Sir Anthony.
DOCTOR
QUUUIIIIIIIIIIIICK MARCH! LEFT, RIGHT! LEFT, RIGHT!...
They march out of the room. Sir Anthony shakes his head in exasperation.
SIR ANTHONY
Those bumbling idiots... They will be the death of me on day.
25. EXT. OUTSIDE THE DESCOTT HOUSE (NIGHT)
The trio march out of the house into the night, the Doctor leading the way. Dissolve to:
26. EXT. TARBROOK TOWN CENTRE (NIGHT)
Tarbook is quite a small town, but large enough to be more than a village. The centre of town is cobbled, and contains a feed-shed, an inn, and a jailhouse as some of it’s more prominent features. Currently it is night, so it is not at all busy. We hear the clumping of the watchmen's boots, and it isn't long before Kenning and Pretchard come on screen, keeping up a swift march with the Doctor between them. They both look very worn down, especially compared to the Doctor, who is not even flustered. Pretchard wheezily raises a hand and waves.
PRETCHARD
Sire? Sire, could we entreat you for a respite?
The Doctor keeps marching.
DOCTOR
I'm your prisoner, of course you can!
PRETCHARD
Oh... I'd forgotten.
KENNING
Me too. Let’s have a rest then.
They stop, sway and almost collapse, finding a doorway to sit in. The Doctor turns and heads back for them as they struggle to regain their breath.
DOCTOR
You're watchmen, then? No, not watchmen. You're constabulary? Sherriffs?
Kenning wearily manages to lift his head.
KENNING
By name, sir, but not by our natures.
DOCTOR
Clearly. You’re unusually disciplined for men in your position.
PRETCHARD
We are?
DOCTOR
Oh, yes. It's unpaid work, but you follow orders with military precision.
PRETCHARD
So would you, sire, if you were under Captain Farrier.
KENNING
A tyrant he is, sire. Damned tyrant of the highest order. Cares nothing for the rights of man. Not liberty nor fraternity.
PRETCHARD
Nor teatime.
KENNING
Indeed, nor teatime!
DOCTOR
Army man, is he? Sounds like a solider.
KENNING
Understand that he was, sire.
PRETCHARD
Not fit for active duty, though. Cause he limps.
KENNING
Limps! One leg moves behind the other - that's all is to it! You can CALL him lame but still he riles for a hunt, right enough. I've seen him move like... like...
DOCTOR
A snake caught between the scorpions pincers?
KENNING
Exactly like that, sire.
PRETCHARD
Kenning? What’s a scorpion?
KENNING
Never you mind, Pretchard.
DOCTOR
Interesting. Are you ready to move on?
PRETCHARD
Suppose so.
KENNING
The sooner you're behind lock and key the sooner we go to bed.
DOCTOR
Well, then we better start moving then, hadn’t we?
The pair of them reluctantly get back up and begin escorting the Doctor again. They move off much slower than when they arrived.
DOCTOR
You don't seem to be taking this work very seriously.
KENNING
Forgive us, sire but zealotry does not become.
DOCTOR
I’ve heard it said.
KENNING
Should you try and escape, though, I’ve no doubt you’d be impressed with the tenacity of some our comrades.
PRETCHARD
Oh good. We’re at the jailhouse.
They enter the nearest building.
- to be continued
To Catch A Thief I
(ROLL OPENING CREDITS)
(TO CATCH A THIEF)
(EPISODE ONE: THE LAST HIGHWAYMAN)
1. MODEL SHOT(TO CATCH A THIEF)
(EPISODE ONE: THE LAST HIGHWAYMAN)
The TARDIS gently rotates on its axis in a pleasantly shimmering blue void.
Dissolve to:
2. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)
The console room is a bit messy. A few start charts cover the console, the scanner alcove is acting as a bookshelf and a small wheelbarrow full of junk is parked opposite the exterior doors. THE DOCTOR stands by the console, picking up junk off it – bags of sweets, note books, three different recorders. He looks at the stovepipe hat on the time rotor and sighs very deeply.
DOCTOR
Acted like he owned the place. What a liberty.
The internal door opens. Peri steps through, dressed in her rather rumpled blue trouser suit.
PERI
Morning, Doc. Want some breakfast?
DOCTOR
Peri, what are you doing out of bed?
PERI
I...
DOCTOR
You’re disobeying the Doctor’s orders, that is what you are doing!
PERI
OK, OK, I just wanted to know where we’re going.
DOCTOR
I haven’t the faintest idea.
PERI
Yeah, right.
DOCTOR
I honestly don’t know. What does it matter, anyway?
PERI
What kinda question is that?
DOCTOR
Exactly the kind it sounded like, Peri. I say exactly what I intend – no fooling about with double intendres for the likes of me. I mean everything I say.
He crosses over to the wheelbarrow and pretends to sift through it.
PERI
If I said half the things you did, I’d probably keep that to myself.
DOCTOR
Hmph. Apart from anything else, you’re not going anywhere in the foreseeable future so there seems little point in landing the TARDIS.
Peri smirks and crosses to the console to peer at the star charts.
PERI
What are you gonna do, huh? Ground me?
The Doctor glares at her, and continues to sift through the junk.
DOCTOR
Why not?
Peri’s face falls.
PERI
Um, I was just being a bit sarcastic.
The Doctor doesn’t look up from sorting through the junk.
DOCTOR
Were you? Fascinating.
PERI
Look, I’ll be as straightforward as you from now on, OK?
DOCTOR
It might help matters.
Peri takes a deep breath, but she’s getting increasingly irritated.
PERI
Fine, then. I don’t want to just wait around in the TARDIS, grounded or not, understand?
The Doctor beams at her.
DOCTOR
Understood. You’re still not going anywhere, though.
PERI
But I’m sick of staying in bed! Let’s go somewhere!
The Doctor walks over to Peri and places his hands on her shoulders.
DOCTOR
My dear, dear, Peri. Do just try and calm down.
She shrugs his hands off.
PERI
I’ll calm down when you stop patronizing me!
DOCTOR
Would I EVER patronize you, Peri?
PERI
Yes, you would!
DOCTOR
Only if I thought it would help you calm down.
PERI
You’re doing it now!
DOCTOR
What?
PERI
Patronizing me!
The Doctor snaps. Screaming at the top of his voice, he jumps up and down on the spot.
DOCTOR
I SAID "CALM DOWN"!!!
Peri is unable to stop giggling. The Doctor, struggling to control his breathing and calm himself down, chuckles.
DOCTOR
Peri. I honestly don’t think you’re in a fit state to travel. You are not even recovered from your bout of radiation sickness which, speaking as a man who has encountered such poisoning before, was very nasty.
PERI
Doctor, I feel fine! I’ve been through every gizmo in the medical kit twice.
DOCTOR
Peri, you were contaminated not more than five weeks since your entire biochemical system tried to change itself into a bird!
PERI
Doctor that was AGES ago!
DOCTOR
Ages? It was thirty two days ago! What is the problem with you humans?!
He runs a hand through his curls in exasperation.
DOCTOR
Why do you all think you’re bullet proof? Why can’t you remember that at the end of the day it all comes down to a very small fleshy pump pounding away behind the thin sheet of a handful brittle bones?
PERI
Yeah, I can do without the free X-ray, Doctor...
The Doctor sighs.
DOCTOR
Peri. You have been through a lot. A lot by MY standards – which, we both know, are staggeringly high. I would be very grateful if you went back to bed and continued to recuperate in peace and quiet.
PERI
Why are you getting so worried about me?
The Doctor shrugs awkwardly and starts to fold up the star chart.
DOCTOR
Worried about you? I’m not worried about you, per se. Just... showing an interest.
PERI
You are! You’re worried I’ll get hurt the next time I step outside.
DOCTOR
Well, on statistical probability it would be fair to expect it.
Peri snorts.
PERI
Fair? What about you? You practically go to get yourself killed everywhere you go! Sometimes I think you’ve got a death wish!
The Doctor spins round, outraged.
DOCTOR
I DO NOT! A death wish? Me? What lead you to that preposterous notion?!
PERI
You went and picked a fight with a guy.
DOCTOR
That’s not all that happened, and you know it...
PERI
A guy you said had twenty times your strength!
The Doctor preens and scratches his lapel.
DOCTOR
And I won, didn’t I?
PERI
Oh, minor detail!
DOCTOR
Peri, I hardly think citing examples of one or two less-tolerant people crossing my path is really relevant. I’m a Time Lord.
PERI
I hadn’t noticed.
DOCTOR
We are BUILT to survive this cruel universe!
PERI
What? And humans aren't?
DOCTOR
No you aren’t! You're designed to survive on ONE obscure little rock of a planet. A very pretty little rock of a planet with some lovely sunsets, admittedly, but an obscure little rock of a planet nonetheless. There's a big difference between us. The Time Lord physiology is specifically engineered to be immediately adaptable to all environments - even the vacuum of space. For a minute or two, anyway.
PERI
Well, whoop-de-do. Lucky old Time Lord.
DOCTOR
Lucky me.
He picks up another star chart from the console and notices the displays underneath.
DOCTOR
Oh, no, this isn’t good.
He starts adjusting controls frantically.
PERI
Something gone wrong? Again?
DOCTOR
Gone wrong? No. Not gone wrong. Not as such. But the systems have been tampered with.
PERI
Don’t look at me.
DOCTOR
I’m not looking at you! It wasn’t you, it was... him. My “other self”.
Peri rubs her eyes.
PERI
You’re not STILL going on about that, are you?
DOCTOR
Yes, I am! Have you any idea how troubling it is, wondering what he’s been doing to the control systems? He’s... CHANGED things! We’ll have to reset and recalibrate the old girl, MY way.
PERI
Not again!
DOCTOR
Yes, again! Peri, just look at what he’s done! The vector alignment map's been reset, the diometric stabiliser’s jammed, and coordinate override is...
He grabs a handle on the console (similar to the door control) and hauls on it, expecting it to resist. Unfortunately he rips it out of the console with a shower of sparks. Peri manages to stop him falling backwards over the wheelbarrow. Immediately a wobbly, speeded up materialization bellow rings out as the room shudders.
DOCTOR
...oops.
PERI
Guess the grounding’s been revoked, huh?
The Doctor gives Peri a long-suffering look.
3. MODEL SHOT
The TARDIS spins purposefully through the swirling light.
4. INT. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (DAY)
The Doctor and Peri are operating controls on the console – but the time rotor continues to piston and the room is swaying unsteadily.
PERI
What’s a coordinate override?
DOCTOR
Clever gadget. Depending what mode the TARDIS is in, it can change preprogrammed courses, set to a random destination, act as an anti-collision device...
PERI
So what now you’ve broken it?
DOCTOR
I did not break it! HE did! I just discovered the damage.
PERI
Well?
DOCTOR
Well, it’s cancelled the coordinate program and we’re heading for... somewhere. Random. Totally at the TARDIS’ choosing. Though, looking on the bright side, a test flight like this will be beneficial.
PERI
How so, my dear Doctor?
DOCTOR
Letting the old girl cruise like this, choosing its own destination at random, will allow me to monitor the current settings. And when I know what they are...
PERI
You can change them back to how you like them?
DOCTOR
Precisely! But there’s no way to tell just where we’ll end up.
PERI
It’ll be Earth.
DOCTOR
Might not be, Peri. We have all of time and space to choose from.
PERI
It’ll be Earth.
DOCTOR
What makes you say that?
PERI
Because the TARDIS likes going there. I like going there. You like going there. And you love the way the leaves look greener in the higher oxygen content...
DOCTOR
I doubt that has any say in matters. No, that would be too predictable for him.
PERI
Or maybe that’s what he wants you to think?
DOCTOR
Yes, he might do that...
He sighs wearily and shakes his head.
DOCTOR
And people talk about the past catching up with you.
The room lurches and there is the distant, loud sound of a crash. With a final materialization howl, the room steadies up, knocking the Doctor and Peri off their feet.
5. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)
A small, wooden cart makes its way along a forest road. It is drawn by a pair of old horses, and a dim-looking DRIVER. Ahead of it walks a patrol of MEN in uninspiring uniforms in the early 18th century style. At their head walks CAPTAIN FARRIER. Two of the watchmen at the rear of the column start talking to one another: they are PRETCHARD and KENNING. Kenning is short and stout, and speaks in a fairly plummy voice.
KENNING
Has he told you anything of the prisoner?
PRETCHARD
Why would he? Everyone knows I can't keep a secret.
Kenning chuckles.
KENNING
Exactly. Sometimes men in his position feel it's advantageous to let secrets out.
PRETCHARD
Well, he doesn't, clearly. He told me nothing about her.
KENNING
Her? It's a she?
Pretchard curses under his breath.
PRETCHARD
Erm, yeah. Don't spread it around.
KENNING
My dear lad, would I do a thing like that?
Pretchard's reaction shows that he doesn't like being called lad, and that he knows full well Kenning WOULD do a thing like that.
KENNING
Is she good looking?
PRETCHARD
She's our prisoner!
KENNING
So? She's got a face don't she?
PRETCHARD
Yeah, if only it was the face which it was you were concerned with.
FARRIER
HALT!
The column comes to a sudden stop, with the exception of Pretchard and Kenning, who bump into the backs of the men in front of them. Farrier turns around to face them. He is a scary-looking man, and walks with a limp. He slowly walks in between the ranks until he comes to right in front of them.
FARRIER
Enjoying yourselves?
Pretchard shrugs and mumbles.
PRETCHARD
Til now.
Kenning elbows him in the ribs. Pretchard groans and doubles over, gasping, so Kenning steps in front of him and speaks very loudly to block out the moans.
KENNING
The answer could be yes but could no, sire. No in the sense that our duties may currently be not of an exciting nature, but also yes in the sense that it is always an honour and delight to serve in such a noble cause-
FARRIER
Shut your fat gob, Kenning - before someone shoves a pistol in it.
Kenning meekly returns to his former position. Pretchard is now able to breathe.
KENNING
Will do so, sire.
FARRIER
I don't like noise. I don't like noise when I'm hearing the newest and most fashionable concerto being played by a virtuoso on a Stradivarius. And I certainly don't like it when I'm hearing it from my two WORST officers.
Pretchard draws a rattling breathe.
PRETCHARD
Sire...
He has a very loud coughing fit.
PRETCHARD
I'll be... quiet from... from now on...
He gives very loud, long retch. It goes for about six seconds. He straightens up.
PRETCHARD
Sire.
Farrier looks at him, deadpan.
FARRIER
Very glad to hear it.
Farrier turns to face Kenning, who backs away as much as he can.
FARRIER
And you, Kenning? Or would you like to ride with the prisoner yourself?
KENNING
By the fact you are offering, I am guessing I do not.
Farrier smiles slightly.
FARRIER
No, you don't. She's like to scratch your sodding eyeballs out. Of course, mind you, you're the last person who'll have a say in the matter.
Kenning gives a frightened grin, showing his lack of dental history.
6. INT. TARDIS CORRIDOR (DAY)
Peri stands outside a door not too far away to the control room. The Doctor is inside, and she has been talking for a while.
PERI
...and it’s kind of flattering, I admit. God knows you’re showing more concern than my stepfather. But I still think that it’s totally unreasonable! I mean, I know I’ve been through a hard time, but surely I’m the best one to decide if I can keep it up? I’d know, wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I?
No reply. Peri raises her voice.
PERI
Doctor? Doctor, are you listening to me?
No reply. Peri fumes.
PERI
Right.
She wrenches the door open and is taken aback to see a huge figure in an antique diving suit with a golden spherical helmet standing there. She cries out in shock as it lurches out of the door towards her.
7. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)
As before. Ferrier is still chastising Kenning and Pretchard.
FERRIER
And if I hear just one more word from the pair of you...
CONSTABLE (VO)
Captain Farrier!
Farrier rushes forward to one of his men, the CONSTABLE, who is pointing to the bushes. After a moment we can make out something moving in the foliage, watching them. Dangerous music. Farrier and the Constable exchange whispers.
FARRIER
Constable?
CONSTABLE
Man with a spyglass, sire.
FARRIER
Aha!
Farrier whips out his flintlock pistol and fires it into the bush.
FARRIER
Come out into plain sight, coward!
He throws down the first pistol and pulls out a second, which is also loaded. The thing in the bushes, breathing heavily, moves out of the foliage towards the group. We see it’s point of view as Farrier trains the pistol on him.
FARRIER
And just who and what are you, fellow?
We see it is a rather embarrassed-looking MAN, dressed all in black. His hands are up.
MAN
My, my.
Farrier does not react to the greeting.
FARRIER
Pretchard! Search him!
PRETCHARD
Sire!
Pretchard hurries over to the man and starts to frisk him
MAN
This is dreadfully unexpected...
8. INT. TARDIS CORRIDOR (DAY)
Peri is leaning against the wall, trying to calm down. The diving suit’s helmet has been removed, revealing the Doctor was wearing it all along. He puts the helmet on the floor and starts to remove his gloves.
DOCTOR
...first you stand out here talking to yourself for minutes, then you scream as soon as you set eyes on me! And then you claim you’re fully recovered!
PERI
What the hell are you wearing?
DOCTOR
A diving suit. Obviously. Somehow it managed to survive the fire. Good old Victorian workmanship, there’s none finer...
PERI
Yeah, I can see that--
DOCTOR
And you just asked me! Can’t you see, Peri, you’re NOT all right!
PERI
Of course I'm all right!
The Doctor places his bare hand on her forehead.
DOCTOR
Really? Because your temperature disagrees.
Peri puts her own hand to her forehead.
PERI
Does it?
DOCTOR
Oh, yes.
He picks up the helmet and gloves.
DOCTOR
I’m can’t tell if it’s too high or too low but there’s definite temperature there and it disagrees with you.
The Doctor walks off down the corridor. Peri goes after him.
PERI
Doctor, you're being an idiot! AGAIN!
9. EXT. EPPING FOREST (DAY)
As before. Pretchard now holds a pistol and a large purse. The Man still has his hands raised and smiles a winning smile.
FARRIER
Any particular reason you've been stalking about the forest carrying a gun?
MAN
I'm a merchant. But I'm rather down on my luck, you see, so I can no longer afford guards. You'll note that also gives a reasonable explanation for the purse.
FARRIER
And where are your wares?
MAN
Mislaid, I'm sad to say. There was a card game. A regrettable card game. My horse was lost in it as well, which is why I'm headed back along this way, so I can buy them back and resume my business.
FARRIER
Whilst avoiding the roads?
MAN
Of course, my good man, of course. There are bandits along these roads!
FARRIER
I thought that was why you had carried the gun? In case of bandits?
The man grins slightly too much.
MAN
Ah, yes, but... well, it’s... you see, I was also concerned... about my debtors. Yes. As you can imagine, I owe money to some other gentlemen as well. They’ve been looking for me. Naturally, I wish to avoid them as much as it is possible to do so.
FARRIER
Naturally.
Farrier raises the pistol up to the Man’s head and steps towards him.
FARRIER
I feel certain that THIS is the part where you admit that in truth you are nothing but a filthy highwayman.
The man grins back, unafraid.
MAN
I was worried you’d never guess. Tom King, sire, at your service.
The name means something to everyone present.
PRETCHARD
THE Tom King?
KENNING
CAPTAIN King?!
PRETCHARD AND KENNING
THE CAPTAIN King?!?
KING
One and the same.
Farrier is clearly struggling to remain aloof.
FARRIER
Clearly, Captain King, you are not the thief the stories claim. You just walked straight into the biggest group of watchmen the forest has ever seen!
King looks around in mock realization.
KING
So I have!
- to be continued...
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